Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Looking Back: 2008

I thought that, it being the end of the year and all, it might be a good time to look back on the past year and reflect on it. I started writing this post on a month-by-month basis, but that's not working out so well, actually. The important things don't separate nicely into months, you know? They do, however, more ore less separate into four-month chunks. How convenient.

Chunk One: January to April

To be honest, I don't remember very many specific things that happened that semester. I remember the beginning of reading week, when T. was here and we all went bowling the night before the FYP midterm and I tried to study and that went awfully (but I still got the highest mark. Hah!) And the next night, when we went out for dinner and then had the amazing snow fight. I remember the ridiculousness that was St. Patrick's Day/Martin's Birthday. But mostly, I remember feelings. I remember being ridiculously excited to go back after Christmas. I remember how our group got ridiculously lame and stopped doing things. I remember being constantly frustrated with my essay marks (and the essays themselves, hah). I remember what I went through trying to figure out courses and majors and things (oh, the horror...). I remember being terribly disappointed about losing Chair of Bays (In retrospect, this has become a good thing.). Um, okay, this isn't really a reflection, this is a mess. Let's straighten up. Okay. First semester. My friends were being lame, and that was sad. I was bored, a lot. I wished I was involved with things. I tried. I failed. I was frustrated with my academic performance. I tried really hard. I didn't do very well. I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. I made some progress. I was sad about going home. I guess I was still in love with school, even if the semester was less than ideal. Okay, so I'm finding that I don't actually really care enough about things that happened in this semester to analyze any more. Basically, a lot of things were going on then that are still going on now. Perhaps it was the beginning of the downfall?

Chunk Two: May to August

SUMMER. This is absolutely the best part of the year. Summer was perfect. Perfect.

Okay, well, there were those few weeks at the beginning of May when I was lonely and miserable and bored out of my tree and wanted more than anything to just be back at school. That was kinda shitty. And then there was the obligatory midsummer depression at the end of June, but those are just things that I've come to expect, really.

And those aren't the things I think of when I think of summer. I think of backwoods camping and Upper Clements and the drive-in and roadtrips and days at the beach and evenings at Beck's Lake and lots of board games and campfires and SHENANIGANS.

Mostly I remember being being ridiculously happy all the time.

I had a decent time at work too. I mean, it's not hard to like job when everyone there is super duper friendly, thinks you're fantastic, and praises you multiple times a day. Seriously. Aside from the fact that I didn't actually like the work all that much, it was pretty good. At least I didn't hate it, and hey, figuring out what I don't want to do with my life is a good step towards figuring out what I do want to do with my life.

Overall, summer was spectacular. I relearned how to be happy. That's probably the most important (and best) thing that's happened to me in, well, a couple years, actually.

Chunk Three: September to December

So this chunk could have gone better. It started off really badly. I hated Frosh Week even more than I hated it last year. I thought that at least seeing people would be exciting, but no. Because I hardly saw people. Being completely away from my King's friends was easier than being near enough to go see them but not to be able to spend every minute of every day with them like I was used to. Seeing them is fantastic, but it doesn't make up for the little things that happen everyday to make me want to be excited about them to someone, but there's no one around to be excited at. :(

September overall was a pretty rough month. There was a lot of crying in my room because I had no one to go to dinner with, and almost failing french quizzes, and arguing with my then-boyfriend. Uhhh, so, I didn't handle that break up very well... I know breaking up was the right thing to do, but I just didn't go about it in the right way. My bad.

But. I made it through September. And I hit October. I was getting better at school, I didn't have to deal with the arguing so much once we finally broke up, I learned to cope with residence and being alone more than I was used to, I saw my friends more, things were looking up. Then I got involved with a whole relationship mess which lasted for several months and still isn't really resolved. And by not really, I mean not actually at all. So that occupied my October, and most of my November.

But the thing is, along about November sometime, I realised that there was no point being upset. It just felt like... in September, nearly everyone in my life was sad all the time, including me. And that lasted for a while. But then in November I realized that I wasn't even upset about anything anymore. I had no reason to be sad. I was just sad because everyone I talked to was sad all the time, and that makes it very hard to be happy. So I decided to act happy to try to cheer up other people. I'm not sure how well that worked for me, but it sure made me feel a lot better.

So this isn't really what I intended it to be, but then, I'm not entirely sure what I intended it to be. Just not this, I guess. But, still, it's a pretty accurate portrayal of the year, I suppose, and I can't ask for too much more than that, really.

Thursday, 25 December 2008

Merry Christmas!

Wishing a very merry Christmas to the interwebs. I hope you all had a fantastic day.


Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Christmas Wish List

Clear and distinct ideas.
Freedom from necessitation.
Un beau conte de l'amour et la mort.
My heart's reasons that reason can't understand.
For you to throw your arms around my neck, and hold me tightly, into the ice age.
Goldenrod and the 4-H stone.
Gyges' ring.
The benefit of the clergy.
An escape from normalization.
A backyard mirror ball full of soul.
A feeling, which then grew into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word, and then that word grew louder and louder, until it was a battle cry...
To talk like I've got nothing to lose, and don't dance with nobody else
Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...
Ne pas avoir tort lorsque j'ai raison
A portrait from an engagement ring display
A Christmas Miracle.

Umm, so, guess the references? This is basically everything important from my life int he past 4 months, at least in terms of school and music and to some extent movies and even a little bit of social life, haha. Yayyy. I actually just want one thing for Christmas, but it's not anything anyone can get for me. I think I am going to get it, in the end, but certainly not in time for Christmas.

In case I don't post again before then... Merry Christmas everyone!

Saturday, 20 December 2008

I Feel So Gross

My body is just so thrown off.

The last few weeks of school sleep was pretty scarce. Then I came home on the 9th, a Tuesday. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights, I slept for 12, 11, and 10.5 hours, respectively. That brings us to a Friday night, when I only slept for 6 hours because a) I had a realization which led to a lot of worrying and b) my body is used to staying up all night on Fridays. Then, of course, I'm used to sleeping for 4-6 hours on Saturday and being ridiculously tired by Saturday night, so not having that threw me off some more. Sunday, I didn't eat anything until about 3 pm. Monday night, I only slept for five hours because I had a friend here. Tuesday, I ate an early lunch and didn't have dinner until almost 11 pm. Wednesday, I worked out for the first time in a month or so. Thursday, in the middle of the afternoon I felt like I was going to pass out, and then realized that I had not consumed any liquids that day. Friday, I ate ridiculous amounts of candy, had dinner around 10, and still, my body is in the habit of being up all night.

So basically, the reason my body isn't being very nice to me lately is because I haven't been very nice to it.

I really should get myself back on some sort of regular schedule so that I can potentially not feel like crap at some point in the near future. That would be nice.

A good start would be going to bed now. But... I want to go write the beginning of two or three blog posts so that I don't forget about them completely later, and I'm chatting with some people, and I want to revise my to do list to make it a little more realistic, and blah blah blah. I don't understand why I can spend all day doing nothing and then around 11 all of a sudden I have a bajillion things to do. It's ridiculous. RIDICULOUS.

Want want want.

Things going wrong in my life right now:

I've finally made a decision about shit in my life and am prepared to follow through. I just DON'T KNOW HOW. I really wish that I was less awkward. Or at least that I was awkward enough that I didn't care how awkward I was being. Maybe it's not awkward and I'm just making too big of a deal over it? Anyway. I just want this to work out well. Want want want.

Housing for next year - one roommate and I found the perfect place, but the other two are taking some convincing. I know that we probably seem silly for jumping at practically the first place we look at, but it really is pretty perfect. Like, really, actually. Want want want. I think they might be sorta kinda starting to come around to it? Hopefully we can convince them sooooon.

My brother might not make it home for Christmas. He's supposed to be coming home Sunday night, but there's a few massive storms moving into the area, and a whole bunch of flights are getting cancelled, and this close to Christmas, rescheduling propbably wouldn't go so well. This on its own is pretty sucky. Furthermore, he and I were going to get a joint gift for my parents, but he was going to deal with it because he knows about that kind of thing; I was just contributing money. But he wasn't going to pick it up until he got him, so if he doesn't come home, my parents have no gift. So I need to decide whether to get them something different or hope for him to come through. And since I'm going tomorrow to do the rest of my Christmas shopping... I need to decide by then. Agghhh.

Two of my marks still aren't online! So frustrating. So so so frustrating. I mean, yeahhh, I got the two I was most worried about already (did better than expected in both! I must be damn good at guessing for COMM 1010, and my Bentham paper must have been much better than I thought it was...) But still. I want these two as well. Want want want.

I'm supposed to be writing a play, and I'm not! I want want want more time and more motivation... sigh.

Things going right in my life right now:

I just hosted a Christmas party with my friends... I think it was a success. Everyone seemed fairly happy, anyway. I, for one, am pleased. :D

...yeah, that's really short, but it's actually good enough to make up for everything else. It's just easier to whine than to praise, I suppose. But trust me, I am a happy camper. Just an extraordinarily whiny one.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

It's been a bit of a long day.

I spent about an hour this morning typing up everything I could think of about the four flats we went to see yesterday and sending it to the rest of the roomies. After that, I spent about two hours going through all the pictures and videos we had and figuring out what they were and labeling them and figuring out how to send them and then sending them.

In between/after that stuff, I volunteered to host a Christmas party, and figured out all the logistics of it.

After that, I shoveled some snow, helped with some cleaning and stuff, and helped set up a room for my brother to stay in after he gets home this weekend.

After dinner, there was a gingerbread crisis, which led to some brainstorming with the fam, calling several grocery stores, some internet research, and then campaigning for volunteers. The crisis has almost been resolved, but not quite. Need one more volunteer... Have two contingency plans, though, so everything should work out decent at worst, good at best.

Tomorrow. Make gingerbread. Unless the crisis aversion plan doesn't work out, in which case either contingency plan 1 make a bunch of phone calls, or contingency plan 2 do nothing excpet maybe make some icing. Write a play. Clean the house. Sort out the last details of party-hosting. Hopefully have some sort of developments/progress on the housing situation.

Friday. Clean some more. Host a fantabulous Christmas party.

Friday, 12 December 2008

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

So another Christmas break has begun, and here I am at home again.

I'm having a really weird relationship with home this time around. I don't know.

For many reasons, I was very excited to come home for the holidays. I'm really hating living in residence this year. I'm sick and tired of school and was at the point where I just wanted to drop out and spend my life writing and reading and knitting and stuff. I feel like I need to step away from certain situations for a while and get my life sorted out. And I felt like it didn't really matter, because I wouldn't really miss my friends too much since I never see them anyway. I figured I'd miss the three people that I see often enough to count, and in return I get my friends at home AND my family AND my cat so obviously it's better to be here anyway, right?

But, as excited as I was to come home, in a strange way, I was kind of hoping that it wouldn't be that great. I was sort of hoping for a really disappointing holiday, so that maybe when January rolls around I'll actually be excited to go back; maybe I'll remember all of those things I love about being at school; maybe I'll appreciate it a little bit more and actually be happy to be there...

So far... I don't know. Well, the reasons I was excited to come home... yes, it's better than residence. It's QUIET, it's clean, I don't share my bathroom with gross people, I get to eat tasty tasty food; that part is definitely good.

And yeah, I don't have to do school work, but I'm not doing any of the things that I wanted to do either. I'm sleeping for upwards of 10 hours a night (no way is that healthy) and spending most of my days wasting time on the internet. I made a to do list with 24 things on it, and some of those have sublists. So far, I've accomplished 2 small things. Sigh.

As for the stepping away from certain situations... not helping there either, because they're IN MY HEAD. Or my heart, or something, but either way, putting actual physical distance between me and the other people involved is not making one bit of difference. Not one bit.

And the whole coming-home-to-more-people-than-I-was-leaving-behind thing... well, the day that I left, that was a really good day. I ate zero meals alone. I had a tea party with two new-found unexpected friends, and I saw nearly all of my friends before I left. And so far, I haven't seen anyone here, and I kind of realized how little I will probably actually see them, and well, my parents are lovely, but since they're at work all day I don't even see them that much so pretty much I've just got my cat.

Anyway, I guess I should probably just not worry about it. I'm spending most of today/tomorrow getting ready for the family Christmas party we're hosting tomorrow evening, and then maybe that will get me in the mood to be more motivated and productive on Sunday, and early next week I'm hopefully going back to the city (already, I know!) for the day to see some houses if everything works out... so maybe there'll be some improvement. I don't know.

At the very least, it's better than last year this time, when I came home to a house I had only lived in for about 3 weeks total. It is home now. Sure, I still don't know it well enough to not run into things when it's dark, and sure, my room is full of car parts at the moment, but I've come to not only accept but love those quirky little things. Like the fact that I'm currently using my brother's microphone stand as a hat rack because I have nowhere else to put stuff.

Monday, 8 December 2008

No Need to Say Goodbye

It's just been this kind of day.

The Call - Regina Spektor
(End of Prince Caspian)

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it, too
Doesn't means that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye


I think that being Peter and Susan at the end of Prince Caspian or Lucy and Edmund at the end of Dawn Treader would be pretty much the worst thing that could happen. When Aslan tells them that they can't go back to Narnia... I'm pretty sure my heart would break. That's the advantage of being a reader - C.S. Lewis never tells us we can't go back; all we have to do is pick up a book and there we are again...

But they do get to actually BE there. And they do go back in the end. They definitely get the better deal, overall.

I was one of those children who crawled into their wardrobe trying to get to Narnia... I wish it had worked and I could stay there forever...

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Sharing some Music Love

Monster Boots - Razorlight

I love this song because it's so fun and energetic. And singable. :)

Gotta Have You - The Weepies

There was about a week near the end of the summer where I just listened to this song on repeat over and over again. It's beautiful and emotional. If you haven't listened to The Weepies before, you should now.


Ice Age - Pete Yorn

I would have to say that this is my current favourite song, and has been for the past month or so. I love everything about it. Pete Yorn is also someone you should go listen to right now. (And please ignore the fact that the video is Grey's Anatomy, yuck, it was just the only decent quality version of the song on YouTube).


For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsalanti - Sufjan Stevens

I really love unique sound of this one - yes, even the horn section of yucky brass instruments.


Prelude from Cello Suite No. 1 - J. S. Bach

This is one of those pieces that I heard a lot and loved, but never knew what it was until a few weeks ago when we listened to it in class one day.


Samson - Regina Spektor

This song is so pretty, and yet powerful. And Regina Spektor is amazing.


Lady Bird - Samaha


If There's a Rocket Tie Me To It - Snow Patrol
Crack the Shutters - Snow Patrol

I'd forgotten how much I love Snow Patrol. I'm glad to have remembered. Both of these songs are beautiful.


What Katie Did - The Libertines

Another fun song. Ignore the Kate Moss pictures. It's not actually about her, it's about heroin.


Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers

The Killers are pretty hit and miss with me, I either really like or really hate most of their songs. This one, however, is a really like.

Saturday, 29 November 2008


Monsters are fascinating. There are so many mysteries about monsters. Where do they come from? Why are they what they are? What are they? Who are they?

The thing about monsters, the thing that makes them scary, is that they're always hiding. Monsters don't work respectable office jobs and take their kids to the park on weekends. You never see them on the bus, in the mall, or at the coffee shop. Nope, that's not how monsters work. Monsters are under your bed, in your closet, in the middle of a labyrinth, in caves, on mountains. Not places where people normally look. And that's the problem. You never know where a monster might be. You never know until you're too close to get away. And you can never quite get a good look at them either. Monsters are always in the dark...

Maybe that's what's wrong with monsters. They spend all their time alone in the dark. They just keep getting lonelier and lonelier and bitterer and bitterer... We only think they're mean, they just want some company.

Do monsters feel?

Tuesday, 25 November 2008

Due to excessive amounts of negativity today (mostly from myself, but a little from others), I'm going to bring you a lovely little edition of "I love so much."

I love:

-warm winter boots
-easiest birthday present shopping EVER
-shenanigans. lots of shenanigans. various and assorted kinds of shenanigans.
-jumping off buildings!
-group projects that actually somehow magically work themselves out with very little effort from anyone
-discovering new music
-How the Grinch Stole Christmas!
-Cramming too many people onto a bed and being very close and cuddly

That last one needs to happen now.

PS - Had a ridiculous weekend. Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime. When I've got more time/energy/brainpower.

Wednesday, 19 November 2008

Put the lights on the tree

Sooo, guess who's bad at updating?

If you guessed me, that was the right answer.

If you didn't guess me, that's okay. There's more than one right answer. Maybe yours was right too.

I have nothing particularly interesting or profound to say, so you're just getting a brief update on life.

-First snowfall! Technically yesterday, but really, that was more of a slushfall. Is there anywhere else in the world that slush just falls out of the sky? Because I have a feeling that it only happens in our province. Today there was real actual snow that stayed on the ground and everything. King's is so beautiful when covered in snow. I wish I had someone to go play in it with, though... Ah well. Snow has resulted in me indulging in hot chocolate and christmas music (of the Sufjan Stevens variety).

-The unfortunate thing about snow (and all the rain we've had in the past week) is that I don't own footwear that is both waterproof and comfortable. This situation desperately needs to be fixed. I may end up joining the brightly-coloured rainboot trend? We'll see.

-I'm really excited for Christmas break... 8 more days of class, 10 more days of not-class, and 1 day of exam = 19 days 'til I can go home. I really wish I wasn't so excited and that I could just be happy with being here, but I just can't right now. I think I just need to get away for a while and get my head back on right so that I can actually appreciate it when I get back.

-The weirdest thing about going home is that I'm not going to miss people over Christmas nearly as much this year, since I barely see them anyway. :S Reason number one why this year is so fail...

-Speaking of Christmas, eek, Christmas shopping, needs to happen, soon. Bah. If you're reading this, and you know what you want for Christmas, tell me. Haha.

-I am way behind on schoolwork, and I kind of don't care. I don't know. I just have zero motivation to do most of it. I was thinking about it today, and I think that it has something to do with the fact that I no longer have any sense of labour input/reward correlation. I always do my homework for my french courses. When I don't, I do badly. But when it comes to my EMSP reading? Bah, no motivation. Why? Because in FYP and in EMSP so far this year, I've found that no matter how hard or how little I work on a paper, I get a B. Sooo, why bother? As for Commerce, well, I worked really hard on the first assignment and got a 68%. Threw the second one together in about an hour and got a 75%. No feedback on either of them. Yayyy for arbitrary numbers. Bah. So I think that's probably where my problem is coming from. I just wish that, well, even if I can't motivate myself to do schoolwork, that I could at least waste time in productive ways. Instead I'm always all "Oh, I need to get work done, so I'll just check Facebook quickly and then I'll go do that" but then I end up wasting several hours on the internet, and it just generally results in a whole lot of negative feelings. So I guess I need to work on that.

-I have also been unnecessarily tired lately. I have issues with getting out of bed (and I'm a total morning person!) and I keep falling asleep. Not fun.

-I feel like I should get involved in something. I feel so apathetic and lazy and unconnected and gross. Besides, the busier I am with important things, the more likely I am to get them all done. I have wonderful time management skills when it comes to important things and other important things, but between important things and slacking off? Slacking off always wins! Gah. Anyway. I just wish there were anything that was actually interesting enough for me to want to be involved in it. Sigh.

Anyway, guess that's it. Hopefully updating again sooner than last time!


Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Bullet Point Update!

-I am soooo behind on school work. Bad scene. Very bad scene. So much reading. Sigh.

-LH is coming to visit this weekend!!! :D I'm very excited. <3

-My room is a huge mess. I don't think any room I've ever had has ever been this messy in my entire life. Ugh. I need to stop blogging and go clean shit. Seriously.

-I just finished writing a real actual post that involved like thought and stuff. You should be impressed. I decided not to actually publish it yet, because I wanted to get this brief life-update out of the way, so it'll probably be up tomorrow or Friday.

-It seems our neighbours to the south have a new president. In some ways, I can hardly believe that I'm writing about this, given that I spent most of last year very actively not caring about this election. I think, however, that a lot of my apathy stemmed from the fact that everyone around me cared way too much, and that once I stopped hearing about it for several hours a day, I actually become more interested. I didn't know nearly enough about it to really have an opinion, but I assume from the general reaction that things worked out well. And it was kind of neat from a "this will be a great moment in history" point of view. The only other thing I have to say, is that it made me actually quite sad at how many more people turned out at the Wardy to watch the American election than the Canadian one. I guess ours was more predictable and less exciting and stuff, but still. Still. It's your own country, people, take an interest!

-Uhh... other things that have happened recently? Oh, I went to the most awkward Halloween party ever. Not that it was horrible or not fun or anything, just... really awkward. There were a grand total of five us there; two high school best-friends that I hadn't seen in eight months or more, the fiancée of one of them, and the best friend of that one/boyfriend of the other, and myself. So there was this weird tension between the four of them being "we're best friends now and spend all our time together!" and then the three of us being "we were beset friends in high school and we've known each other forever!" And then when I left the party, the bus I was supposed to catch either never came or left early or the schedule was just wrong, or something, so I had to wait twenty minutes. It was late, and it was Halloween, and I was alone, and it was cold, and it was NOT FUN. Anyway, the bus finally came, and I got home, and then I got to work ovenight, which was also not fun. Halloween is a bad time to work. I'm just thankful that someone else cleaned up the puke so I didn't have to do it.

-I really wish I actually had time for doing stuff. Like, say, NaNoWriMo. It's been too long.

-Uhh, yeah, that's basically my life. I'm gonna go clean now.

Slow down.

A couple of days ago in my commerce class, the subject of the lecture was leadership. There have been several times in the past few months when something has happened in this class to make me think "I am way too much of an arts student to be here." Admittedly, sometimes these are just moments when I have no idea what's going on, but more often, it is because I simply disagree with the business world in general. What happened on this day was one of the latter.

Our prof told us that one of the absolute most important qualities of a leader is that they have to be thinking about the future ALL THE TIME.

I suppose that, strictly from a business point of view, that makes sense, because you have to have your company prepared for the future, blah blah blah whatever. My problem is, that this lecture wasn't just about business, it was about being a leader in all aspects of life, and that if we didn't follow these guidelines we would never be successful in life.

Seriously? If you're thinking about the future all the time, when do you get a chance to enjoy the present? What's the point in thinking about the future, if when it gets here you're too busy thinking about the future's future to even realize it? If that's what it takes to be a leader and "successful," then I don't really want to be one. That's not to say that I necessarily want to be a follower either; I just want to be.

I think that living in the present is one of the hardest things to do. Between worrying about the past and the future, we're barely aware of what's going on around us. I also think, however, that it's one of the most worthwhile pursuits. When I think of all the best moments of my life, they're the ones where I was simply living in and for the moment.

Despite being taught this lesson over and over again, though, I still don't do it. I don't generally have a problem with the past - yes, I have my nostalgic days (see the last post if you don't believe me :P), but in general, it's not on my mind that much. I think part of that is because I'm okay with my past, and because I'm very aware of the futility of regretting things that have already happen. No, my problem is with the future. Sometimes I'm worrying about the more distant future, at others I'm looking forward to the near future. I feel like the first one of these is a little more legit, but not much. The latter one, though, I'm not okay with. The reason I'm looking forward to it is because I'm not enjoying the present as much as I could be, but if I would stop thinking about it so much, I would probably enjoy right now a lot more. It seems silly, and so easily avoidable.

Like I said, this isn't the first time I've realized this. When I used to do yoga, we were supposed to clear our minds and focus on the moment. It was extremely difficult for me, but when I managed it, it was extremely fulfilling. And when I met my spirit guide, he told me two things. The first has become my mantra ("everything's going to be okay"), which has gotten me through a lot. But the second one, I hardly ever think of: Slow down.

And really, that's exactly what I need to do at this point in my life. Slow down. Because honestly? I'm in no rush to get anywhere anytime soon. I can wait. I've got my whole life ahead of me. I've just got to relax and enjoy what I've got at the moment.

Monday, 27 October 2008

Missing you like crazy, day two.

Have I mentioned, also, that no one calls me Mouse anymore, and even though as we never really that attached to it as a nickname, it's weird that everyone used to call me it, and now no one does?

Or that the FYPers handed in their Augustine essays this morning? And nothing reminds me more of RC than the Augustine essay... and us sitting in the Wardy, talking on MSN so that we could make fun of the people with us without them knowing, and then her dragging me to the Manning room so I would get off Facebook and do some work, and then she had a nap and KT threw the bible at her, and then she was "helping" me finish my essay by basically doing it for me?

Or that Formal Meal is this week, and it does nothing but remind me of that Formal Meal last year when I started crying for no reason, and she walked me back to my room and made sure I was okay?

Or that it's the exact kind of rainy day on which we used to go jumping in puddles (and sometimes hug everyone in the entire school afterwards) and then go have showers and change clothes and then get back together and watch some sort of lame movie?

Or that ALL of the sheet music she left in the piano bench is gone, and it broke my heart when I found out?

Yeah, okay, I'm being a huge sapface, but SERIOUSLY.

Sunday, 26 October 2008

Excuses, excuses...

So, I haven't been blogging because I've been writing in my journal. There's far too much going on in my life just now, and I can't write about any of it here because the wrong people read this blog.

And really? My journal is the only one I can tell my shit to these days. All of the people I normally talk to about stuff falls into one of four categories:

a) They're one of the people involved in my situations.
b) They're way too close to the people involved in my situations. Not that I don't trust them, but things do slip. Mostly, it's because they're too involved to be impartial.
c) They're too far from the people involved. As in, don't know them at all. Yes, I have friends I can tell all my problems too, but they're not HERE, they don't know the people I'm talking about, they simply can't grasp quite how delicate the situation is.
d) The one person who has the exact right distance from everything, although willing to listen forever, heavily supports one side of my being in two minds about things, and fails to acknowledge the other one a reasonable course of thought/action in any way.

So that's where I'm at with life.

Anyway. I do have a post in the works to put here soon. And by in the works, I mean I haven't actually written anything yet, but it's pretty much all there in my head. It's a sort of self-reflection on myself, the past two months (especially the past two weeks) and a comparison with last year this time. It will likely also include quotations from one of my two new true loves, Blaise Pascal. Be excited.

My other new true love, btw, is Pete Yorn. Go listen. Right now. Especially the songs Ice Age and EZ. And all the others. Basically.

Anyway. In the abscence of actually posting, I am doing other stuff. For one thing, writing this kind of sort of post. Also, I added a blog list. Apparently there are only actually 7 blogs I read which I consider share-worthy. Two of those I discovered today, haha. Anyway, the point is, I would have guessed it to be more than seven. Apparently not. Oh well. They're there anyway. On the left. They're pretty neat. You should go read them.

In other news, missing people is weird. There are simply so many different ways of missing people, and there seems to be neither rhyme nor reason to which people are missed in which ways. Some people I miss constantly, as a sort of dull ache, regardless of how often I see/talk to them (LH & MM, mainly). Some people get an occassional twinge of being missed every few days, when something reminds me of them (T., MW, OLS, for example). Others, I can not talk to for days at a time and be fine, but other days I can miss them when I've just talked to them a few hours ago (JH, JB, ES, TM, a few others). And then finally, there's people who I barely think of for a few weeks, and then spend a whole day doing nothing but missing them like crazy.

This last category is dominated by RC. In fact, she is the only person I can think of who fits that one. Today was one of those days. I missed her at breakfast, when there was no one to play piano with. I missed her at lunch, when no one called me pathetic for sitting by myself. I missed her at dinner, when there was sundae bar, and she wasn't there to eat cereal in her ice cream. I missed her when I had hiccups, and she didn't say "Mouse! Stop squeaking!" I missed her because it's FYP Sunday, and all the first years are talking about how much of their essays are done, and she isn't here to nonchalantly mention that she hasn't started yet. I sent her an e-mail, even though I didn't have anything to say. I've been listening to "Mad World" all day, because really, there aren't that many tangible things which remind of her, and this happens to be one of them. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow I'll remember how to live without her. I'm not sure I want to.

That's about it. The only other news in my life is that I'm excited like crazy for next year.

Monday, 20 October 2008

I am so self-centered.

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Everything is way too complicated. I don't even know how to go about starting to get my life sorted out. I'm just really frustrated with everything right now.

In other news? I've been meaning to write an actual post for a bajillion years now. Several actual posts, actually. But I was too busy to get to it, so none of those posts got written at the appropriate time, and I don't care enough about any of them any more to write a post so far after the fact. I'll probably write something real sometime soonish, hopefully.

Saturday, 11 October 2008

I Love So Much

Things that I love today:

-Electric blankets
-Sleeping in (but not too much!)
-Non-scuzzy showers
-Not being in the city. As in, I can see trees. Lots of trees. And... they're all fall-coloured! Which is perfect.
-Fall decorations in my house. :)
-Sunshine, ocean, wind, clouds
-Bickering. And arguing. And quarreling. And squabbling. And then some more bickering.
-Picking on friends
-Secretly laughing at clueless boys
-Group photos
-Having a whole floor of a restaurant to yourself
-Stealing french fries
-Taking (not-so-)sneaky pictures of people while they're eating
-"Oom bop" dance parties (in funmobiles, of course)
-Fondue! <3
-My cat
-NASCAR announcers who accidentally say "breast awareness month" instead of "breast cancer awareness month"
-Planning visits to LH!!! <3<3<3 Just a little bit excited... okay maybe a lot :D

Friday, 10 October 2008

I hate that I always want to write here when I'm sad. Things are actually mostly good right now, but the bads are so much more tempting to write about.

Oh well. I guess I'll just say nothing, then, because I don't want to my blog to make me sound like a huge emo-face.

Thursday, 9 October 2008

I wish...

I wish any of my friends were the kind of people I could just call up and chat with for no other reason than because I'm bored and lonely.

I wish I didn't have so many problems to fix. Or that I at least knew how to fix them. Or, in some cases, that there was any solution.

I wish there weren't so many days that the best thing that happens is crossing the previous day off my calendar.

I wish a 'good week' wasn't defined as one where I only cried once or twice.

I wish LH was going home for Thanksgiving, so that there could be someone for me to look forward to seeing other than my cat.

I wish I had any sort of ambition to get my schoolwork done sooner and better and stop getting such bad marks.

I wish that a lot of the things that changed had stayed the same, and that a lot of the things that stayed the same had changed.

I wish people were okay with themselves, because I think that would make everything better.

I wish I was still okay myself today the way I was yesterday. Or this morning.

I wish it were last year.

I wish it were next year.

I wish this post wasn't so whiny.

I wish wishing weren't so useless.

Tuesday, 30 September 2008

Love and happiness.

I have not seen a single person all day who looked as though they were even a little bit happy.

That kills me. That absolutely kills me.

I wish the world could be a happier place.

In light of this, I am filling this blog with love today, because the right quantity of a certain type of love generally leads to happiness.

I read this post today, and I love it. I think I'm going to start playing this game in my life, because concentrating on the things you love is SO MUCH BETTER than the things you hate.

Also, I am finally going to get around to this love meme that I saw FOREVER ago over at Michelle & the City.

The rules: Make your own list of things you love. The only catch? You can't include a single person you know on your list. No "I love the way my husband laughs" or "I love hearing my little girl call for me." It'll be tough, I know. But this particular little exercise is about stripping away everyone who defines you and figuring out what you (not your partner; not your mother/daughter/sister/friend) love.

I love to laugh. I love to cry, but not too much. I love music. I love making music, I love listening to music, I love discovering new music. I love listening to music in the car a little too loud and singing along when no one's with me. I love having sing-alongs. I love roadtrips!

I love sleep. I love naps. I love mornings, and I really love breakfast. I love brushing my teeth! Yay dental health. I love long hot showers. I love cuddling up in a blanket. I love hot chocolate and tea. I love being inside on rainy days, especially in the trailer, or at home with the skylight. I love dancing in the rain and jumping in puddles. I love the first snow of the winter, I love snow on Christmas, I love playing in the snow. I love Christmas - I love Christmas music, Christmas decorations, Christmas food, and Christmas activities.

I LOVE fall. I love leaves, I love pumpkins, I love scarecrows and Halloween and Thanksgiving. I love the smell of fall. I love forests and trees and fairy hunts and adventures. I love birds and I love flowers.

I love cute shoes and fun hats. I love new haircuts, and I love looking good. I also love cozy hoodies and old jeans. I love my teddy bear! I love my cat, a lot. I love giraffes. I love reading wikipedia articles about random things like 19th century circus freaks. I love reading - I love books! I love bookstores, especially used books. I love learning new things, and I loved being challenged, but not too much.

I love number puzzles and math. I love objects with memories and sentimental value. I love to make myself sad by reading old e-mails and Facebook messages. I love getting mail. I love words. I love learning new words. I love the feeling of accomplishment. I love learning things in a foreign language.

I love the smell and feeling of freshly washed laundry. I love swimming, especially in lakes and oceans. I love the feeling of sand on my feet. I love sunsets, sunrises, and stargazing. I love listening to the ocean. I love thunderstorms near the ocean. I love CAMPFIRES! I love the random conversations that come up during campfires and stargazing, and how they are always inherently more meaningful than regular conversations.

I love warm weather and walking barefoot in the grass. I love bubbles and sidewalk chalk. I love spontaneous dance parties, and dancing like a fool. I love pictures - taking them and being in them and putting them on Facebook and commenting on them. I love chocolate covered peanuts. I love laughing at things other people don't find funny. I love awkward silences, provided they're not too awkward, and I love making lame jokes.

I love my job and I love my university. I love TV marathons, especially of Prison Break. I love falling asleep during movies. I love finding new blogs to read. I love PostSecret. I love blogging. I love writing. I love people-watching. I love smiling at strangers. I love feeling happy. I love so much more than this list contains, but that's it for now. I love love.

If anyone should happen to read this... tell me, what do you love? It doesn't have to be an extensive list, but leave a comment, share the love!

Saturday, 20 September 2008

5 a.m. is a lovely time to be alive!

Okay, a real post. Here's the lowdown on what's been going on since I got back:

Frosh Week. Really sucked. I was expecting it to be good, but then it wasn't. This is probably in part due to the fact that instead of being in a group with two friends, I was in a group with two people I barely knew. Also in part because I forgot that when you're a frosh, you want to become friends with other frosh, not with the leaders. It was a pretty bad week for me.

My room is pretty sweet. I am enjoying it a lot. I have so much space! Also, a couch. I def. love me couch, it's so cozy! And it folds out into a bed, which means that now I can force LH to come visit me. Bwahaha!

Still being in res definitely sucks, though. There's a huge divide between first-years and upper-years. And with the other upper-years, they've all already got their little groups of friends, and trying to force my way into one is a bit of a slow process. I'm getting there, though.

I feel like everything is kind of falling apart lately. With the King's friends, everyone is just growing apart... I never see anyone anymore, half the time half the people half-hate everyone else, some people are moving on to spend more time with other people... I guess that's just life, though. The state of my art roomies is somewhat more distressing to me, though. There's a huge difference between growing apart with people you've only been friends with for a year, and people you've been friends with for 4-7 years. Things are going well with the other group, though - after our amazing summer together, I don't think we'll be falling apart too soon. :)

Also, we're getting a house together next year. Well, very likely, anyway. I am pretty seriously stoked. So is LH, it's, like, all we talk about anymore. But it's going to be awwwwwesome!

Classes are good. I absolutely love French Lit, and Theories of Punishment is also pretty sweet. Structures of the Modern Self is pretty good, definitely better than I was expecting from that prof, anyway. Intensive Grammar is about as exciting as it sounds, and Business in a Global Context is pretty intense - a little overwhelming at the moment, but I'm hoping to get it under control soon.

I love my job. It is pretty seriously awesome. Incredibly easy, for one thing, with lots of down time for homework/watching Prison Break/blogging. Also, it's definitely a job which induces feelings of importance, and hey, who doesn't like feeling important? I know I do. And occasionally we do awesome things like running around on the desks and flashing the flashlight into rooms with parties.

Umm... yeah. I guess that's it-ish. Werd.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

"Seigneurs, vous plaît-il d'entendre un beau conte d'amour et de mort? C'est de Tristan et d'Iseut la reine. Éecoutez comment à grand'joie, à grand deuil il s'aimèrent, puis en moururent un même jour, lui par elle, elle par lui."(Le Roman de Tristan et Iseut)

French is so beautiful. Also, French music? Yup, in love with it. And French lit? Yup, love that too. Le Roman de Tristan et Iseut? Yeah, very much in love with that. And seriously wishing I could write a whole essay on it instead of a sutpid forty word paragraph. Seriously, forty words? Gah. I would actually LOVE to write an essay on this book. Frig.

Anyway. I don't have anything much to say for myself, so I am bombarding you with quotations and song lyrics. Sometime in the next week or so I will probably start getting some real posts up, now that life is starting to calm down a bit.

"Iseut est reine est semble vivre en joie. Iseut est reine et vit en tristesse." (Le Roman de Tristan et Iseut)

From The Essays: A Selection, Michel de Montaigne:

"I study myself more than any other subject. That is my metaphysics; that is my physics."

"You are not dying because you are ill: you are dying because you are alive."

"When I dance, I dance. When I sleep, I sleep; and when I am strolling alone through a beautiful orchard, although part of the time my thoughts are occupied by other things, for part of the time too I bring them back to the walk, to the orchard, to the delight in being alone there, and to me."

"A fine thing to get up on stilts: for even on stilts we must ever walk with our legs! And upon the highest throne in the world, we are seated, still upon our arses."

Song lyrics from The Weepies:

What can I compare you to, when everything looks like you?
(Take it From Me)

No amount of coffee, no amount of crying
No amount of whiskey, no amount of wine
No no no no no, nothing else will do
I've gotta have you, I've gotta have you
(Gotta Have You)

I know that you think you're not good for anything
The world makes you feel so small
(Citywide Rodeo)

Are your friends really your friends?
Are you still waiting for the end of the day?
Riga girls go like this
Make me wish I was someone else
Oh, Riga girls, are you sad?
Oh, I wish I had someone
It takes so little charm to keep you hanging on
But it's a facade like the sky, like the moon, like your eyes
Does your heart echo like a hall
'Cause there's no one there at all?
(Riga Girls)

Every day it starts again
You cannot say if you're happy
You keep trying to be
Try harder, maybe this is not your year.

Movies, TV screens reflect just what you expected
There's a world of shiny people somewhere else
Out there following their bliss
Living easy, getting kissed
While you wonder what else you're doing wrong
(Not Your Year)

You look darkly on the day
With memories to light your way
A little sad but it's all right
We are always living in twilight

No one knocks upon your door
Until you don't care anymore
A little alone but it's all right
We are always living in twilight
(Living in Twilight)

Seriously, go listen to The Weepies, because they are amazing. <3.

And some Tori Amos to end this off:

If you love enough, you'll lie a lot
Guess they did in Camelot
(Jackie's Strength)

And this has been another edition of random things that have been going through my head recently. Enjoy.

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

I just had a FYPiphany!!!

Immediately afterwards, I coined the term FYPiphany. I'm almost more pleased with that then I am with the actual FYPiphany.

So, yeah, I'm busy contemplating the relation between Darwin and Descartes, because somehow the whole "inherent perfection" thing didn't hit me until just now, so I'm just a little shell-shocked as I try to figure out what this means.

Okay, so maybe I didn't get to the actual FYPiphany yet. But I know that one's coming, it's just a matter of figuring out what it is. I think realizing that there's a FYPiphany to be had hits a lot harder than when you finally figure out what it means.

Also, I'm frustrated because I can't remember which Neoplatonist it was that said that philosophy and theology are the same, except that philosophy uses language and theology uses symbols. I was just skimming through my notes, but I couldn't find it, and I don't have the ambition at the moment to actually read through all of my Neoplatonist notes.

I think, maybe, that sometime, in the next few years, I'm going to figure out religion.


Saturday, 16 August 2008

I don't read the script, the script reads me.

Tropic Thunder... was weird. I liked the concept of the movie. I don't think I actually liked the movie.

I was driving home, listening to Great Big Sea, and I realized how much I miss having the random sing-along-to-GBS parties in my room.

I cannot believe that summer is almost over!

I think this might actually have been the best summer of my life. I'm not even kidding.

I feel like Final Countdown is haunting me... it's actually quite bizzare how many people have referenced it and how many random places I've heard it playing in the past week. If I were one to believe in fate and signs and stuff (which I may or may not be, who knows?), I might take this as one. Or it could just be a weird coincidence.

I had the weirdest dream the other night... All sorts of crazy shit happened, but the weirdest part was the people... in one part of the dream, there would be someone I know, and then in another part it would be a character from Making Love, and in some other part it would just be a random dream person - but they were all the same person, somehow. And then there were other people, who were people I know, but... they weren't.

I kind of feel like that's how life is right now... people are just getting all confused, I know them but I don't know them, they're them but they're someone else, they're part of my life but they're not. I don't know.

Emotions are weird.

Speaking of which, I think I'm starting to fall for Making Love. The theory is just so easy to believe... it's all made up, it's all a lie! Maybe it's only believable because, in a weird sort of way, I want to believe it? "Love is the most subtle and insidious assault on free will known to man."

Two of the points in this post contradict each other. I'm not sure what to make of that. I think that's where a third of the above points comes in.

Have I mentioned lately that this week has been insane? I've just felt like I was going in a million directions all at once. I will be very glad to not have to go to work tomorrow morning.

Well, I guess it's this morning now, isn't it.

I wish Canada would man up and win something.

I think I might be going crazy. I keep thinking I see things out of the corners of my eyes, but when I turn to look, there's nothing there. Whenever I'm alone, I have random fits of laughter or crying. I swear, I'm losing it.

Bat shit insane.

Wednesday, 13 August 2008

Uhh, I feel like I should be writing in this more often. I don't know, I'm just so busy... working. And... seeing friends. And... making plans to see friends. And... playing Travian. And... reading Making Love. And... not wanting to go back to school.

Yeah. Important stuff like that.

I keep telling myself that I'll have more time once I get back to school, but I definitely remember being in school in April and wiating for summer, when I would have more time.


Is there ever enough time? How much time is enough? Maybe we have the exact right amount of time, but we just don't choose to use it properly... Does time even exist? Or is it all a construct?

Okay, I'm not going to ramble about time. I promise.

Monday, 4 August 2008

The Summer of Strange Books

I think this could, quite appropriately, be called "The Summer of Strange Books." Especially the past few weeks. It started with The Comfort of Strangers by Ian McEwan, which was just plain weird. I probably would have stopped partway through, but it was very well-written, because I had to know what happened... and besides, it was only 100 pages. The next Ian McEwan that mom had out from the library, Amsterdam, sounded mor promising, so I picked that up. Weird, but in a completely different sort of way. An odd little book. Enjoyable, but just a strange ending. Perfect though - there was no other way for it to end. I guess that's kind of the point.

After that I moved on to the books I picked up from the $2 table. I started with Give Me by Irina Denezhkina. I have to say, it wasn't quite as good as I was expecting. For one thing, there were way too many characters crammed in for a short story, and, especially as the names were all Russian, it was nearly impossible to keep them all straight. Some of the stories, though, were very good (Songs for Lovers), others seemed rather pointless (Valerochka), and others were just strange (Vasya and the Green Men; Postscript). I think, though, that overall, I enjoyed it. It might be one I have to reread once I've had time to let my brain process it a bit.

Then I tackled Child of My Heart by Alice McDermott. It was a very touching book; although it didn't quite make me cry, the last few hours that I was reading it, there was a lump in my throat the whole time. I love how all of the seemingly abstract bits do fit together once you reach the end. The effect as a whole was incredible. It left me feeling sort of... haunted. I loved it.

So now I'm on to Making Love: A Conspiracy of the Heart by Marius Brill. Although I'm not that far into it yet, I can tell that it's going to be strange, too.

Monday, 28 July 2008

Worry wart

I spent the weekend with a bunch of my university friends up in Halifax. It was a great time; I got to spend time with some of my favourite people, and do some of my favourite things (going to market, and going out for breakfast), as well as going to the Pride Parade, which was great.

However, the weekend was a little bit double-sided. Although I had a great time, I also had a terrible time, in some ways. Two nights of bad sleep, a bad sunburn, and have had awful shin splints for the past two days from the eight hours of walking I did on Saturday. And likewise, while the weekend calmed one of my worries about next year, it also caused a new one.

The worry that I've been having for a while now, is that my friends are going to abandon me next year. I'm the only one staying in res, which means that I'm going to be all alone anyway. So it mostly started off as a worry that things are going to be different, and I wouldn't see everyone as often. But then I found out that, in addition to most of my friends having a house together, two of my other friends are very likely going to be moving in either downstairs from or next door to them. That was what really caused a panic for me. Somehow, when we were all more separated, it was okay, because we'd have to have group get-togethers. But now, basically everyone is going to be practically living together, except for me. I had these terrible visions of them all h aving a grand old time and lots of shenanigans in their big fun house together, and why would they bother about little old me when they've got everyone else they need RIGHT THERE? Okay, maybe a little of this is just insane amounts of jealousy. But still, there's no possible way that I won't feel left out about this. Anyway. I had myself really upset over everything, but after the weekend, I'm feeling a lot better about it. I love those guys, and they love me. They will never purposefully let me be left out. (...I think.)

Anyway. The other worry that has recently developed is more about myself. This summer, being back with my high school friends, and having all sorts of exciting, interesting fun, has really got me thinking. I like this. I like having adventures and road trips and just hanging out and being myself, and I like that we don't have to drink to have fun. And then I got back up with these friends, and started talking about the awesome parties we're going to have, and despite myself, I was excited. And that was when I realized, that I kind of hate the person I am at university. I hate partying, I hate that drinking = fun and fun = drinking, I hate that I meet more people when I'm drunk, I hate that I find it hard to talk to people when I'm sober, I hate all the over-emotional drama that goes on, I just hate all of it. But it's so fun. I don't want to be that person I hate, but I still want to have the fun. Frig.

On top of that, I'm also having major worries about money. But I've already given myself a headache and stomach ache over that tonight, and I think that getting into it anymore would just make it worse.

But, I'm being positive. Really. Everything will be okay, everything will be okay...

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

Questions, Books, and Batman

Questions to explore:

1) How does a hero become a hero?

2) What happens when a pair of lovers have a conflict in their notions of love?

3) Each side is fighting for no other reason than not to lose. Can there be a winner?

These were meant to be for the novel I will be writing, but I think they might also be fore life in general. I definitely meant to be working on that novel right now, too... but I decided to blog about it instead.

Also, I bought books. I didn't mean to! I was meeting up with friends to go see Dark Knight (OH MAN. More on that in a minute), and I got there early because I went straight from work, so I wandered down to the mall to waste some time. I was like "Oh boy! I can totally go to Coles! But I'll be good, I won't buy anything. I'll just have a look around and if I see anything good, I'll remember to find it at the library." Then I actually got there... and there was a $2 table. So the little voice in my brain says "Weeeelllllll, you promised you wouldn't buy anything before you knew there was a $2 table... OHMANTHERE'STOTALLYA$2TABLE!!!" and that was the end of that. Luckily, most of what was there was bad mystery and romance, which doesn't appeal to me anyway. I did pick up three things, though: Making Love: A Conspiracy of the Heart by Marius Brill, Give Me (Songs for Lovers) by Irina Denezhkina, and Child of my Heart by Alice McDermott. I'm rather excited about all of them, actually.

Okay, Batman. It was one of those movies that, looking back on it, I loved it and think it was great. But while I was watching it, I was like "Ahh! This movie is disturbing and creepy! I'm going to cover my face while Heath Ledger sticks knives in peoples' mouths." (Okay, by "one of those movies" I mean, uh, this one, and Pan's Labyrinth. Except minus the Heath Ledger sticking knives in peoples' mouths part for Pan's, obviously. I guess I just have a problem with movies where peoples' mouths get cut?)

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is... wow. In a way, the disturbing is what made it so brilliant. It reached inside and grabbed at some of the deepest emotions and fears that anyone can have. It was terrifying, it was gut-wrenching, and it was incredible.

...I meant to write something more intelligible about this; about the psychological fears, about how the whole choosing between murdering one person and having a hospital blown up kind of reminded me of the whole Khadr situation, and what the heck is up with the world anyway... but, I don't know, I just can't pull together the energy to make them come out right. So, please, just imagine that I said something highly intelligent on the above subjects, okay?

In conclusion, I'm pretty sure I have a huge crush on Batman/Bruce Wayne/Christian Bale. Deal with it.

Sunday, 20 July 2008

Sorry for the long hiatus.

I'm back. Really. See, look? I'm right here.

I really don't have much of an excuse for the long break. Well, okay, excuses, I have plenty, reasons? Not so much. I was too depressed for a while, then too lazy, and lately, too busy/happy.

Things are going well, I don't know, I just don't have anything to write about. I was backwoods camping with friends, and went to the drive-in, and, I don't know, have a few other interesting things going on, but I just don't really feel like writing about any of that. I don't even have any angst to go on about. I only have one small piece of angst, but it's not internetable.

Anyway, I don't know. I just don't have anything interesting to say. I'll try to come up with something soon, and if not, then at least keep up with minor updates until something works itself out.

Wednesday, 25 June 2008

Fairy Day (For Reals, This Time)

Fairy Day. The holiday that I discovered two days before it happened. It was founded by Jessica Galbreth, a fairy artist. In her own words,

This holiday is for everyone who believes in the magic of fairytales. It is for
those imaginative souls who dare to dream impossible dreams. It is for the
children of the world, wide eyed and open to the magic that surrounds them. It
is for adults too, who long to capture a bit of that magic they remember from
their own childhood.

And, as her fellow artist, Jacqueline Collen-Tarrolly, goes on to explain,

Fairy Day is a time for all of us, fairy kissed or no, to honor and delight in the fanciful, the mystical, the ethereal in our lives. Throughout man’s history, Midsummers Day has been known as a time to revel in the magic of nature. It is one of the few "in between" times, when the veil is drawn thinnest and crossing between the worlds is at it’s easiest. This day, the longest of the year is known for odd things happening to unwitting mortals, victims of the fairies playful games. It is at this time that fairies may be seen, dancing round rings, or that mortals with the desire and a pure heart may meet a fae out walking in the woods.

Fairies have always held sort of a special place in my heart. I can remember watching Fairy Tale: A True Story as a young girl. It's a lovely movie, (loosely) based on the true story of the Cottingley fairies. It caught at my heart and my imagination, and remains one of my favourite movies to this day, despite having only seen it a few times. I especially love the movie's tagline: "Believe." Simple, but perfect - one of my favourite messages to the world. Just believe.

About a year ago, at a friend's party, the four of us who were there decided to go out on a fiary hunt. This mostly consisted of dressing up in colourful, flowing pieces of fabric, putting on fanciful make-up, and heading out into the woods with our fairy nets. Now, this activity may have stemmed from it being a lovely evening and us being somewhat tipsy and feeling adventurous, but there was no doubt in my mind that we had about as good a chance of cathcing a fairy that night as we did catching a butterfly. It was just a matter of looking.

Now, I'm sure some of you out there are asking "How could you possibly believe in fairies?" My response to that is "How could you possibly NOT believe in fairies?" I challenge anyone to try and prove otherwise. I can guarantee you can't do it. It seem clear to me, that there is nothing more logical than the existence of fairies. Can you imagine a world where there were, absolutely, postively, completely and totally proven, without doubt, NO FAIRIES WHATWOEVER? No. See. So they must exist. They must.

So, here's my (slightly belated) bit of Fairy Day celebration. I'm considering building a "fairy altar" in my res room next year. I'm already thinking of things that I have or could easily acquire which will work well in it.

Also, while I'm at it, anyone who would like a good fairy read should be sure to check out The Faery Reel: Tales From the Twilight Realm. I read it about a year ago, and loved it incredibly much. It's a collection of short stories but some excellent authors, such as Neil Gaiman, and one of my absolute favourite authors, Patricia A. McKillip (Although as I recall, her story in this particular collection was less than stellar, her other stuff is really good. Seriously, check is out, she's amazing! Winter Rose, Song for the Basilisk, and The Tower at Stony Wood are the ones I've read. They're all excellent, go read them now!)

Yay, fairies!

Monday, 23 June 2008

Happy Fairy Day!

[Important but completely unrelated side note: I had a surge of ambition last night, and the new layout got done much sooner than expected. Yay! I'm quite pleased with it.]

Umm... there was going to be more to this post, but then I got caught up with eating and cleaning and exercising and showering, and now I have to go to bed before work tomorrow. So, even though Fairy Day was today, I guess I won't be talking about it until tomorrow. Unfortunately.

Sunday, 22 June 2008

Happy Blogiversary!

It's hard to believe that it's been a whole year since I first started this blog. In some ways, it seems like it was just yesterday, but at the same time, it feels like I've been writing here forever.

It's been a strange year. A long year, a complicated year, and at times a very hard year, but overall, a very good one. I think tha all of this, to varying degrees, was represented here.

Other things that were represented here include a whole lot of bad writing. And hey, you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm not proud of it, but I'm okay with it. In the midst of a lot of bad writing, there will always be a few gems, and I think that yeah, actually, there were a few posts on here that were pretty good. And most importantly, I feel as though I'm improving.

Other than perhaps the quality of writing, though, there have not been a lot of changes here in the past year. The only major one was the institution of post labels. I have plans to change this trend, though, and make a few changes around here soon, perhaps including such things as :

  • A new layout. Yeah, so this one fits with the whole "at night" part of the blog, but really? It's too dreary and gloomy! I feel like I need something a little more fun and unique and quirky and ME.
  • I was considering changing the name of the blog, but I've decided against that. I think, however, that it's high time I wrote a post explaining why the heck I chose this name.
  • Some sort of blogroll/link list type thing. I have quite enough things to put on it.
  • Who knows what else might come up?

Happy Birthday, my little blog.

Saturday, 21 June 2008

Major Happenings in the Past Week

We had our dog put down last Saturday. That was a terribly rough time for all of us. I mean, it was probably what was best for her, she was getting to be very old and sore and sick, but that doesn't really make it any easier. She is sorely missed.

A while later, I went out with mom to some plant sales. Not terribly exciting. I don't know, I enjoy looking at other people's beautiful gardens, but I have absolutely no interest in doing it myself. Anyway, the important part of this story is the beach that we discovered along the way. We didn't go down on it or anything, but from the road, you could see that it was a) sandy and b) shallow, which means that even though it's ocean, it should get WARM. I'm so stoked to try it out in another few weeks. :)

I also delivered furniture to some friends in Halifax. Delivering furniture, not so terribly exciting, but seeing friends, very lovely. I'll have to try to go up for a real visit sometime soon.

Went to last Saturday's weekly get-together. Another yucky day, so we stayed inside and played board games, again. Whatever, still fun.

Played clarinet for the first time in weeks - oh man, my face makes me sad. 15 minutes before my lips were shot. *sigh* Must play more often...

Wrote a letter to LH. Oh man, I miss her so much. I haven't seen her since Christmas, and haven't talked to her since then end of April. It's so weird, because she's my "go-to" person, the one that I talk to about everything, and now, all of a sudden, I can't talk to her. So I have no one to tell about how AM's being a DUMBFACE and I just want to kick her in her big dumb face. Gah.

Speaking of things I miss: King's. But there's a whole other post to be written about that (so expect it sometime in the relatively near future).

At work, I've finally finished palletization, so next week I start getting trained to do... something else. I'm not quite sure. Something to do with inventory.

I've started doing some character development for the story I was talking about in some post way back in May. (I would go find it, but I'm lazy. So, take that.) I'm feeling good about it, but need to put more time into it. I'm considering, once I've got my characters fleshed out some more and figured out some other things, doing a sort of NaNoWriYe. Not the crazy 50 000 word/month one that some people do, no way, one month of that is more than enough, but maybe 20 or 25 000 in a month until it's done, and then edit for the rest of the year, and see where that gets me. I've also been considering trying to get some short stories published - either in magazines or maybe online or something. I just still feel like I'm wasting my time, and I'm finally ready to do something about it.

Went out last night with friends to see Get Smart. It was actually very enjoyable, even if we were too young to know the show. Quite amusing.

This evening, those same friends are coming over. That's right, it's finally my turn to host the weekly get-together! It was supposed to be nice, so I was hoping to be able to do outside things, but now they're calling for thundershowers, so I guess it will be more boardgames. Maybe I should hook up the nintendo, or something...

And finally, tomorrow I will be celebrating my first blogiversary! But, more on that then.

Thursday, 12 June 2008

Memorials Again.

I know I've already written about the philosophy of memorials here, and I'm not sure I ever really resolved the question for myself. However, no matter how I feel about memorials, I have one of my own to write today.

A few days ago, I was saddened, and surprised, to hear that my grade 5/6 teacher had died. Maybe I shouldn't have been surprised, I did know that he had cancer, but last I knew, he was doing well; I hadn't heard that he was ill again. And saddened, even though I haven't seen or spoken to him in seven years. For most people, I suppose, hearing of the death of an elementary school teacher would elicit the immediate, required flicker of, I don't know, not sadness per se, but perhaps sympathy? And maybe a few reminiscences. Not so, here. This particular teacher was one of the most influential people in my life.

He led by example, and taught many of life's most important lessons to the students who passed through his classroom over the years. I don't know of anyone who doesn't remember him fondly, who can't talk about something they learned from him, who isn't sad to know he's gone. He was that kind of person. Some of the most important lessons I learned from him include courage, balance, and creativity.

Courage was a lesson taught in many ways. I was always a shy child, and, let's face it, I still am today, but not in the same way. I used to be shy because I was SCARED. And feeling scared made me think I wasn't as good as other people, who were braver and outspoken. These days, shyness is just a defense, because I don't like to open up to people too quickly; I like to be around people for a while and get to know them without showing too much of myself at first, before I feel ready to open up to them. Maybe it is still a kind of fear, but it's a much different, much better kind. I have the ability to stand up and say "Hey! This is me!", I just normally choose not to. This is a transformation that began during the two years I was in that class. We were always encouraged to do our best, of course, and for me, this sometimes meant stepping out of my shell. I was often unwilling, but occasionally, I would go for it - and when this lead to success, I began to see that my fears were somewhat unfounded. It started with small things, and I've been growing ever since. One day, the class was playing softball, and I caught out the best batter in the class - barehanded. Or there was the day we were playing basketball, and I jumped to block one of the best players from shooting - and succeeded! I remember those two moments as some of my most confident ones until I hit high school.

He also taught us some important things about balance, learning from all parts of life, and freedom to follow our own interests. In addition to the regular learning on the syllabus for a grade 5/6 class, we did oh so many other things. Extra time for sports over and above regular gym classes (basketball in winter, softball in fall and spring) and extra French lessons were just the beginning. During our unit on the life cycles of fish, we raised salmon from eggs, and when they were old enough, we released them into the wild. We took multiple field trips throughout the year to go hiking on the local beach. A three-day class trip to a camp several hours away, where we visited several historical sites and a university. And, for the first time, having freedom to make our own decisions about our education. We did a unit on birds, which had a final project. The project was to produce a written report of some kind on any bird we wanted to. When we did book reports, we were given a list of a bajillion different projects we could do - some dealt with characters, others with plot, some with theme; some were artistic, others were creative writing, and of course others were pur analysis. It included everything from building a diorama of a scene to writing a new ending to doing a character study. Each activity had a different points value, and the only rules were that we had to do enough points to add up to 100 for each book, and we couldn't do the same project twice in a year. I LOVED book reports.

And that last point really leads on to the next one - creativity. The best example I can think of for how to demonstrate this is the "newspaper unit" that we did. The things he came up with to teach with a simple newspaper! There was the basic "read a story and answer these questions." We used them to learn how to write stories, and we learned about means of communication. And we used them to learn about architechture. We were put into groups to build small houses out of the newspapers. And this, in turn, led to lessons in theatre - each group also put on a play with their house and other newspaper-made props. But, most importantly for me, he was the first person to encourage me in the area of writing. Which definitelly has had a huge effect on my life and me as a person.

Although those are the lessons and values which I have gained the most from, there were, of course, many others. Respect, kindness, fairness, equality, patience - the list goes on. In the little bits of himself that he passed on to every student he taught, everyone he helped in his volunteer work in Dominica, and many, many others, he lives on. Despite being gone, he is, truly, still here with us. So Rest In Peace - you deserve it.

Monday, 2 June 2008

Things I'm Considering

Or, something along these lines. I'm not going to be paying the $50+ that these shoes cost, but I would look for an approximate facsimile in a cheaper version.


(The middle one)
(The middle one)

(The left or the middle)

(The left one)

Sunday, 25 May 2008

Burning Party

The burning party managed to be a go last night. It was still rainy at first, so we stayed in and played board games. It cleared up before dark, so we decided to go out and give it a try. We eventually managed to get the wet wood to burn (Girls' firestarting skills are far supperior to boys' firestarting skills. Just sayin'.) We sat around the fire and bickered for a good long while (I'd forgotten how much we can bicker, at times. Especially JH and T. Oh dear.). Eventually cooked a few s'mores. And then, inevitably, there were the fireworks. Sixty dollars worth of them. Not hard to tell that T. has been living in silly Ottawa and been deprived of fireworks all year. Anyway, it was a very typically us evening, and it was lovely. It kind of felt like everything was just like it had always been, and we'd never been apart at all. Except for the utter lack of LH. I must remember to write to her...

Saturday, 24 May 2008

Prince Caspian

A few nights ago, I went to see Prince Caspian with some friends (Okay, okay, it was on Tuesday and I'm slow at posting, I'll admit it). I was excited for this movie. Really excited. The first time I saw a trailer for it was at some movie I went to see with my parents, I think National Treasure 2 in December. I saw it, and I quivered with excitement. That is not an exaggeration.

So I went in with high expectation, but knowing that really, I wasn't going to be disappointed, because it's Narnia, and you would have to screw it up pretty bad for me to not like it. And of course, I was right. Okay, so some stuff happened in a different order. That's alright, it's just because they don't have time to show everything, and it's easier this way, and besides, things that work well in books don't always work well in movies, so it makes sense to do it this way. And yeah, they made it so that a few things that the book characters talked about doing actually happened in the movie. Also understandable, because in movies, it's much less interesting for the characters to talk about doing something, rather than actually doing it. I get that. Adding things in is much more acceptable than taking things out (*sob* Tom Bombadil). Everything was still very much in the spirit of the books. But then, the unthinkable happened. They added a LOVE STORY. No, no, no, no, no. You don't do that. No. NOT in the spirit of the books. At all. I was upset. But still, it didn't ruin the whole movie, or anything like that. It was really only brought in toward the end, and wasn't made a central issue or anything. It was just a minor complaint. Everything else was wonderful.

Okay, that's that. In other news... going to a burning party tonight. It should be good. I just hope the weather stays nice until then. But it's supposed to rain. How does it rain three Saturdays in a row? How is it that, without fail, we manage to plan everything for rainy days? Even when it's planned weeks in advance? *sigh* (Okay, just went to let the dog in, and as it turns out, it's already sprinkling). Oh well, I guess another Saturday of playing board games isn't such a bad thing. I was just looking forward to the good old days of burning and fireworks.

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Accounting 101

  • Remember to put in negative signs when necessary.
  • Use the correct command keys in the programs. Using 'Inquire' will not actuallly allow you to 'Change' anything.
  • Make sure the chair is adjusted properly so that your feet touch the floor. Your back will thank you later.
  • Say goodbye to your eyesight. Oh man, lots of numbers in tiny font. Gross.

Not a bad first day. People were nice. I was relieved. Apparently, not knowing anything about accounting or logisitics actually doesn't affect your ability to do accounting and logistics, as long as you're smart enough to match up numbers, and put numbers in the appropriate, clearly labeled boxes. I think I'll survive the summer. (Okay, at $12.00/hr., I could survive quite a lot, but shhh).

Friday, 16 May 2008

A Fragment of Life.

I finally got a job offer today! Wooo. Working as a "Student Accounting Clerk" at the local High Liner Foods fish plant. Which is terrifying, because it's working in Accounting and Logistics, and my experience with either of those is exactly zero. But they assured me at the interview that they didn't expect anyone to be able to do all this stuff, and that there would be training. So I guess I'll be okay. Anyway, learning new stuff should be interesting, even if it will probably be rather stressful at first. Also, it pays well, like, several dollars an hour more than I ever expected to get from somewhere around here. And the hours are good, and it's conveniently located so that I can carpool with mom almost every day. It's kind of funny, actually, because when we were brainstorming places that I could apply to, my parents suggested the fish plant, but said "you probably won't hear anything from them, because they usually only hire students if they have family that work there, but it can't hurt to put a resume in." Evidently, it didn't.


A couple of days ago I read Stardust by Neil Gaiman. The first time in a very long time that I read a non-FYP book all in one sitting. It was very, very good. Exactly the kind of story that I'm a sucker for. So now, of course, I have to add "everything Neil Gaiman has ever written" to my already extensive list of things to read. I also noticed the other day that my mom has several books out from the library that I really want to read (The Kite Runner, A Thousand Splendid Suns, and Memoirs of a Geisha). So I'll have to scam some of those over the next couple of days. At the moment, I'm reading Tales from the Dark Tower, although I haven't touched it in two days, and I'm not sure I'm going to. I picked it up at the library because by all appearances, it claimed to be a collection of horror/fantasy short stories. So I read the first one. Which was a vampire story. I'm not really into vampires, unless they're of the Anne Rice variety, so I was less than impressed. Especially because it was also terribly written and completely uninteresting and disbelievable (Yeah, yeah, vampires are disbelievable, but I mean, there was the bit where the man and woman fell madly in love and wanted to be together forever after knowing each other for a few hours. And the bit where they had sex, even though he was recovering from terrible wounds and he wasn't even allowed to stand up in case he made them worse. And, again, with these wounds, the next morning he puts on his armour and rides off to the 'Dark Tower' to fight whatever evil forces happen to be lurking there. Yup, totally believable.). Anyway. I thought the next one might be better, so I started reading. And realized, that by "collection of short stories" it really meant "a book where the chapters are written by different people." I keep telling myself that it will get better, but I haven't convinced myself to start reading again. I might quit and read some of those interesting-sounding books mentioned above. Which goes to show how bad it is, because the last time I gave up on a book was in grade three (It was something about a girl, and her mother died, and there was a chair that her mother always sat in. I read the first chapter and decided that it was too depressing).


Yesterday I watched The Blair Witch Project. Because I remember how much I wanted to see it when I was in, like, grade seven, so I decided that yesterday was going to be the day that I finally saw it. Yup, that was a total waste of time. It was mostly a movie about three kids who got lost in the woods and yelled at each other a bunch. I'm pretty sure the scariest scene was the one where the girl was just shrieking "Fuck you" at one of the guys over and over again. All-in-all, pretty lame. It did remind me, though, that I've never actually seen a really good horror movie. I somehow find the idea of being absolutely terrified very exciting. It's probably one of those silly things that comes with being human and belonging to our society. So I've decided that just once, I would like to see a movie that actually scares me. This is the part where, if I had anything resembling a readership, I would ask for suggestions, but instead, I'll go ask the internet. I'm sure google will have an answer for me.


I spent a few hours last night and this morning reading Wikipedia articles. Because I totally have a life, really. Anyway. I realized they had a "Famous Animals" category. And after reading a bunch of those, I discovered the "Carnivorous Cryptids" category, so of course I just had to read all of those. And eventually, I got to the "Sideshow Performers" category, and read all of those too. And that's not counting the occassional sidetrack. So, umm... I've never told anyone this, but my life dream is to be a 19th century circus director. Yes, I realize how unattainable that is (Seriously, though, if I get my hands on a time machine, you'd better look out...). I don't know, I've just always been fascinated by the idea of circuses and carnivals and things... and yeah, I mean sure, the lion tamers and the trapezists and the sword swallors and what-have-you are pretty impressive, but really? The really neat part would be the sideshows, with the freaks and mysterious animals and objects, even those ones were generally hoaxes. I mean, if you didn't know that, it would be TOTALLY cool! I would love to be able to bring all of this fascination and mystery to people... (And yes, I realize how completely politically incorrect it is for me to say that I want to be a circus director and put disabled people on display as freaks. It's not like I would do it now, just, you know, in the 19th century, that was actually a pretty good option for them). But at any rate, I don't think that's going to happen. Which means I need a new life dream. Maybe I should write biographies of circus freaks, or something.


I just finished compiling a playlist of summery music. Oh my gosh, it is massive. Like, in the area of 150 songs. I suspect that will go down in time though, as I decide that I'm sick of hearing this song, and that one isn't actually all that summery, or whatever. I was surprised by how big it was, I just wanted a playlist that felt appropriate for the time of year (do other people have 'summer' music and 'winter' music? Or am I just weird? ...I bet google doesn't have an answer for that one), and when I started putting things on it, all of a sudden everything reminded me of summer. Very strange. Anyway. For those who care, 'summer music,' for me, apparently consists of such artists as:

All-American Rejects
The Ataris
The Beatles
Billy Joel
The Broomhandles
Counting Crows
Culture Club
Fall Out Boy
Five Iron Frenzy
Franz Ferdinand
George Michael
Grease Soundtrack
Jack Johnson
Joel Plaskett Emergency
KT Tunstall
Less Than Jake*
Modest Mouse
Natasha Bedingfield
No Doubt
Panic! at the Disco*
Reel Big Fish*
Rufus Wainwright
Seals and Croft
Shiny Toy Guns
Skankin' Pickle
Skye Sweetnam
Spice Girls*
Streetlight Manifesto*
Tegan and Sara
Tommy Tutone
The Trews*
Utada Hikaru
Van Morrison
Vanessa Carlton

*These artists contribute 5 or (sometimes significantly) more songs to the list.