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Thursday, 28 February 2008

I've realised what's wrong with my life. Seriously. I've figured out why I'm soooo freaking bored, ALL the time. I'm missing extracurricular activities. I mean, in high school, my free time (= total time - school - work - sleep) was mostly spent on extracurricular stuff, then homework, then socializing. And at King's... well, that list would be exactly inverted. I used to have band at lunch three times a week and after school once a week, GSA and/or YSJ and/or Prom Committee at lunch once a week, piano one evening a week, writing club one lunch or after school a week, and kickboxing twice a week. And now... nothing. Kind of weird, considering that I signed up for like 7 things on society day during frosh week, and they ALL died or weren't what I expected. I think next year I will have to try harder to get involved in stuff. Surely there's got to be something interesting out there that I can do...
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So, this whole exercising and being active thing really isn't going so well for me. My problem is really the fact that I'm not a gym person. It scares me, and it's not satisfying. Which, really, doesn't leave with a lot of options. It's too cold now to go outdoors, although once it warms up, I definitely plan to get out there. I miss kickboxing soo much though
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I am soo lazy today. I was doing well this morning, but since lunch, ugh, I've hardly been able to convince myself to do anything. It's ridiculous.

Sunday, 24 February 2008

Friday was a happy happy day.

I spent the mroning doing some final review for the midterm, which was a kind of peacefully organized, comforting thing, not stressful. The midterm wasn't too bad - not easy like last semester, but certainly not hard either. I feel good about it.

After the midterm, a bunch of us went out to the Ardmore Tea House for brunch - it was delicious. It makes me sad that yummy food is a novelty. Although, on the upside, it is kind of nice when just eating good food is special enough to make the whole day better.

When we got back from brunch, I had a ridiculously long shower, it was excellent. Then I went to French, which is a pretty laid back class anyway. That day it was "here, do this 20-question grammar quiz on stuff you learned in grade 12/last semester" and then taking notes for the rest of class.

And after that I was freeeeeeee. I spent some time with MM, MW, and JD before they all went home or away for the break. On the one hand, a week away from everyone is long enough to miss them, but on the other, I think it will be kind of nice to spend a little time apart so that we're not so tired of each other and getting on each other's nerves all the time when we get back.

After that I headed over to Risley to see JH, CC, CZ, and T. - he was here visiting since his reading week was last week. We played Rockband for a while, and then decided to go out to dinner. We went to Your Father's Moustache; I had never been there before, but it was really good. The food was delicious, it had a nice atmosphere, really good prices, and great service. When our waitress brought our bills, she told us that the man who had been sitting at the next table over when we came in gave twenty dollars toward our meal - crazy! We were all pretty shocked and impressed by that. Unfortunately, he had already left by that time, so we couldn't thank him.

When we left, we realized that it had started snowing! T. was supposed to leave Friday night at 10, but the roads were getting pretty bad, so he got to stay for the night. On the way back we started having snow fights, so we decided to put on appropriate clothing and then have real snow fights. We did so, and ended up staying outside until almost 11. After that we went in and got dried off. JH started packing for her trip to Vancouver, and while the rest of us were waiting for her we played some more Rockband. When she came down we watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights. By the time that was over, it was 2:00, so we decided it was bed time, but then we ended up standing in the hallway talking for half an hour, and then I came home and went to bed.

Aside from the lack of LH, it was a pretty perfect day.

Saturday was a silly day.

I slept in until 11:30. I think the last time I slept that late was in December, and possibly not even then. I did practically nothing all day. After lunch, I cleaned my room, and then I watched a couple episodes of Prison Break. Went to dinner. Hung out with AB and PM. Watched another episode of Prison Break (season finale, woooo!) and then hung out with AB some more. And I really have to say, Prison Break, HOLY CRAP. I'm not sure why this season only had 13 episodes, but it's a little depressing. And I really don't want to wait forever until next season starts.

Today is not any particular kind of day yet.

I played piano this morning, then finished Atlas Shrugged. Victory, at last! I can't believe how long it took me to read that. I had a shower, and now I'm doing this. I plan to do something a little more productive this afternoon. Maybe.

Saturday, 16 February 2008

Lessons

So, last week's lesson: Learn when to say "no" to socializing. Seriously. It's no wonder I never get anything done.

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Anyway. I had this great post in the works about Chateaubriand's Rene and Hodlerlin's Hyperion, but I think I've passed the point where I could have written it well, when everything was still fresh in my mind. Basically, though, I feel like they both kind of embody what I was saying at the end of this post. That certain kind of sadness that everybody seems to have, and the feeling I get that we'll never be happy. That's exactly what's going on in these two books. The huge aloneness, being in an empty world, where nothing is quite good enough to make us happy... From the introduction to Atala/Rene, Chateaubriand said himself that "there is not a scribbler just out of school who hasn't dreamed of being the unhappiest man on earth, not an upstart of sixteen who hasn't exhausted life and felt himself tormented by his genius"... So this all started with you, Chateaubriand, and your friggin' romantic hero. If it wasn't always like this, maybe it won't always be like this?

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I'm not a lesbian. I'm not even bisexual. I have always identified myself as straight. However, I have always been very aware of the fact that I find females very attractive, in purely a physical way. But never in an active sort of way, it was always just a passive thing... if I happened to see a pretty girl, that was awesome, but I never looked around checking girls out to see if there were any pretty ones around. Until Friday night. We went out for pizza, TD and I were arguing over whether or not our waitress was pretty, and I was just judging based on her face, but he suggested that I should be taking other features into account. So of course, the next time she walked past, I couldn't help but have a look... and apparently I was doing it just like a guy would, so then I became a bit of a spectacle to them. We started doing it to the other waitresses and comparing... it was a whole new experience. I felt kind of skeazy, but at the same time, it was rather enjoyable. And ever since then, I've been continuing to be aware of it, just to see what it's like... and really, you gain a whole new perspective. For example: On a Friday evening, there are far more males than females in a grocery store. Satuday morning at the farmer's market, more females, and as far as age category, mostly middle-aged, then probably a tie between seniors and university-aged. Females tend to wear longer jackets than males. It's just interesting to be more aware of the people around you, even if it is for such a skeazy reason.

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

A Very Miscellaneuous Post

Various things which have been running through m y head lately and may or may not have any relelvance to anything going on in my life:


"The French Republic is invincible, like reason; it is immortal, like truth."
-Robespierre


"When you gonna make up your mind
When you gonna love you as much as I do
When you gonna make up your mind
Cause things are gonna change so fast
All the white horses are still in bed
I tell you that I'll always want you near
You say that things change my dear"

-Winter, Tori Amos


"Vivez, si m'en croyez, n'attendez à demain :
Cueillez dès aujourd'hui les roses de la vie."
-Sonnet pour Helene, Pierre Ronsard


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How Sunday was extraodinarily unproductive:



Got up, went to breakfast.
Started up computer, checked e-mail, Facebook, Bubble Shooter.
Edited essay once.
Read wikipedia article on Anastasia Nikolaevna.
Went to lunch.
Read wikipedia article on Anna Anderson.
Realized that wikipedia has a list of articles on all the Romanov claimants, got excited and read all of them.
Went to the grocery store to help RC buy snacks for the movie get-together on Monday.
Finished reading the last 40 pages of Virtue and Terror.
Facebook.
Played Bubble Shooter.
Went to dinner.
Decided that I really didn't want to edit my essay any more.
Spent about 4 hours stealing (well, trying to, anyway) sheet music off the internet.
Decided to go to bed.
TD showed up at my room to procrastinate, and we ended up dancing in the hallway for an hour.
Actually went to bed.

Trying to make up for that today...

*sigh*

Thursday, 7 February 2008

Excellent Things Found in Random Piles of Stuff

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

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Harrison Bergeron. Up yours, "equality for all." Seriously.

I can't believe I'd forgotten about this story and how awesome it is. Dear Kurt Vonnegut, Less than three. From Katie.

Wednesday, 6 February 2008

Eyes Wide Shut

Weird things happen when you close your eyes.

Today during lecture break, I put my head down on my desk and closed my eyes. With the music playing and the babble of voices, I felt like I was in a big old-fashioned ballroom, and that when I opened my eyes, I would really be there.

That didn't happen.

I closed my eyes again, and this time I became aware of a pattern of rising and falling in the chatter. This is not too surprising, but it was really noticeable, to the point that I thought there must actually be a groupf of people chanting somewhere in the room. I half-expected to open my eyes and see that they had summoned some sort of demon or something.

That didn't happen either.

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So, I'm kind of in love with France in general. Like, seriously. The Renaissance Chateaus are beautiful. Absolutely amazing. Also, they call an ABBA rhyming scheme a "rime embrassée" (an embraced rhyme). How absolutely adorbale/poetic is that? Seriously. Also...

"...Pour appauvrir le monde en enrichit les cieux."
-Pierre Ronsard

and

"Ici la neige tombe et s'évanouit/Aussitôt que sa danse est fini."
-Bertrand/Léger

The two most beautiful lines I've ever read/heard. Nothing in English could possibly compare. The second one is from Paris, possibly the most beautfiul/my favourite poem ever.

And since I'm in a shary/sappy/waste-timey kind of mood, here's this. We had to write a poem in the style of Paris, and mine is actually not bad. Better than many things I've written in english, actually. Maybe French just makes everything sound better.

Sussex

Le chaleur du midi me frappe sur le dos
Il n'y a pas des arbres pour me proteger
Je regarde la piscine, je veux être dans l'eau
Mais Sussex n'a rien pour me consoler

Je me sens toute seule, abandonnée
Même si les gens m'ont entourée
Je sais que c'est seulement une fin de semaine
Mais je déteste ce parc, "Pomme de Pin"

Ici et là, une fleure agrandit
Mais ils vont mourir quand l'été finit
Toujours le ciel est clair
C'est pour plus que ça que moi j'espère

Du papier vide, un crayon dans ma main
Tu me manques, avec tes beaux cheveux
J'écris jusqu'à mon papier est plein
Je veux devenir perdue dans tes yeux.

Dans ce parc plein des gens contents
Où j'étais si heureuse dans mone enfance
Je peux seulement penser à toi, mon amour
Et le temps qu'on peut être ensemble encore

Je retournerai quand ce réunion de famille est finie
Pour te prendre dans mes bras et t'embrasse
On parlera de ce qu'on fera avec nos vies
Quond on est séparé, dans les différents places.

Je t'écris tout ça devant ma limonade
Sussex semble mort, mais chez nous je suis vivante
...Je t'aime...

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Anyway, I was going to whine about how stupid I am, but no one really wants to read that. Suffice to say, I am clearly incredibly stupid and shouldn't be here at all, and I'm not excited for this essay anymore.

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Definitely getting sick. I swear, if MM gave me her strep throat, I will be most displeased.

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So there's some interesting stuff in this pile of junk that I looked in to find that French poem, I think I'm going to go peruse it for a few minutes.

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Positivity

Because positivity is my... I don't know, something like a cross between a motto and a goal, here's a healthy dose of it:

I'm feeling really good about this next essay. I made a really, really good outline for it today, and for the first time this year I really feel like I'm writing about something new and original, out of my own head, and not influenced at all by lecture or tutorial or anything. The only problem is that it might be a little too speculative, but I think it should be okay. I have one good, strong point, and the rest, although not exactly completely supported by the text, is at least grounded in it. Anyway, I'm kind of excited to start writing it, which is always nice.

One great thing about being home is that I nearly always exercise when I'm here. So, having done that today, and realizing how good it feels, I'm feeling a lot more motivated to make myself do it once I get back in the city. I'm actually for serious this time. Really. Seriously. I'm gonna do it. This is it.

I'm starting to feel a lot better about next year. With the help of my mother, I've become a little more convinced that living in res is going to be alright. I guess I'll make new friends, or something. Or just go to meals at odd times when no one's there anyway, and then it won't be an issue. Pfah. I'm also a little less worried about courses. I figure I'll just go with my plan, and everything will turn out fine, one way or another. Surely, there's got to be something i can do with a degree in Early Modern Studies? I'll figure it out.

So I guess there's this "Summer Job Fair" at Dal on Friday. I figure I'll go over to that, even though I'm not sure it will do me any good. Looking at the list of employers that will be attending, I don't see anything that really interests me, and actually quite a lot of things that incredibly terrible, but there's some things that look alright, so I figure I'll go and see what it's about and put my name in at a few places. Knowing that I have a decent job for the summer would be nice.

One of the things on the list, though, was this program called Odyssey, working as an English Language assistant in schools in Quebec and New Brunswick. It's through the school year, not a summer thing, so it's not really an option for me for a few more years, but it does intrigue me, so I think it's something that I will keep in mind as an option for a while down the road.

Anyway, I guess that's it. Yay, positivity!
Another thing to add to my list of favourite things:

The view coming into Lunenburg, especially on cold winter mornings like this one. The hills were covered in frost and pale, pale green, the trees are bare and grey, with patches of white snow, and right in the middle of the sky line is the shape of the academy. And behind all this, injecting some colour, life, and imagination into the scene, the morning sky is a light pink.

I can't believe how lucky I am to live in such a beautful place. That being said though, I feel the need more and more lately to get out and see the world.

Which reminds me - maybe going to Montreal for a few days over reading week. Woo! Not getting my hopes up too much, because I don't want a repeat of last March break. Everyone else was going to Europe and New York and Mexico and all sorts of exciting places. I was at least supposed to go to Ottawa, but that sooo didn't end up happening. And then mom wouldn't even let me take Ms. Aliphat's suggestion and do something fun with my hair. *sigh* Worst week ever. Anyway. Hopefully things will work out better this time around.

As a side note, driving while it hurts to move one arm is really fun. Probably incredibly safe, too.

Monday, 4 February 2008

Man, Nyquil is the shit.

Last night, I was asleep in my bed. I woke up when someone violently slammed open my door. Upon opening my eyes, I found an angry man standing in my room with a gun pointed at me. He was about to pull the trigger. I tried and tried to scream, but couldn't get a noise out. Eventually, I realized this was because I was still asleep.

Nyquil: pros 2, cons 1

Sunday, 3 February 2008

So I just realized that I was knitting a sweater and listening to Iron Maiden.

Is this why people call me weird?

Haha, I'm so awesome.

Saturday, 2 February 2008

Two Random Thoughts From Yesterday and Favourite Things

In the process of trying to convince myself to get stuff done:

I'm never going to get this done because I always say that I can just do it tomorrow.

What if there is no tomorrow?

Well, then I don't want to spend my last day getting stuff done, do I? I want to spend it the way I spent today, having fun with the people I care about.

So, I'm kind of stuck now... if I convince myself that there's no tomorrow, I won't bother doing stuff because that's not what I want to do with my last day alive... but if there is a tomorrow, then I won't get anything done, because hey, I can do it tomorrow.

But really, does it matter if I ever get it done? At the end of my life, whenever that is, am I going to look back and be glad that I read books and wrote essays and knit sweaters and learned french and all that, or am I going to be glad that I spent as much time as possible doing things that made me happy? Maybe reading and writing essays and stuff should make me happy? I don't know.

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Also, a sentence that came up in a conversation:

"Everyone has their own ways of escaping reality."

It's true. So, obviously, if we're trying so hard to escape, that must mean that reality's pretty bad. What if, instead of putting our effort into escaping, we put it into making reality better?

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And, some things that I realized yesterday just how much I love them:

Going out for breakfast
Chilly but sunny days
Long walks at a leisurely pace
Skipping down the road in that certain cheesy manner that makes you feel like you're in an old movie
Painting stuff, apparently
Singing along to Great Big Sea, especially when drunk enough to actually sing
Cuddling

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Just for future reference, today was quite possibly the most awkward day ever.