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Sunday, 16 December 2007

"That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown"

[I warn you now, this is a rather unhappy entry (surprise, surprise). Read at own risk.]

For all my talk about Christmas being a time of loving other people and opening our hearts and all that, I'm not in much of a Christmas spirit myself these days. I think this is the most angry and bitter and self-centered I've been in quite a while, actually. I mean, I always am all those things, but lately, more than usual. For instance, I'm, you could say, less than thrilled, about my brother's girlfriend spending Christmas with us. She's a lovely person and all that, but it just seems wrong. Having people we barely know in the house during Christmas? That's just awkward and weird. And then it's not like family anymore. I don't know. I'm sure it will be fine...

I'm also being absurdly bitter that as of tomorrow night, I won't have a bed to sleep in. Really, it's not that big of a deal, I'm sure there'll be a nice lumpy couch or leaky air mattress, or something, for me to sleep on. My parents still haven't gotten the "nice comfortable futon" that they've been going to buy for four months now. Like I said, I don't know why it bothers me so much, it's just a bed. I guess it just kind of encapsulates that whole feeling of being somewhere new and having the first Christmas in the new house and being a stranger in my own home.

So anyway, in the process of re-labeling this entire blog the other day, I went back and read a lot of my posts, including this one. And I realized that I haven't even tried to do any of that stuff. I never do any of that stuff, any time I convince myself that I am going to do something to make myself a better person, or at least someone that I can be happier with, I completely forget about it within a week and go on being just as horrible as ever. Although, I also have to wonder if any of that stuff would really help. I would also like to take it as a sign that maybe I just don't hate myself as much as I thought, but I find that one hard to believe. It's probably just the fact that one of those things I need to improve is to get over my pure and utter laziness. Seriously, though, I suffer such moments of pure self-loathing now and then that there's no way I can be happy with who I am. But whatever, I'm at least a decent person - I mean, there's worse people out there - I certainly like some things about me - like... well, nothing comes to mind at the moment, but that's probably just because I'm in a crappy mood (more on that later). It's not that I'm a bad person (not most of the time, anyway) - I'm just not a very good one, either.

Anyway. Other things that have been bothering me lately:

I feel like crap. Utterly miserable. Guh, sometimes I actually wish I wasn't female.

My dad hurt his back again today, and he has a terrible cold/cough/sore throat.

My grandfather fell and hurt his knee again the other day, and he can hardly walk just now.

My other grandparents are in Florida for Christmas, again. Another thing that bothers me for no particular reason.

Mom keeps nagging at me about having to be more sociable and talkative around relatives, and especially to my brother and his girlfriend when they get here. To start, most of my relatives are stupid, and so I feel justified in not being sociable with them, because I have very low tolerance for that kind of stupidity. As for my brother, we have a weird sort of sibling relationship. Most people seem to have fought a lot when they were younger, and then get along better when they're older. My brother and I have always just kind of ignored one another. Not even so much ignored, as just, "yeah, you're there, whatever." That's just the way we are. As for his girlfriend, mom is all "She gets very nervous and apprehensive around people, and she's very shy and not outgoing at all, so you should make an effort to talk to her." Um. She just described me, and I'm the one who's supposed to make other people feel welcome? Guh.

Right after that conversation, mom accused me of being not very "merry and jolly" and that I have to "get out of my box." What the hell? I'm merry! I'm jolly! And I most certainly do not live in a box. Fuck.

There's a raging snowstorm outside that will probably knock the power out, sooner or later, and will probably have me cooped up in the house for several more days, and which may mean that my brother and his girlfriend won't even be getting here tomorrow.

Our car broke down this week and we had to get a new one, because what my family really needs at this particular moment is to spend more money.

And it means I have to learn to drive a standard.

I've been home for a week, and the only times that I've been out were to go grocery shopping with dad and Christmas shopping with my parents.

I'm really not going to see my friends all that much over the break. There's the IB reception, which is very short, and which will have an unfortunately large portion taken up by the actual awarding of diplomas and certificates, and with talking to teachers, instead of friends. Although, none of my teachers actually like me, so it will probably be more standing in a corner watching everyone else talk to the teachers and ending up talking to JH's mom, although I think she doesn't love me quite as much as she used to. Anyway. Then there's ST's party, which should be sufficiently awkward, but then, her parties always are, and generally turn out fine anyway. Then maybe going to T.'s for New Year's, if he remembers to invite me this year. And hopefully the Prison Break marathon will actually happen, if LH doesn't end up spending all break with camp/Church friends, and AF doesn't have hockey every day... It's starting to look like even caroling might not happen, and it's one of my favourite Christmas traditions. And of course, all this leaves the question of WHEN THE HELL AM I GOING TO SEE TM??? It's so weird to have not seen my best friend since May. And for all of our "definitely absolutely for sure going to see each other this time"... we've been saying that since June. "Oh yeah, we're going to hang out all the time this summer, it will be just like last year..." "Okay, we've got three weeks til I move to the city, we will see each other before I go..." "I'm coming home for a day, let's get together..." "It's Thanksgiving weekend, I'm home for three days, there's got to be a chance for us to see each other..." I'm afraid that's what it will be like this time.

I miss King's people!!! :(

Relationships are weird. Also, they always make me feel like I'm weird, because I'm pretty sure it's not normal to find them weird. But whatever. Maybe it is just that I'm weird? Probably.

Dad's already after me to start applying for summer jobs. And my parents want to know where I'm going to live next year and what I'm going to take and how I'm going to pay for it, and I can just hear the unspoken questions of what the hell I'm going to do with my life anyway, and why did they let me talk them into letting me take an arts degree, anyway? And I don't have the answers to any of those questions.

I don't have the answers to any of those questions.

My dad seems to have it in his head that I should either work for the government or be a teacher. Those both kind of sound like hell.

Other things that need to get done before Christmas break: finish dad's Christmas present, finish LH's Christmas present (oh, another thing, I feel absolutely terrible about getting her a present and not anyone else... I mean, there is some major guilt going on), write several thank you letters, and get ahead on my FYP reading...

Speaking of which, I am terrified of getting marks and things back in January. I mean, I'm very confident about the midterm, and I think my last paper (can't believe we never got that back...) was pretty decent, but I'm really unsure about my oral, and I think my position paper out and out sucked...

And on the subject of King's and marks and thank you letters... why did they give me their largest scholarship? I'm pretty sure I'm the stupidest person in the school...

Anyway, I'll stop whining now. (And some people try to tell me I don't whine. Pfft.) I think someday I'll have to try actually writing something when I'm in a good mood...

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