Pages

Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Shit.

Okay. I admit it. I have no idea who I am anymore. What happened to the sweet innocent little Katie that I knew and loved?

I have been drunk 3 times in the past week and a half, and about 10 times in the past two months. Compared to the once every month or two that I was used to at home. Partying is starting to get in the way of other things. Not good.

Tonight alone, I hit on 5 people (4 male, 1 female) and meant it in every case. In the past week and a half, I have made out with two random guys. Keep in mind that I broke up with Steven just less than a week ago. Yeah. So much for monogamy and commitment.

I also had a puff of a cigar tonight. Like seriously, WHAT THE FUCK?! That is not a Katie move at all, no, no, NO! This is bad. The worst of it is, I wasn't even that repulsed by it. I mean, it certainly wasn't good, but it also wasn't "ew, gross, I never want to do this again." Gah.

Who the hell am I becoming?

I want to go home.

Sunday, 28 October 2007

I want to be a gypsy.

I don't really want to be here any more. I love King's and I love FYP, but this isn't what I want to do with my life. I feel like I'm wasting my time. I want to just STOP and LET GO. I want to write and make music and draw and play in the leaves and blow bubbles. None of this stuff is important. You don't need philosophy, you just need happiness.

I always wonder what it would be like to just LIVE and NOT WORRY about all that 'life' shit that people make a big deal about. I think it would be splendid.

Friday, 26 October 2007

Happiness?

Happiness is an elusive dream which floats just ahead, encouraging me to keep going. Sometimes I get close enough to brush it with my fingertips, but it always pulls away after but a fleeting second. Someday, someday, I'll grasp it in my fist and hold on forever...

Wednesday, 24 October 2007

Things That Make Me Happy

AF added me as a friend on Facebook today. I'm thinking, whatever, she seems nice, even if we've only had maybe 5-7 conversations ever, that's fine. A few hours later, she sends me this message:

heyy..
i found my wonder writers book thing when i went home this weekend, and i read your story again...i just wanted to let you know that i think you are an amazing writer, and that story was exactly what i needed to hear in that moment.
thank you :)
hope youre having fun at kings
af

This was like a double dose of happy, not just because she complimented my writing, but because in some small way I made things better for her. And hey, that's what life is all about, right?

***

This:

http://notes.sheetmusicplus.com/store/smp_soundclip.html?item=3546719&f=3546719_12970.mp3&cart=340222529910230925

"And the next one's Rio CON Brio..."

Bahahaha. Although it's kind of sad too, because it makes me miss band in a real bad way. Also ZM.

***

I finally really feel like I fit in here. I've found that group of friends that I can spend time with and feel comfortable around them and act like myself. It's nice to have friends.

***

Speaking of friends: Keeping in touch with old ones is pretty sweet too. FINALLY heard from AS last week... turns out her mom decided not to pay for interwebs for a month. Although very sad, this is better than the alternatives that she was either mad at me or dead. And now that she has internet again, s'all good.

Had a real conversation with LH on Monday... first time in ages that we've talked for more than 5 minutes at a time. It was nice.

I went over to Risley last night and visited with JH, CZ and CC.. they all seem to be doing well, and they promised they would come visit soon. I hope they actually do... I also saw CV while I was there, I hadn't really realized how much I missed his randomness until I saw him. I have to say, that was the first time in a loooong time that I laughed until I couldn't breathe.

***

School is going really well lately... even though I'm kind of slacking off, I'm still getting everything done. Everything kind of makes sense lately. I got Essay #3 back, and my marks are continuing to improve. :) Which is especially good since I was really worried about this essay. Also got French midterm back - 95%, booyah! That class is such a joke, though. It's excellent.

***

Breaking up with S. actually felt really good. I know that sounds horrible, but... I mean, I still care about him and want to be friends and everything. I just couldn't deal with that relationship any more. And it feels so good not to have to worry about whether we were going to break up or stay together and how we were going to make things better... I didn't need that bullshit dragging me down. I'm free now, and I'm fine with that.

***

Basically, everything in my life is coming together perfectly right now. I haven't been this content with me life and at peace with everything in a long time.

Tuesday, 23 October 2007

Gah.

I'm sick of trying to fix things, dammit!

Or rather, I'm sick of other people trying to force me into fixing things when I just want them to stay broken.

Saturday, 20 October 2007

So confuzzled.

You know how sometimes, you really want something, and then when it happens, you realize it's not what you wanted at all? Actually, no, that's not quite right. It's more that you think it happened, but it wasn't quite the same thing... maybe the same event, but with a different meaning and intent behind it. Yeah, more like that.

And it really doesn't help when you also know that that thing is very, very wrong, and you should feel very, very guilty. But you don't feel guilty. Not even a little bit. At all.

Do I actually have any meaning at all, or am I just another worthless body, there for other people's gratification?

Sigh.

Friday, 12 October 2007

In Rainbows, and school.

In Rainbows is the most amazing thing to happen to me in the past, I don't know, like, eight months or more. Like, seriously. I had never listened to Radiohead before, but JD who lives in my res is, like, uber-obsessed with them. Last night he made me listen to "Videotape". I was hooked, I HAD to have this album. This is why music is written. This is the sole purpose. Ever. It gives me shivers. It's been a long time since any external music has done that to me.

Anyway. I have to say, I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed right now. I've barely started my FYP essay due this Monday, plus the readings for next week are pretty intense. I have my French midterm on Friday, and I don't even have the French story I'm supposed to read for Monday. Whatever. I'll get through it. And hey, if not, that's life, right? I've got to learn to worry less, right? Because all this stress isn't good for me... right?

On the bright side, I'm actually enjoying tutorial now. Change of tutor made a huge difference. DanBran is god. Pretty much. He actually, like, explains stuff. And keeps the obnoxious idiots on track. It's excellent.

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Home

Being home, it was hard to imagine ever being sad. How could anything get you down, when the bluest sky in the world was right above you, and there were red leaves on the trees, and it smelled like fall? Being sad was an impossibility. I want to go back to that.

When I was home, I kept talking about when I was "going home" - meaning coming back to King's. Funny, isn't it, how quickly you adjust? But now that I'm back at King's, it doesn't really feel much like home.

I was starting to get used to things and feel like maybe I was finding that niche where I fit in, you know? But then I saw all my high school friends this weekend, and now I'm thinking, why am I here? How could I talk about having friends here? Those are my friends, I want to be with them!

Four days ago, I had the best birthday of my life. Bowling, out to lunch (free cake!), sailing, BBQ, Twister, fireworks, charades. Seeing everyone for pretty much the first time in a month. Not having to plan anything or be the hostess. It was perfect. Now, four days later. I'm feeling down again. Sigh.

At least there are a few nice people around. They make me smile. Although the one person that I've connected with the most is somehow the one that I seem to see the least - maybe I need to go blow bubbles outside again tonight? See if I can find her?

Or, you know, sit in my room and feel miserable. Yeah.

Edit: Okay, there are even more nicer people here than I thought a few minutes ago. :)

Why is it that I've gotten more birthday presents from my "friends" here than from my "friends" at home?

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

A Sad Night

Things that make me sad lately, and tonight especially:

Living in the city. Okay, I know Halifax isn't much of a 'city', but when you're used to the outskirts of Lunenburg, and then Chester Basin, it's a very big place. I miss having fields and forests on all sides, I miss having a pond/stream in my back yard, being a five minute walk from the ocean, and mostly, BEING ABLE TO SEE THE STARS. I miss the deer and the birds and, hell, even the squirrels. At home, I used to feel small because I was surrounded by everything, and it was so vast. Here, I feel small because the buildings tower over you and block everything out, and you're surrounded by people but yet you're all alone, and it's harder to find a friendly face and a warm hug. I guess it's one of those things you get used to. Or you don't.

The fact that I haven't seen SG yet. She's a twenty minute walk away, and I haven't seen her in a month? I don't even have her phone/room number yet. Things just aren't like they used to be, in junior high and grade ten, when we spent ALL our time together, and we could practically read each other's minds, and we told each other all our secrets and stories and everything. Why do things have to change like this?

Not having a way to contact AS. Long distance calling is too expensive, and she never checks her e-mail/facebook, and she hasn' been on MSN lately. I feel so lost without her, especially nights like tonight, when I'm sad, and I know that if this was home and things were normal I could call her up and the sound of her voice would make me happy.

Hardly talking to LH now. I miss her like the grass misses the sun in winter. It's unreal, actually.

Knowing that TM is sad and lonely at home, and not being able to do anything about it. I want to go hug him and do the candy dance and draw emo pictures, because it would make us both happy, and it would make the world go back to the way it used to be.

Fighting with S. Constantly. For no reason.

My emotions. They're running away and dragging me along behind with no idea what's going on. I'm trying to gain control, but it's not working. In a way, I'm the kite, pulled by the wind, but I'm also the kite-flyer, trying to get the kite under control.

Suicide. I know that sounds weird, but ever since RF hung himself, it's been on my mind. I think it is quite possibly the most tragic thing that could ever happen. The fact that we were in the middle of Oedipus the King and Antigone at the time drove it in even deeper. It makes me really sad, because of the way I used to think about it last summer. It's strange, how one year can change your perspective so completely. I'm shocked at how casually I used to think about it, the way I used to look at knives and pills. I can't believe I'm writing this on the internet. But that's how it was. I can't imagine even considering it now. But I'm coming from a different perspective now, so I guess maybe it is logical?

Cutting. Two weeks ago, I had a few days where I could't get this off my mind. I was scared. It was bad. I mean, I didn't, because I don't, but I was sorely tempted. I think one of the only reasons I don't cut is because my knife is too dull, it would hurt too much. I think I'll keep it that way.

My complete inability to make friends. Being suddenly deposited in the middle of 275 strange people, this is somewhat of a disadvantate, you have to agree.

Anyway, 7:30 will come all to soon, so good night.