Tuesday, 2 October 2007

A Sad Night

Things that make me sad lately, and tonight especially:

Living in the city. Okay, I know Halifax isn't much of a 'city', but when you're used to the outskirts of Lunenburg, and then Chester Basin, it's a very big place. I miss having fields and forests on all sides, I miss having a pond/stream in my back yard, being a five minute walk from the ocean, and mostly, BEING ABLE TO SEE THE STARS. I miss the deer and the birds and, hell, even the squirrels. At home, I used to feel small because I was surrounded by everything, and it was so vast. Here, I feel small because the buildings tower over you and block everything out, and you're surrounded by people but yet you're all alone, and it's harder to find a friendly face and a warm hug. I guess it's one of those things you get used to. Or you don't.

The fact that I haven't seen SG yet. She's a twenty minute walk away, and I haven't seen her in a month? I don't even have her phone/room number yet. Things just aren't like they used to be, in junior high and grade ten, when we spent ALL our time together, and we could practically read each other's minds, and we told each other all our secrets and stories and everything. Why do things have to change like this?

Not having a way to contact AS. Long distance calling is too expensive, and she never checks her e-mail/facebook, and she hasn' been on MSN lately. I feel so lost without her, especially nights like tonight, when I'm sad, and I know that if this was home and things were normal I could call her up and the sound of her voice would make me happy.

Hardly talking to LH now. I miss her like the grass misses the sun in winter. It's unreal, actually.

Knowing that TM is sad and lonely at home, and not being able to do anything about it. I want to go hug him and do the candy dance and draw emo pictures, because it would make us both happy, and it would make the world go back to the way it used to be.

Fighting with S. Constantly. For no reason.

My emotions. They're running away and dragging me along behind with no idea what's going on. I'm trying to gain control, but it's not working. In a way, I'm the kite, pulled by the wind, but I'm also the kite-flyer, trying to get the kite under control.

Suicide. I know that sounds weird, but ever since RF hung himself, it's been on my mind. I think it is quite possibly the most tragic thing that could ever happen. The fact that we were in the middle of Oedipus the King and Antigone at the time drove it in even deeper. It makes me really sad, because of the way I used to think about it last summer. It's strange, how one year can change your perspective so completely. I'm shocked at how casually I used to think about it, the way I used to look at knives and pills. I can't believe I'm writing this on the internet. But that's how it was. I can't imagine even considering it now. But I'm coming from a different perspective now, so I guess maybe it is logical?

Cutting. Two weeks ago, I had a few days where I could't get this off my mind. I was scared. It was bad. I mean, I didn't, because I don't, but I was sorely tempted. I think one of the only reasons I don't cut is because my knife is too dull, it would hurt too much. I think I'll keep it that way.

My complete inability to make friends. Being suddenly deposited in the middle of 275 strange people, this is somewhat of a disadvantate, you have to agree.

Anyway, 7:30 will come all to soon, so good night.

1 comment:

Lara said...

i'll tell you from personal experience that cutting is a dead-end street, kid. if you're craving a jolt of pain, try snapping a rubber band against your wrist - the chemicals it releases in your brain are the same. if you're trying to release a lot of tension, punch a pillow until your arms get tired. or if you want to see marks on your arms, grab a red marker and mark them up to your heart's content. but don't cut. really, it goes nowhere good.