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Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Odds and Ends

I honestly cannot believe that sleeping as much as I have been lately can possibly healthy. On Friday, I napped for an hour, for an hour and a half each on Saturday and Sunday, half an hour yesterday, and two and a half hours today. And it's not like I haven't been sleeping well or anything, I've had more than seven hours a night every night for the past week, except for last night where I only had six. It's kind of strange. I've been blaming my drowsiness on the crappy food and lack of exercise; I really hope that's all it is. I definitely have to start trying to be healthier about those things, though, and see if it makes me feel any better.

So, MZ added me on Facebook. Deep down, I realize that probably nothing will happen and I'll continue to feel the same lack of closure that I always have, but somehow it feels like it turned my whole world upside down. In fact, it almost made me feel sick to my stomach. I guess it's just a shock to realize that ghosts from your past are still alive.

For some reason today I decided that it would be a good idea to download Tales of Pirates onto my laptop. Why, I'm not sure. Because I really need another mode of procrastination? Pfft. Right.

Anyway. I am busy as a ...beaver? Yes? That is the saying, right? for the next couple of weeks. Tomorrow night, Christmas dinner and improv. Friday I have my French final, then we are making a potluck, and in the evening I am going out to a Christmas Concert with my parents. Saturday and Sunday there are Christmassy things going on on campus. Monday, french project due. A week from tomorrow, oral exam, and then the position paper. Eek. Oh, and I also have to finish my D&D character (was going to do that today, may or may not happen...), and I promised SE that we could get together sometime this week and catch up/reminisce/whatever, and... for some reason it seemed like there was more? Maybe not. Eh.

Monday, 26 November 2007

...and holding on

Yesterday's post got me to thinking about this. I find my mixture of holding on and letting go very strange. There are some things that I will hold onto forever, but others that I let go ofwith barely a second thought. There doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to it, that's just the way it is.

For example, I've found it very easy to let go of S. I've only even talked to him once since we broke up. That doesn't mean that we didn't have a wonderful relationship, or that I don't still care about him as a friend, but it was just very easy for me to let go of those feelings and have him slip away. On the other hand, when AH and I broke up the first time, I could not let go. Even though he cheated on me, even though he hurt me more than anyone else ever has, I still held on to him and my feelings for him until we got back together.

And this isn't just in relationships. Look at how easily I let go of my religious beliefs, but how I still hold on to sleeping with a teddy bear. Or how I've let go of my attachment to the Lunenburg house, but still want to hold onto the woods and the trails and the ponds and my boulders. Or how I've held onto ST, doing everything in my power to hold on for three and a half long years, and still going strong... but how easily I'm letting go of my communication with other high school friends.

Perhaps what's strangest of all, though, is how in my heart, I still insist on holding onto AT. This boy has always been a mystery to me, and not one I'll soon forget. My entire human relationship to him has been based on those few precious days at the end of grade eight. I remember those as being the best of times, cherished forever in my memory, not just for what we had, but for everything in my life at that time. But I remember that while it was happening, I was ashamed. Ashamed of liking the silly nerdy boy that all my friends made fun of. To be fair, I was only 13 at the time, but I wish I could have appreciated it more.

High school was strange between us. I mean, he was indirectly responsible for my relationship with A. Sure, it's not big deal no, because that would have ended sooner or later anyway, but at the time, it was a big thing. Still, despite all the signs, I couldn't suck up my courage and beat down my pride, and continued to reject him. And even after that, he continued to be there for me. No matter what was wrong, he was always there for a hug and a shoulder to cry on, always there to tell me that everything would be okay.

We haven't spoken in about a year. I have no idea where he is now. I hope he's doing well. But still when I'm feeling down, all I want in the world is to have him here to give me a hug and make me smile. My heart just won't let go.

Sunday, 25 November 2007

Letting Go

I want to let go of rules and restrictions and do whatever I want, whenever I want.
I want to let go of everyone and everything around me and just float alone through the world.
I want to let go of time and redefine eternity on my own terms.
I want to let go of boundaries and boxes and mix everything together, letting the world flow into one.
I want to let go of reality and live in a world of my own design.
I'm tired of holding on, I just want to let go...

Saturday, 24 November 2007

Christmas Home-Sickness

So, I went to the Craft Fair over at the DalPlex today with JS, which was kind of weird. See, what happened was that she casually mentioned it to RC, who decided that they were definitely going, and convinced me to go to, and then when we got there, she remembered that she hated Christmas and that she had to go do some errands, and decided not to come. Whatever. It was fine, just that JS and I are both very quiet and indecisive, so we ended up wandering around aimlessly for half an hour and then leaving.

Half an hour was more than long enough, however, to make me extremely homesick. Which was weird, because it was just a craft show. Mom and I always went to the one in Lunenburg together, but it was never a big deal, certainly not something that I associated with being an important part of the Christmas tradition. But just being there, with the music and the booths and everything... it really got to me. It seemed like home. Right down to booths from Amos Pewter and Ms. Vickers' company.

Even more, it made me realize that I actually want to go home way more than I was aware. I mean, yes, I love it here, and I'm having a great time, but it will be nice to be there for Christmas. I've been saying that I'll probably get bored after a couple weeks and be ready to come back, but I realized today that isn't true at all. That will probably happen when I go home for summer, but Christmas? Boring? At our house? No way! When I really think of it, having only two weeks to bake Christmas cookies and decorate and listen to Christmas music is not nearly enough! And they'll probably already have the tree up and decorated before I get there, which is a little sad.

Ah well. At least the Christmas festivities here are getting started up, so hopefully that will make up for it a little. If I'm going to have to miss out on old traditions, at least there will be new ones to take their place. And speaking of old traditions, I must remember to ask Mand co. about caroling this year. I'll be pretty sassed if we don't go.

I never want to spend Christmas away from home.

Friday, 23 November 2007

Just Some Words

I'm holding together
But only barely
You're slowly unraveling
The shining strands of my
Carefully woven reality

The world is getting far too close
It clings like seaweed to a rock
And I just can't handle
The distance we have yet to cover

I only close my eyes
Because it's easier to shut you out
Than stare the truth in the face.

-----

Frankly, I'm utterly terrified.

Thursday, 22 November 2007

Actual Conversation Today

RC: Have you ever been high?
Me: No.
RC: Do you want to?
Me: What?!
RC: No, seriously.

Definitely not the person I would expect to encourage me to do drugs.

Oh dear.

-----

People are so weird. Why are people so weird? If they were less weird, I would understand them so much better. Do they not want me to understand them? Why can't we all just understand one another and be open about everything and either get along or not, but be okay with it, because does it really matter if one person doesn't like you? And what's the big deal about being afraid of people's opinions? I understand that I am being extraordinarily hypocritical here, but hey, I should change too.

Monday, 19 November 2007

Life Lessons Learned Since Coming to King's

-I don't 'make mistakes', I have new experiences and figure out which ones I should not repeat.
-Doing schoolwork in advance=less stress (Okay, so I had this one from IB too, I just needed a reminder)
-We're all fools, and those who acknowledge their foolishness are wiser than those who pretend to be wise. Since we can't help but be fools, we might as well enjoy it. (Thank you, Erasmus)
-Religion and philosophy are the same thing. (Thank you, Neoplatonists) I have yet to figure out exactly how this changes my own world view, but I think with a little more contemplation and time, my agnosticism will be developing into a personalized belief system.
-Eating is easier when I'm less picky. Also, eggs are less disgusting then I thought!
-How to eat with chopsticks, and how to make sushi.
-After only two and a half months, you might not know a person very well, but that doesn't mean they aren't a wonderful friend.
-When you don't have time to do the things that make you happy, make time.
-Enjoying writing the essay is more satisfying then doing well on the essay.
-Just because other people are smarter than you doesn't mean you're stupid.

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

Long Weekend Shenanigans

Alright, so some of this is a repeat from last post, but I somehow feel the need to tell the whole story...

(Also, I'm editing my entire blog to take out people's names - I decided it's okay to put myself all over the internet, but I don't have the right to do it to them. Everyone is now being called by their initials. If I come to a conflict, I will make a nickname for someone. Maybe eventually I'll come up with fun nicknames for everyone.)

Friday. I woke up and laid on my bed for an hour and a half going over everything for the midterm in my head. Went down to breakfast, then had another hour or so of studying in my room. The actual midterm was ridiculously easy. I finished the entire thing in less than half an hour, but there were six quotes that I just had no idea what they were from, so I spent the entire rest of the time agonizing over those.

After that, there was some downtime and lunch, then off to French class. Our presentation went surprisingly well, considering we had pulled everything together since Wednesday. And considering one group member did absolutely nothing.

Anyway. So nothing much else happened until evening, at which point MM, DC, AB, TD, PM, MW, and eventually JD came over to my room and we drank (If you pay close attention to the rest of the post, you will see that this is a common theme for the weekend). It was a good night, although a little slow, since we somehow ended up watching YouTube videos for a ridiculous amount of time. Although MW did teach us the words to the frog song. We also called CH and left drunk messages on his answering machine. Sigh. This doesn't sound like a big deal, but there was that time last week when everyone decided that I was in love with CH and that was all they were going to talk about for an entire meal and I ended up crying over it... I've changed my mind since then and just laugh and go along with it, but I still find it awkward that we call him drunkenly three times a night and leave messages saying that we love him and/or want his body.

Saturday. Got up, went to breakfast, and then went shopping for sushi supplies with TD, RC, and LG. We went to the asian food store, but they weren't open yet, so we went to Save Easy first, then Planet Organic, then the asian food store, then back to Planet Organic... I had no idea how much was involved with sushi. So we came back to King's and made the sushi. When I came out of Alex Hall at 3, it was snowing! This would have been even more exciting if I hadn't been in flip flops, but whatever.

So I went inside and downloaded a bunch of Christmas music, and then MM, AB, and DC came over for a reading party and hot chocolate. And by reading, I mean not really reading at all. And TD showed up after a while, and we all went to dinner. In the evening, we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas and then everyone came to my room, and we drank. More drunk calling of CH. Also visiting ES at work... fun times.

Sunday. I got up, went to breakfast, read ten pages, then wasted a few hours til lunch. After lunch, I read ten more pages, and fell asleep for two and a half hours. I woke up, read a few more pages, and went to supper. I am THAT awesome. After supper, we went to MM's room and started discussing the D&D game. Then, now this one's crazy, watch how we switch it up... we went to ES's room and drank! Shocking. That ended badly. Not going to go into details, because really, I'm not sure that what happened was any of my business. But AB, TD and I ended up in my room sitting in awkward silence for about 45 minutes. Not fun. Things still aren't great.

Monday. I went to breakfast at 8:30, had a shower, then hid in my room doing work until supper. After supper, we hung out in AB's room for a bit, then we came to my room and drank. Exciting day.

Tuesday. Lazed around for the early morning, then went and had 'brunch' with RC and JS. Brunch turned out to be miso soup with carrots, celery, tofu, celantro, green onions, etc.; soba noodles; avocado; cucumber; and elderflower water. For dessert we had carmelized apples and mango. Oh, how I do love real food. So wonderful. Anyhow. What I expect for the rest of the day is to finish the reading for tomorrow and hopefully get some real work done on my essay. Goodness gracious. I just don't want the weekend to be over... four days is not enough!

Sunday, 11 November 2007

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

People are so weird. I'm not sure I will ever understand people. EVER. Seriously.

But anyway.

FIRST SNOW YESTERDAY! I always find it weird when it starts snowing and I get excited. I hate winter. It is cold and wet, neither of which I enjoy. And I'm not sure where fall went this year... I feel like I missed it entirely. It's odd. But there's just something special about the first snow, even if it is kind of slushy. I celebrated by listening to Christmas music and drinking hot chocolate. Oh, and we watched The Nightmare Before Christmas. And then I reminisced back to the days when SG and LE and I would watch Christmas movies in November, and it always snowed the next day, and we would go walking in it for ridiculous amounts of time and come back and put on dry clothes and cuddle up in blankets or huddle by the woodstove and just talk...

I miss that. Also the traditional watching of Hocus Pocus. Gosh.

We also made sushi yesterday. Not *real* sushi, just California rolls, but they were very delicious. I had never had sushi of any kind before, and it was surprisingly good. And lots of fun, too. :)