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Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Reality

Crawling into bed
I feel the lingering heat
From where your body lay
As I slip between the sheets

This simple heat
Like a gentle carress
A certain sign that
You must be real

And as I pull the still-warm blankets
Around my shaking body
For just a moment I think
That I might be too

I can scarcely remember
How that felt
To be alive, awake and real
Truly living in this world

Now I live off borrowed reality
Stealing moments like that
Holding onto that feeling
And loving your reality.


I wrote this a couple days ago; I think I like it. I mean, the writing's pretty terrible, but it expresses my feelings quite well. I might try to fix it up eventually.

Stuff and things.

So, I ended up crying myself to sleep last night. I haven't done that in a good long time. It made me feel a lot better, though, so it was probably worth it.

I felt sick all day yesterday, and am still not feeling the greatest this morning. Fun fun.

I'm starting to feel really down about next year. So many people are not coming back... And all the ones that are have already got people to live with and are finding places to live, and me, I've got no one and nothing, so guess where I'm gonna be? Back in res, all by myself. It wouldn't even be so bad if I were good at making friends... Also, no idea what I'm going to be taking/doing. Over the break I was reading up on the King's programmes, and I was so interested in the Early Modern and had pretty much decided that was what I was going to do. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder what the hell I'm going to do with a degree in Early Modern Studies? And the more I think about it, there is nothing at all that I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, so I'm not even sure why I should bother getting any degree at all.

But I know, really that this is just a thing that I'm going through, and I know I do want to come back and do this and I'll figure out my life eventually.

Maybe I'll just go study math. At least I'm good at it. And go to Waterloo, just to be a bitch. Heh.

Or I could move to Spain and be a gypsy.

Or build a time machine and go back in time to when women didn't have to do anything with their lives. Damn feminism.

But, looking on the bright side, so far this morning I've dealt with both my Student Loan problems and applied to res and had a lovely conversation about sharks and gorillas. It's shaping up to be a productive day, if nothing else. I think this afternoon I will play clarinet, do FYP reading and french homework, and maybe go to academic advising. See if they can talk me out of being a gypsy in Spain.

Also, hopefully tonight will be less painfully boring than last night was.

Wednesday, 23 January 2008

Yeah, I know I promised real posts, but haven't had the time and am too tired now, but, these need to be documented:

"There's a democratic debate tonight, 9 o'clock, Canadian Time!"

DanBran: So say you see a chicken, and a corn on the cob... no no no, this is a bad example... that's a terrible example! Surely I can do better than that... Okay, let's say you saw a horse and a...
AGT: Narwhal?
DanBran: A what??
AGT: A narwhal.
DanBran: What the hell is that?

French Prof: Who can tell me who Luther and Mirabeau are?
Girl: *puts up her hand before he finishes asking the question, and says with a know-it-all expression* Well, Luther was a priest.
Prof: Just a priest? A regular run-of-the-mill priest? Nothing special about him?
Girl: Ummm... yeah.


The only thing funnier than stupid people is stupid people who think they're smart. Seriously though, I've definitely known who Luther was since at least grade 10, if not before. This is a second-year university course, for heaven's sake! That's ridiculous.

Tuesday, 22 January 2008

So... tired...

I cannot stay awake lately. Seriously. This morning, I woke up at 8:15 and didn't get up until 8:30, and then I fell asleep again from 10:50 to 11:30. Seriously, I was barely out of bed for two hours, and I already went back to sleep? Not good. And I'm already starting ro feel like I could go for another nap. Especially considering that I was asleep by 12:30 last night, so that's pretty much a good eight hours. And it's not like I haven't been sleeping well other nights, either. I mean, okay, so I stayed until 4 am on Friday night, but every other day for the past two weeks or so, I've been asleep by 1, and every single day I've fallen asleep at some point through the day. I'm starting to think that this really isn't good.

Maybe it's just that I've been a little bit busy and stressed lately? I don't know, that could be it. This is an essay week, and the reading has been pretty heavy lately, plus actually having to do work in my French class this semester is adding to the burden. There's other things on my mind too, I've been meaning to write about them. Sometime in the next couple days, I promise.

Wednesday, 16 January 2008

Emo face.

Lately, I feel boring. I just don't seem to have anything to say. To anyone. Ever. I don't do things. I'm just, well, I'm just kind of here. Everyone else is so much more interesting and funny and clever than me and I'm just kind of sitting out on the sidelines, watching and laughing.

I feel so much less of everything that I am than I used to be. Okay, that sentence doesn't make sense, but, here's some clarification. Back home, I was the smart kid. I was the creative genius. I was spontaneous and fun and I was always part of everything. Here, I'm just some average mediocre person. And even though I still am most of those things, it just doesn't seem like it in comparison to everyone else, and I'm kind of starting to not associate any of those words with myself any more, and now all of a sudden all of my positive characteristics are gone and I don't know how to deal with it.

Don't get me wrong, I love having all of these awesome people around me all the time, I love them dearly, but... I just feel so sub-standard when I'm with them.

And I know that I should really quit whining, because most people have to deal with a lot more shit than I do, including the very people I'm talking about, and I wouldn't trade places with any of them, not for the world. It makes me sad that we're all so sad, and I just wish there were something I could do about it. Is everyone like this? Or is it just that the coolest people are never the happiest ones? I find it hard to believe that it's just teen angst, but is it a matter of finding your place and figuring things out, and then sometime, five, ten, twenty years from now, we can all be happy? Or will this stay with us forever? Why should people have to suffer this way, why can't we just learn to accept ourselves and the world and not have to worry about it, why can't everyone be happy?

Tuesday, 15 January 2008

This is bad, but...

...keep in mind that it's about a pylon.

You sit silently in the windowsill
A splash of morning colour to greet me
In a world of grey and whiter, calm and still
Last night's snow has blanketed you neatly.
You stand defiant, a challenge to all
Completely out of place, yet somehow right
Not quiet and complacent, you stand tall
A sentinel to guard us through the night.
You are a symbol of the positive
A reminder that not all is dreary
Ample refreshment for my will to live
When the world has made me far too weary.
You say not "good morning," for you are dumb
But greet me for many mornings to come.

Yup. First bit of creative writing I manage to scrape out for months, and it's about a pylon... a fucking PYLON.

'Sup with that?

I guess it's better than nothing, and seriously, I'll probably take a picture of it tomorrow sometime and maybe do something artsy with this. 'Cause I'm lame like that. :)
I had a really good day today, and I don't even feel guilty about it.

See, my plan was, get up early, go to breakfast, clean room, edit essay once, go to lunch, edit essay again, do French homework and FYP reading for Thursday, have a nap, go to dinner, edit essay, go to Study Snacks, fix essay, go to bed. I got as far as the lunch part. Then I decided that it would be a much better plan to go out with RC for the day and go to Clay Cafe and paint an AWESOME bowl shaped like a frog and run some errands and then spend two hours at dinner and get NOTHING done. And I don't even care. I had fun. Things will get done when they get done.

I can't believe I'm not stressed out right now. I have to finish this essay by tomorrow, find time to do French homework before 2:30 tomorrow, and read 200ish pages for Thursday, and I'm not stressed at all. It's weird.

Of course, I'll probably care a lot more when I get this essay back and don't have as good a mark on it as I would like. It's just hard to get used to not being smart. I really hate this.

Anyway, I'm going to go have a short nap, then do a spell check/format and head off to Study Snacks. :)

Hysterics

What happens when one drunk person shows up in the room of one sober but incredibly hyper person...

Me: Oh God, it's all over me! It's in my EYES, it buuuurrrrnnnnssss.... Oh god, it's EVERYWHERE! It's on my laptop!
J: Except for the last part, that's what she said!
Me: *Collapses on bed laughing*
J: Get it? Semen.


J: I kind of want to give her my e-mail, but it would be weird because a) I don't know her, b) she's kind of pretty, and c) I don't know her..


Me: *puts a blanket over my head and waves my arms around* It's a ghoooooooost!!!
J: Phantom Marg? Oh, no... what the fuck is wrong with you?

Tuesday, 8 January 2008

Month in Review

Okay, this is going to be long, but non-whiny. Yay!

Alright. Christmas break, in a nutshell. Here goes:

First week home, none of my friends were home yet, so there wasn't much to do. I spent the week pretty much just hanging around the house, reading, internetting and what have you. It was actually realloy nice at the time to just be able to relax and not have to worry about getting things done. My brother and his girlfriend got home the next Monday, and they weren't too bad; actually they didn't bother me at all until the last four days or so they were there when they started driving me insane. Anyway. That Wednesday was the IB reception, which was the first time I saw everyone. It was nice... I don't feel like I talked to people much, I don't know, but it was okay, and Ms. MacDonnell cornered me and we talked about King's for a good ten or fifteen minutes. After that, I went over to ST's house for a small gathering. It was the first time I'd seen her since April, so it was reeeeeally good to see her. SG, AS, CF, and CJ were there as well, so it was all cool. The next morning though, there was a massive snowstorm, so mom came to pick me up on her lunch break as planned, but then I didn't get to drive home as planned, so I spent four hours wandering around town. In the massive snowstorm. I woke up the next morning with a brutal head cold, and spent the next week sitting around drinking tea and reading. I ventured out on the 22nd to go caroling, which was fun, despite the small turnout (Me, TM, AS, JH, BC, SE).

Christmas was nice. We did the whole nice Christmas Eve dinner thing, and then went to church, as usual. Christmas morning was pretty laid-back, we got up around 9, opened the stockings and 'Santa' presents, then had a huge breakfast before opening everything else. I got money, chocolate, pillows, and watches. That's pretty much it. Pretty decent.

For New Year's, I went out to the party at T.'s house. Everyone was there (except freakin' LH!), which was nice, but all we did was play Cranium. Don't get me wrong, I like Cranium and all, but still, I could have done with a little more excitement. Or at least talking and getting caught up with everyone. But whatever. We weren't invited for the night, which meant I had to leave at 11, but my parents and my brother and his grilfriend all ended up at home too, so we set off a shitload of fireworks together and then drank some wine. Not too bad.

After that, I read ahead for school. I went out LH's on the last Friday to watch the entire third season of Prison Break. Only 8 episodes, but that is six hours, and we didn't get started til 9, so we were up until 4. (Yes, we managed to take an hour's worth of breaks and stuff.) We couldn't get in touch with AF to make her be there too, which was really very sad, but it was still fun, and oh man, it was SO intense. PB=<3 Anyway, next morning, we got up and went bowling with JH, T., CZ and CC, which was a fun time, and then we said good byes again, which were super sad. *sob*

Anyway. So I got back to King's on Sunday. It's good to be here. I missed everyone so much. So I got here, and unpacked everything... and then we went to dinner... the we went to visit GC! Fun times. We managed to find his house and everything. Then I chilled in my room for a while, and then DC, MM and I went to pick up AB from the airport.

Classes started on Monday, it was so weird being back in lecture again. It wasn't a bad lecture, but they're still doing the whole summarizing thing, and it's still frustrating. And paying attention to one thing for more than ten minutes at a time seems a lot harder than it used to. Tutorial was the same as ever. French class, still Language and Culture, but a new topic and prof - Parisian architechture, and the prof seems decent. Best thing, like, ever, though, is that the class is structured into sections (Medieval, Renaissance, 17th century, 18th & 19th centuries, and 20th century), and CM and AGT are both in my class, and CM said "Oh man, it's like FYP, wouldn't it be awesome if we read some Rabelais or something?" (Lecture yesterday was on Rabelais' Gargantua). So, the prof was going through the list of authors we'd be reading from, and sure enough, Rabelais was on it. The three of us just looked at each other, and then he said we'd be reading from Gargantua, and all three of us just burst out laughing. Fun times.

Anyway, last night was North Pole gift exchange, which was decent. Then we all got drunk. Yay? It was fun.

So, reasons why today is pretty much the best day ever:

The cranberry juice isn't out of order any more!
MM drew me a picture of Cranberry Jesus with a mullet saying "Ding, bitches."
MW was singing Swedish songs
The theme of the day is cannabalism
JS got back and we clobbered her
I got some knitting done
We're gonna have a hallway party after a bit... yay, gossip?
I managed to have an afternoon nap for the first time in over a month (which may or may not have anything to do with the fact that I haven't slept well for the past four nights)

Reasons why today wasn't the best day ever:

I didn't write a play
I missed my grocery shopping date with RC

And in related news, RC has decided that she definitely for sure absolutely is not coming back next year. Serious sadface. *sigh*

Okay. That's all.

Thursday, 3 January 2008

Scarf


After a long hiatus (okay, four months), I finally got back to knitting. Yay! Not only is it fun, productive, and relaxing, it's also a good Stay-Awake-In-Lecture aid. All around good deal. Set-backs on the knitting front were that I couldn't finish my vest without help and didn't have LH or mom to help me. Also, I had no yarn to start a new project, and you wouldn't believe what we went through to find a store that sold yarn within walking distance of King's...


Anyway, I finally got some new yarn and started knitting this scarf according to the pattern found here. I had never cabled before and decided to learn, and as it turns out, it's super easy. And pretty. Yay!


This was meant to be a Christmas present for a certain knitter friend, but it's looking less and less likely all the time that I'm actually going to get to see her over the break, so I might just end up keeping it.

Tuesday, 1 January 2008

New Year's Resolutions

These are kind of silly, and I never keep them, but I always make them anyway. It's pretty much essential. Soooo, here goes:

1. Joint resolution with Jessie: See each other more often.
2. Joint resolution with Laura: Don't worry. (Be happy!)
3. Try to eat slightly less crappy food, as difficult as that may be, given the fact that it's Sodexho.
4. Get more exercise.
5. Work on having better posture.
6. WRITE.
7. Play clarinet and piano on at least a somewhat regular basis.
8. Get better at doing pretty girl things.

Erm, I guess that's it. Hopefully I can make these last longer than the month I usually get. :)