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Monday, 26 November 2007

...and holding on

Yesterday's post got me to thinking about this. I find my mixture of holding on and letting go very strange. There are some things that I will hold onto forever, but others that I let go ofwith barely a second thought. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, that's just the way it is.

For example, I've found it very easy to let go of S. I've only even talked to him once since we broke up. That doesn't mean that we didn't have a wonderful relationship, or that I don't still care about him as a friend, but it was just very easy for me to let go of those feelings and have him slip away. On the other hand, when AH and I broke up the first time, I could not let go. Even though he cheated on me, even though he hurt me more than anyone else ever has, I still held on to him and my feelings for him until we got back together.

And this isn't just in relationships. Look at how easily I let go of my religious beliefs, but how I still hold on to sleeping with a teddy bear. Or how I've let go of my attachment to the Lunenburg house, but still want to hold onto the woods and the trails and the ponds and my boulders. Or how I've held onto ST, doing everything in my power to hold on for three and a half long years, and still going strong... but how easily I'm letting go of my communication with other high school friends.

Perhaps what's strangest of all, though, is how in my heart, I still insist on holding onto AT. This boy has always been a mystery to me, and not one I'll soon forget. My entire human relationship to him has been based on those few precious days at the end of grade eight. I remember those as being the best of times, cherished forever in my memory, not just for what we had, but for everything in my life at that time. But I remember that while it was happening, I was ashamed. Ashamed of liking the silly nerdy boy that all my friends made fun of. To be fair, I was only 13 at the time, but I wish I could have appreciated it more.

High school was strange between us. I mean, he was indirectly responsible for my relationship with A. Sure, it's not big deal no, because that would have ended sooner or later anyway, but at the time, it was a big thing. Still, despite all the signs, I couldn't suck up my courage and beat down my pride, and continued to reject him. And even after that, he continued to be there for me. No matter what was wrong, he was always there for a hug and a shoulder to cry on, always there to tell me that everything would be okay.

We haven't spoken in about a year. I have no idea where he is now. I hope he's doing well. But still when I'm feeling down, all I want in the world is to have him here to give me a hug and make me smile. My heart just won't let go.

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