Thursday, 27 December 2007

I've decided that my friends pretty much suck.

I'm just sick of trying to find time to see them... I mean, I have plenty of time to see them, I've been home for two and a half week and haven't been doing anything else... but their version of "making plans" really sucks.

TM and I had caroling planned pretty much a month ago, and then the day before, a bunch of people who had been invited decided "let's go to Halifax and see Sweeney Todd instead!" Not only did they not come caroling, I also didn't get to go see Sweeney Todd with them.

So then we were talking about "we should go skating sometime soon"... and CC was all "oh, we can do it at my house, after Christmas would work well"... and the next morning there's an invitation on Facebook to go skating that night. I, of course, can't get transportation on short notice. Sigh.

And now New Year's. I guess we're not invited for the night? And I can't drive past midnight, sooo, I'm kind of screwed on that one. I was thinking that I could at least go, and just leave at 11:30 or whatever, which would be lame, but I would get to see everyone, which was the important thing... but then I looked at the guest list and saw that of the invitees, there were:

4 people that live within a 10 minute walk of King's and I can see whenever I want
2 people I don't like
1 person that I am indifferent to
2 that almost definitely won't go
1 that I want to see, but will be spending all day Jan. 2nd with, so it doesn't really matter if I see her on New Year's, and she was talking about not going anyway
1 that I like, but am not particularly close with and have already seen twice since I've been home, so it's okay if I don't see her again
1 that I actually want to see and might not have another chance to over the break

Woo, incentive to go? So I was going to see if my other friends wanted to do anything, but then realized that TM is going to DR's party, SG is spending it with her s/o, LE will probably be doing something with A., GV and AH are still in the city... so that pretty much just leaves me and AS. And of course, she, being of legal age and all, is quite possibly going out to a bar or something.


I could always stay home by myself and have the bestest party ever. EVER. And everyone else will be jealous that they won't be here. Yeah.

Whatever, at least I get to see LH and AF for Prison Break soon. :)

In a way, I kind of just want to cut some of these people out of my life completely, because then I won't won't have to miss them or be upset about it when their idea of "making plans to see each other over the break" turns out to be a bunch of bull.

Of course, I won't actually. I love them too much. :)

Monday, 17 December 2007

Thank you, two.

(Ooo, clever title. See what I did there? Haha.)

I'm done. Yay. Here's what I came up with:

"Dear Board of Governors:

I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for providing scholarship funding for students. My entrance scholarship was named as a Board of Governors’ Scholarship this year, and I want to express my appreciation for this generous donation. This scholarship has allowed me to attend the University of King’s College at a much smaller expense than it would have been otherwise. For several years, I have wished to attend King’s, and so being not just accepted, but given the largest available scholarship is indeed a wonderful gift. Although ideally we would decide which university to attend based solely on its merits, unfortunately money must of necessity play an important role in the decision, and I would like to thank you for allowing me to make the decision as I wanted to, and come to the university which I was most attracted to. Furthermore, the recognition of my abilities and worthiness which accompanies the monetary donation is fully appreciated as well.
Once again, thank you for this kind donation, and I can only hope that this funding will continue to be made available to future students, and that they will appreciate it as much as I do.


"Dear Sodexho staff:
The residents of North Pole Bay would like to express their gratitude to all of you for the wonderful service that you provide. We appreciate the amount of work that you do to cook for us and to clean up for us at each meal, saving us from having to do that work ourselves, and thus allowing us more time for studying and other activities.
Especially, we would like to thank you for listening to and acting upon student suggestions. This endeavour to make the eating experience as comfortable and enjoyable as possible for every student is greatly appreciated.
Also, we would like to thank you for the many extra hours that you put into formal meals and the special Christmas meals. These are always delicious and enjoyable to all of the students, and we would like to recognize and thank you for the considerable extra effort on your part.
Once again, thank you all so much for everything you do.
North Pole Bay"

"Dear cleaning staff:
The residents of North Pole Bay would like to thank all of you for maintaining a clean and healthy living environment in both our residence and all of campus. You are often behind the scenes, nearly invisible to us, and since we do not get the chance to thank you in person, we have chosen to write this letter of gratitude to you.
We are extremely grateful for all of the work that you do in cleaning up after us. We are not the neatest bunch, and often make unnecessary mess in the hallways and bathrooms, which you always have to clean up. This is greatly appreciated by all of us.
Thank you all very much for your hard work!
North Pole Bay"

They're not brilliant, but I think they'll do. The first one is the only one that has to be really good, I'm less worried about the other two; I'm sure those poor under-appreciated Sodexho/cleaning people will be pleased to get any thanks at all from us ungrateful wretches of university students. Although I do feel bad that the cleaning staff one is so much shorter, but i just could not come up with anything else to say.

(Five posts in less than twenty-four hours, three of those in the past, what was it, two hours? Can you tell how bored I am?)

While I'm on the topic...

of letters, and since I'm kind of procrastinating, and it's getting close to Christmas, I decided that I should copy this over from my old MSN Space. I wrote it two years ago, and it's pretty bad, but it still kind of makes me giggle.

The story behind it is, I volunteer for Canada Post to write Santa letters back to children every December. (Not this year though, because they already had too many volunteers, grumble grumble). Usually, I really enjoy it, but every now and then you get a kid like this one, and it can be a little frustrating.

Dear Santa,

Hello. How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? Did you get her lots of presents? Is she going to make a Christmas dinner this year? And what about the reindeer? How are they? Rudolph's nose still glowing brightly, I hope? And the elves? I hope everything is going well up there.
For Christmas this year I would like a bicycle, a toy train, and a lego dinosaur. I hope that isn't too much.
I will leave you milk and cookies on Christmas Eve. I love you Santa!

Dear Jimmy,

Hi. I have pneumonia. Mrs. Claus has leukemia. I didn't get her any presents. We can't afford it, what with the medical bills. And besides, she might die before then anyway, and that would just be a waste. For Christmas dinner, we're just going to stick one of the reindeer in the oven. They're all going to be dead soon anyways. They've caught a disease, and have been dying off slowly, one by one. All I've got left now are Dasher, Vixen, and Donner. Rudolph was the first to go.
As for the elves, they're all pretty much gone. Due to lack of funding, I had to lay off about 83% of them. The little bastards all went on strike, and quit when I wouldn't give them what they wanted. They said they were going to go work at a sweat shop, where at least they'd get a decent pay.
So as a result of this, I'm afraid that what you asked for is way too much. We might be able to bring you a button or a penny. Maybe an apple for in your stocking, if you're lucky.

P.S.- I am lactose intolerant, and cookies give me heart burn.

Anyway, I am two thirds through my thank you letters, yay! It's going much better than I thought, although they all kind of sound dumb, but whatever.

Thank you.

I don't know why I find thank you letters so hard to write. It's not that I have a problem with saying thank you. I say "thank you" and "please" and "I'm sorry" at least a million times a day. It's not like I'm ungrateful or anything. I just have a really hard time making these things take up more than two sentences.

"Dear Board of Governors:

Thank you for the scholarship. I really appreciate it, because now I can come to your lovely university and have a much smaller student loan to pay off. Yay!

Very, very, extremely, completely sincerely,


I mean, what more can I possibly say?

Guh. I'll figure something out.

"Yay moneyz! Kthxbai."

Sunday, 16 December 2007

Just for the record, I feel better now. I'm okay, really! I just needed to get all my worries out so they weren't boiling up inside me.

"That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown"

[I warn you now, this is a rather unhappy entry (surprise, surprise). Read at own risk.]

For all my talk about Christmas being a time of loving other people and opening our hearts and all that, I'm not in much of a Christmas spirit myself these days. I think this is the most angry and bitter and self-centered I've been in quite a while, actually. I mean, I always am all those things, but lately, more than usual. For instance, I'm, you could say, less than thrilled, about my brother's girlfriend spending Christmas with us. She's a lovely person and all that, but it just seems wrong. Having people we barely know in the house during Christmas? That's just awkward and weird. And then it's not like family anymore. I don't know. I'm sure it will be fine...

I'm also being absurdly bitter that as of tomorrow night, I won't have a bed to sleep in. Really, it's not that big of a deal, I'm sure there'll be a nice lumpy couch or leaky air mattress, or something, for me to sleep on. My parents still haven't gotten the "nice comfortable futon" that they've been going to buy for four months now. Like I said, I don't know why it bothers me so much, it's just a bed. I guess it just kind of encapsulates that whole feeling of being somewhere new and having the first Christmas in the new house and being a stranger in my own home.

So anyway, in the process of re-labeling this entire blog the other day, I went back and read a lot of my posts, including this one. And I realized that I haven't even tried to do any of that stuff. I never do any of that stuff, any time I convince myself that I am going to do something to make myself a better person, or at least someone that I can be happier with, I completely forget about it within a week and go on being just as horrible as ever. Although, I also have to wonder if any of that stuff would really help. I would also like to take it as a sign that maybe I just don't hate myself as much as I thought, but I find that one hard to believe. It's probably just the fact that one of those things I need to improve is to get over my pure and utter laziness. Seriously, though, I suffer such moments of pure self-loathing now and then that there's no way I can be happy with who I am. But whatever, I'm at least a decent person - I mean, there's worse people out there - I certainly like some things about me - like... well, nothing comes to mind at the moment, but that's probably just because I'm in a crappy mood (more on that later). It's not that I'm a bad person (not most of the time, anyway) - I'm just not a very good one, either.

Anyway. Other things that have been bothering me lately:

I feel like crap. Utterly miserable. Guh, sometimes I actually wish I wasn't female.

My dad hurt his back again today, and he has a terrible cold/cough/sore throat.

My grandfather fell and hurt his knee again the other day, and he can hardly walk just now.

My other grandparents are in Florida for Christmas, again. Another thing that bothers me for no particular reason.

Mom keeps nagging at me about having to be more sociable and talkative around relatives, and especially to my brother and his girlfriend when they get here. To start, most of my relatives are stupid, and so I feel justified in not being sociable with them, because I have very low tolerance for that kind of stupidity. As for my brother, we have a weird sort of sibling relationship. Most people seem to have fought a lot when they were younger, and then get along better when they're older. My brother and I have always just kind of ignored one another. Not even so much ignored, as just, "yeah, you're there, whatever." That's just the way we are. As for his girlfriend, mom is all "She gets very nervous and apprehensive around people, and she's very shy and not outgoing at all, so you should make an effort to talk to her." Um. She just described me, and I'm the one who's supposed to make other people feel welcome? Guh.

Right after that conversation, mom accused me of being not very "merry and jolly" and that I have to "get out of my box." What the hell? I'm merry! I'm jolly! And I most certainly do not live in a box. Fuck.

There's a raging snowstorm outside that will probably knock the power out, sooner or later, and will probably have me cooped up in the house for several more days, and which may mean that my brother and his girlfriend won't even be getting here tomorrow.

Our car broke down this week and we had to get a new one, because what my family really needs at this particular moment is to spend more money.

And it means I have to learn to drive a standard.

I've been home for a week, and the only times that I've been out were to go grocery shopping with dad and Christmas shopping with my parents.

I'm really not going to see my friends all that much over the break. There's the IB reception, which is very short, and which will have an unfortunately large portion taken up by the actual awarding of diplomas and certificates, and with talking to teachers, instead of friends. Although, none of my teachers actually like me, so it will probably be more standing in a corner watching everyone else talk to the teachers and ending up talking to JH's mom, although I think she doesn't love me quite as much as she used to. Anyway. Then there's ST's party, which should be sufficiently awkward, but then, her parties always are, and generally turn out fine anyway. Then maybe going to T.'s for New Year's, if he remembers to invite me this year. And hopefully the Prison Break marathon will actually happen, if LH doesn't end up spending all break with camp/Church friends, and AF doesn't have hockey every day... It's starting to look like even caroling might not happen, and it's one of my favourite Christmas traditions. And of course, all this leaves the question of WHEN THE HELL AM I GOING TO SEE TM??? It's so weird to have not seen my best friend since May. And for all of our "definitely absolutely for sure going to see each other this time"... we've been saying that since June. "Oh yeah, we're going to hang out all the time this summer, it will be just like last year..." "Okay, we've got three weeks til I move to the city, we will see each other before I go..." "I'm coming home for a day, let's get together..." "It's Thanksgiving weekend, I'm home for three days, there's got to be a chance for us to see each other..." I'm afraid that's what it will be like this time.

I miss King's people!!! :(

Relationships are weird. Also, they always make me feel like I'm weird, because I'm pretty sure it's not normal to find them weird. But whatever. Maybe it is just that I'm weird? Probably.

Dad's already after me to start applying for summer jobs. And my parents want to know where I'm going to live next year and what I'm going to take and how I'm going to pay for it, and I can just hear the unspoken questions of what the hell I'm going to do with my life anyway, and why did they let me talk them into letting me take an arts degree, anyway? And I don't have the answers to any of those questions.

I don't have the answers to any of those questions.

My dad seems to have it in his head that I should either work for the government or be a teacher. Those both kind of sound like hell.

Other things that need to get done before Christmas break: finish dad's Christmas present, finish LH's Christmas present (oh, another thing, I feel absolutely terrible about getting her a present and not anyone else... I mean, there is some major guilt going on), write several thank you letters, and get ahead on my FYP reading...

Speaking of which, I am terrified of getting marks and things back in January. I mean, I'm very confident about the midterm, and I think my last paper (can't believe we never got that back...) was pretty decent, but I'm really unsure about my oral, and I think my position paper out and out sucked...

And on the subject of King's and marks and thank you letters... why did they give me their largest scholarship? I'm pretty sure I'm the stupidest person in the school...

Anyway, I'll stop whining now. (And some people try to tell me I don't whine. Pfft.) I think someday I'll have to try actually writing something when I'm in a good mood...

Thursday, 13 December 2007

Christmas is...

Family. Friends. Being home. Being together. Traditions. Advent calendars and millions of decorations made by my mother. A christmas tree covered in golden tinsel and tiny coloured lights, its boughs laden with ornaments collected over the years. A million different kinds of Christmas cookies. Eating enormous dinners until you can barely move to get to the couch and doze in front of the tv. Parades, pot lucks, and paper chains; snowflakes, Santas, and shoveling. Candles. Going to church for the only time in the year, but actually enjoying it. Caroling all around Lunenburg, even though none of us even live there any more, and just walking around talking and fooling around and playing ini the snow, and singing the wrong words to the songs and making old ladies cry and then going to Tim Horton's for hot chocolate and donuts. Egg nog, apple cider, and hot chocolate with a candy cane in it. Way too many present piled under the tree, with their ribbons and bows shining in the light. Slowly opening our stocking presents, then taking a break for brunch before moving onto the other presents, and savoring each one, pitying those poor fools who rush to tear the wrapping off.

But I think, what I like most about Christmas, is that certain attitude that people get, I guess it's what you call Christmas spirit. That certain air of being just a little kinder, a little more generous. Waking up to realize that "there's a world outside your window and it's a world of dread and fear," and giving back a little bit of what you've got, because most of us really have far more than we need, and yet we insist on holding onto it and letting millions of people go on being deprived of the bare essentials...

I've always loved that Christmas song from Charlie Brown, 'Christmas Time is Here'... but I never really paid any attention to the actual words until I went to see the 'A New Kind of Light' concert (which was, by the way, excellent) and they performed it. And really, it's the perfect song to describe my feelings. So here it is:

Christmas time is here
Happiness and cheer
Fun for all that children call
Their favorite time of the year

Snowflakes in the air
Carols everywhere
Olden times and ancient rhymes
Of love and dreams to share

Sleigh bells in the air
Beauty everywhere
Yuletide by the fireside
And joyful memories there

Christmas time is here
We'll be drawing near
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year
Oh, that we could always see
Such spirit through the year...

So my parents keep asking what I want for Christmas. And I keep saying I don't know, because, as always, I don't. Their threat to me is, "if you don't tell us what you want, we're going to get you a goat." Meaning, of course, buying a goat for a family in Africa or South America through World Vision. I think that might just be the best present they could possibly give me, so I'm not going to argue.

Anyway, while I'm on the topic, go play FreeRice.

Good night.

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

Home, and fucking lonely.

I honestly think this might just be the loneliest I've ever been. I'm literally on the edge of tears because I just miss people so much. Partly, it's because I miss everyone at King's - those guys have come to mean so much to me. And as much as I thought I wouldn't be able to stand having people around 24/7, I've gotten so used to always having someone I can visit or call or whatever, that it's so weird to have seen no one outside my family for 4 days. I'm really not coping with the sudden lack of people very well. Partly, it's because I've just come to the realization that most of my high school friends are only going to be around for two or three weeks and that they have to spend time with their family and their other friends and whatnot, and that really, I'll be lucky if I get tos ee everyone once while we're home. And I think partly, it's because I looked at pictures of the Dal kids today, and realized that they're all still together and having a good time and getting to be closer than ever, and that I'm just not a part of their lives any more, and I never talk to them and I don't even know what goes on with them and that as much as I love everyone at King's, no one will ever replace, no one CAN ever replace my IB nerds, because we went throught that together and we've known each other forever and that's something that you just expect is going to last forever and ever and ever, but obviously it doesn't if I'm feeling this distant from them, and sometimes I just have to wonder if they ever even stop for a second to think of me and be sad that I'm not there with them...

Okay, this has to stop. All I'm doing is making myself feel worse. Long story short, I'm having a shitty night, I am EXTREMELY lonely, and if anyone should happen to read this, please either come give me a hug or at least send me a virtual hug over facebook or msn or the comments here or whatever and tell me that you miss me, because I am emotional and needy, dammit!

Saturday, 8 December 2007

Going Home...

So it's official. Tomorrow morning at ten o'clock I will be waving good bye to King's as I head home for Christmas break. I have suched mixed feelings on this whole deal. In some ways, I'm really excited to go home, but in other ways I just want to stay here forever. I mean, looking at this realistically, I only lived in the house for three weeks, and I've lived here for over three months now. King's is far more of a home to me than Chester Basin. On the other hand, though, what makes a home is the people, and in Chester Basin I'll have my family, which is what's important. Anyway, I'm lazy, so I'm just going to make lists.

Things that will be good about going home and things I won't miss about King's...

Seeing mom, dad, friends, and pets.
Good food, no Sodexho!
A real shower, and a bathtub!
Having time to relax, not writing essays!
I won't miss the drunken parties in my room which invariably lead to there being a big mess that I have to clean up in the morning and then end up being grouchy about it.
I won't miss all the drama.
I won't miss the snobby people.
I'll be out of the city! Yay!

Things that will suck about going home and things I will miss about King's...

I will miss all my excellent King's friends. <3
I will miss getting excited about everything - dinner time, door, paper clip, Galileo, etc...
Tomorrow, within an hour of getting home, all my relatives will be showing up for a family Christmas party. Not that there's anything wrong with that, just I would prefer to have some time to unpack and unwind and talk to my parents before I have the whole clan shoved down my throat.
I have to sleep on the couch all month.
I will miss having people around 24/7 to prevent boredom.

That's pretty much it. This is all so weird and bittersweet, but I'm sure once I get home I'll enjoy it perfectly fine. Really.