Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Looking Back: 2008

I thought that, it being the end of the year and all, it might be a good time to look back on the past year and reflect on it. I started writing this post on a month-by-month basis, but that's not working out so well, actually. The important things don't separate nicely into months, you know? They do, however, more ore less separate into four-month chunks. How convenient.

Chunk One: January to April

To be honest, I don't remember very many specific things that happened that semester. I remember the beginning of reading week, when T. was here and we all went bowling the night before the FYP midterm and I tried to study and that went awfully (but I still got the highest mark. Hah!) And the next night, when we went out for dinner and then had the amazing snow fight. I remember the ridiculousness that was St. Patrick's Day/Martin's Birthday. But mostly, I remember feelings. I remember being ridiculously excited to go back after Christmas. I remember how our group got ridiculously lame and stopped doing things. I remember being constantly frustrated with my essay marks (and the essays themselves, hah). I remember what I went through trying to figure out courses and majors and things (oh, the horror...). I remember being terribly disappointed about losing Chair of Bays (In retrospect, this has become a good thing.). Um, okay, this isn't really a reflection, this is a mess. Let's straighten up. Okay. First semester. My friends were being lame, and that was sad. I was bored, a lot. I wished I was involved with things. I tried. I failed. I was frustrated with my academic performance. I tried really hard. I didn't do very well. I was trying to figure out what to do with my life. I made some progress. I was sad about going home. I guess I was still in love with school, even if the semester was less than ideal. Okay, so I'm finding that I don't actually really care enough about things that happened in this semester to analyze any more. Basically, a lot of things were going on then that are still going on now. Perhaps it was the beginning of the downfall?

Chunk Two: May to August

SUMMER. This is absolutely the best part of the year. Summer was perfect. Perfect.

Okay, well, there were those few weeks at the beginning of May when I was lonely and miserable and bored out of my tree and wanted more than anything to just be back at school. That was kinda shitty. And then there was the obligatory midsummer depression at the end of June, but those are just things that I've come to expect, really.

And those aren't the things I think of when I think of summer. I think of backwoods camping and Upper Clements and the drive-in and roadtrips and days at the beach and evenings at Beck's Lake and lots of board games and campfires and SHENANIGANS.

Mostly I remember being being ridiculously happy all the time.

I had a decent time at work too. I mean, it's not hard to like job when everyone there is super duper friendly, thinks you're fantastic, and praises you multiple times a day. Seriously. Aside from the fact that I didn't actually like the work all that much, it was pretty good. At least I didn't hate it, and hey, figuring out what I don't want to do with my life is a good step towards figuring out what I do want to do with my life.

Overall, summer was spectacular. I relearned how to be happy. That's probably the most important (and best) thing that's happened to me in, well, a couple years, actually.

Chunk Three: September to December

So this chunk could have gone better. It started off really badly. I hated Frosh Week even more than I hated it last year. I thought that at least seeing people would be exciting, but no. Because I hardly saw people. Being completely away from my King's friends was easier than being near enough to go see them but not to be able to spend every minute of every day with them like I was used to. Seeing them is fantastic, but it doesn't make up for the little things that happen everyday to make me want to be excited about them to someone, but there's no one around to be excited at. :(

September overall was a pretty rough month. There was a lot of crying in my room because I had no one to go to dinner with, and almost failing french quizzes, and arguing with my then-boyfriend. Uhhh, so, I didn't handle that break up very well... I know breaking up was the right thing to do, but I just didn't go about it in the right way. My bad.

But. I made it through September. And I hit October. I was getting better at school, I didn't have to deal with the arguing so much once we finally broke up, I learned to cope with residence and being alone more than I was used to, I saw my friends more, things were looking up. Then I got involved with a whole relationship mess which lasted for several months and still isn't really resolved. And by not really, I mean not actually at all. So that occupied my October, and most of my November.

But the thing is, along about November sometime, I realised that there was no point being upset. It just felt like... in September, nearly everyone in my life was sad all the time, including me. And that lasted for a while. But then in November I realized that I wasn't even upset about anything anymore. I had no reason to be sad. I was just sad because everyone I talked to was sad all the time, and that makes it very hard to be happy. So I decided to act happy to try to cheer up other people. I'm not sure how well that worked for me, but it sure made me feel a lot better.

So this isn't really what I intended it to be, but then, I'm not entirely sure what I intended it to be. Just not this, I guess. But, still, it's a pretty accurate portrayal of the year, I suppose, and I can't ask for too much more than that, really.

Thursday, 25 December 2008

Merry Christmas!

Wishing a very merry Christmas to the interwebs. I hope you all had a fantastic day.


Wednesday, 24 December 2008

Christmas Wish List

Clear and distinct ideas.
Freedom from necessitation.
Un beau conte de l'amour et la mort.
My heart's reasons that reason can't understand.
For you to throw your arms around my neck, and hold me tightly, into the ice age.
Goldenrod and the 4-H stone.
Gyges' ring.
The benefit of the clergy.
An escape from normalization.
A backyard mirror ball full of soul.
A feeling, which then grew into a quiet thought, which then turned into a quiet word, and then that word grew louder and louder, until it was a battle cry...
To talk like I've got nothing to lose, and don't dance with nobody else
Fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, true love, miracles...
Ne pas avoir tort lorsque j'ai raison
A portrait from an engagement ring display
A Christmas Miracle.

Umm, so, guess the references? This is basically everything important from my life int he past 4 months, at least in terms of school and music and to some extent movies and even a little bit of social life, haha. Yayyy. I actually just want one thing for Christmas, but it's not anything anyone can get for me. I think I am going to get it, in the end, but certainly not in time for Christmas.

In case I don't post again before then... Merry Christmas everyone!

Saturday, 20 December 2008

I Feel So Gross

My body is just so thrown off.

The last few weeks of school sleep was pretty scarce. Then I came home on the 9th, a Tuesday. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights, I slept for 12, 11, and 10.5 hours, respectively. That brings us to a Friday night, when I only slept for 6 hours because a) I had a realization which led to a lot of worrying and b) my body is used to staying up all night on Fridays. Then, of course, I'm used to sleeping for 4-6 hours on Saturday and being ridiculously tired by Saturday night, so not having that threw me off some more. Sunday, I didn't eat anything until about 3 pm. Monday night, I only slept for five hours because I had a friend here. Tuesday, I ate an early lunch and didn't have dinner until almost 11 pm. Wednesday, I worked out for the first time in a month or so. Thursday, in the middle of the afternoon I felt like I was going to pass out, and then realized that I had not consumed any liquids that day. Friday, I ate ridiculous amounts of candy, had dinner around 10, and still, my body is in the habit of being up all night.

So basically, the reason my body isn't being very nice to me lately is because I haven't been very nice to it.

I really should get myself back on some sort of regular schedule so that I can potentially not feel like crap at some point in the near future. That would be nice.

A good start would be going to bed now. But... I want to go write the beginning of two or three blog posts so that I don't forget about them completely later, and I'm chatting with some people, and I want to revise my to do list to make it a little more realistic, and blah blah blah. I don't understand why I can spend all day doing nothing and then around 11 all of a sudden I have a bajillion things to do. It's ridiculous. RIDICULOUS.

Want want want.

Things going wrong in my life right now:

I've finally made a decision about shit in my life and am prepared to follow through. I just DON'T KNOW HOW. I really wish that I was less awkward. Or at least that I was awkward enough that I didn't care how awkward I was being. Maybe it's not awkward and I'm just making too big of a deal over it? Anyway. I just want this to work out well. Want want want.

Housing for next year - one roommate and I found the perfect place, but the other two are taking some convincing. I know that we probably seem silly for jumping at practically the first place we look at, but it really is pretty perfect. Like, really, actually. Want want want. I think they might be sorta kinda starting to come around to it? Hopefully we can convince them sooooon.

My brother might not make it home for Christmas. He's supposed to be coming home Sunday night, but there's a few massive storms moving into the area, and a whole bunch of flights are getting cancelled, and this close to Christmas, rescheduling propbably wouldn't go so well. This on its own is pretty sucky. Furthermore, he and I were going to get a joint gift for my parents, but he was going to deal with it because he knows about that kind of thing; I was just contributing money. But he wasn't going to pick it up until he got him, so if he doesn't come home, my parents have no gift. So I need to decide whether to get them something different or hope for him to come through. And since I'm going tomorrow to do the rest of my Christmas shopping... I need to decide by then. Agghhh.

Two of my marks still aren't online! So frustrating. So so so frustrating. I mean, yeahhh, I got the two I was most worried about already (did better than expected in both! I must be damn good at guessing for COMM 1010, and my Bentham paper must have been much better than I thought it was...) But still. I want these two as well. Want want want.

I'm supposed to be writing a play, and I'm not! I want want want more time and more motivation... sigh.

Things going right in my life right now:

I just hosted a Christmas party with my friends... I think it was a success. Everyone seemed fairly happy, anyway. I, for one, am pleased. :D

...yeah, that's really short, but it's actually good enough to make up for everything else. It's just easier to whine than to praise, I suppose. But trust me, I am a happy camper. Just an extraordinarily whiny one.

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

It's been a bit of a long day.

I spent about an hour this morning typing up everything I could think of about the four flats we went to see yesterday and sending it to the rest of the roomies. After that, I spent about two hours going through all the pictures and videos we had and figuring out what they were and labeling them and figuring out how to send them and then sending them.

In between/after that stuff, I volunteered to host a Christmas party, and figured out all the logistics of it.

After that, I shoveled some snow, helped with some cleaning and stuff, and helped set up a room for my brother to stay in after he gets home this weekend.

After dinner, there was a gingerbread crisis, which led to some brainstorming with the fam, calling several grocery stores, some internet research, and then campaigning for volunteers. The crisis has almost been resolved, but not quite. Need one more volunteer... Have two contingency plans, though, so everything should work out decent at worst, good at best.

Tomorrow. Make gingerbread. Unless the crisis aversion plan doesn't work out, in which case either contingency plan 1 make a bunch of phone calls, or contingency plan 2 do nothing excpet maybe make some icing. Write a play. Clean the house. Sort out the last details of party-hosting. Hopefully have some sort of developments/progress on the housing situation.

Friday. Clean some more. Host a fantabulous Christmas party.

Friday, 12 December 2008

Home again, home again, jiggity jig.

So another Christmas break has begun, and here I am at home again.

I'm having a really weird relationship with home this time around. I don't know.

For many reasons, I was very excited to come home for the holidays. I'm really hating living in residence this year. I'm sick and tired of school and was at the point where I just wanted to drop out and spend my life writing and reading and knitting and stuff. I feel like I need to step away from certain situations for a while and get my life sorted out. And I felt like it didn't really matter, because I wouldn't really miss my friends too much since I never see them anyway. I figured I'd miss the three people that I see often enough to count, and in return I get my friends at home AND my family AND my cat so obviously it's better to be here anyway, right?

But, as excited as I was to come home, in a strange way, I was kind of hoping that it wouldn't be that great. I was sort of hoping for a really disappointing holiday, so that maybe when January rolls around I'll actually be excited to go back; maybe I'll remember all of those things I love about being at school; maybe I'll appreciate it a little bit more and actually be happy to be there...

So far... I don't know. Well, the reasons I was excited to come home... yes, it's better than residence. It's QUIET, it's clean, I don't share my bathroom with gross people, I get to eat tasty tasty food; that part is definitely good.

And yeah, I don't have to do school work, but I'm not doing any of the things that I wanted to do either. I'm sleeping for upwards of 10 hours a night (no way is that healthy) and spending most of my days wasting time on the internet. I made a to do list with 24 things on it, and some of those have sublists. So far, I've accomplished 2 small things. Sigh.

As for the stepping away from certain situations... not helping there either, because they're IN MY HEAD. Or my heart, or something, but either way, putting actual physical distance between me and the other people involved is not making one bit of difference. Not one bit.

And the whole coming-home-to-more-people-than-I-was-leaving-behind thing... well, the day that I left, that was a really good day. I ate zero meals alone. I had a tea party with two new-found unexpected friends, and I saw nearly all of my friends before I left. And so far, I haven't seen anyone here, and I kind of realized how little I will probably actually see them, and well, my parents are lovely, but since they're at work all day I don't even see them that much so pretty much I've just got my cat.

Anyway, I guess I should probably just not worry about it. I'm spending most of today/tomorrow getting ready for the family Christmas party we're hosting tomorrow evening, and then maybe that will get me in the mood to be more motivated and productive on Sunday, and early next week I'm hopefully going back to the city (already, I know!) for the day to see some houses if everything works out... so maybe there'll be some improvement. I don't know.

At the very least, it's better than last year this time, when I came home to a house I had only lived in for about 3 weeks total. It is home now. Sure, I still don't know it well enough to not run into things when it's dark, and sure, my room is full of car parts at the moment, but I've come to not only accept but love those quirky little things. Like the fact that I'm currently using my brother's microphone stand as a hat rack because I have nowhere else to put stuff.

Monday, 8 December 2008

No Need to Say Goodbye

It's just been this kind of day.

The Call - Regina Spektor
(End of Prince Caspian)

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word
And then that word grew louder and louder
Till it was a battle cry
I'll come back when you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never been this way before
All you can do is try to know who your friends are
As you head off to war
Pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when it's over
No need to say goodbye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it, too
Doesn't means that you have to forget
Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
Till they're before your eyes
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye
You'll come back when they call you
No need to say goodbye


I think that being Peter and Susan at the end of Prince Caspian or Lucy and Edmund at the end of Dawn Treader would be pretty much the worst thing that could happen. When Aslan tells them that they can't go back to Narnia... I'm pretty sure my heart would break. That's the advantage of being a reader - C.S. Lewis never tells us we can't go back; all we have to do is pick up a book and there we are again...

But they do get to actually BE there. And they do go back in the end. They definitely get the better deal, overall.

I was one of those children who crawled into their wardrobe trying to get to Narnia... I wish it had worked and I could stay there forever...

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

Sharing some Music Love

Monster Boots - Razorlight

I love this song because it's so fun and energetic. And singable. :)

Gotta Have You - The Weepies

There was about a week near the end of the summer where I just listened to this song on repeat over and over again. It's beautiful and emotional. If you haven't listened to The Weepies before, you should now.


Ice Age - Pete Yorn

I would have to say that this is my current favourite song, and has been for the past month or so. I love everything about it. Pete Yorn is also someone you should go listen to right now. (And please ignore the fact that the video is Grey's Anatomy, yuck, it was just the only decent quality version of the song on YouTube).


For the Widows in Paradise, For the Fatherless in Ypsalanti - Sufjan Stevens

I really love unique sound of this one - yes, even the horn section of yucky brass instruments.


Prelude from Cello Suite No. 1 - J. S. Bach

This is one of those pieces that I heard a lot and loved, but never knew what it was until a few weeks ago when we listened to it in class one day.


Samson - Regina Spektor

This song is so pretty, and yet powerful. And Regina Spektor is amazing.


Lady Bird - Samaha


If There's a Rocket Tie Me To It - Snow Patrol
Crack the Shutters - Snow Patrol

I'd forgotten how much I love Snow Patrol. I'm glad to have remembered. Both of these songs are beautiful.


What Katie Did - The Libertines

Another fun song. Ignore the Kate Moss pictures. It's not actually about her, it's about heroin.


Smile Like You Mean It - The Killers

The Killers are pretty hit and miss with me, I either really like or really hate most of their songs. This one, however, is a really like.