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Monday, 27 October 2008

Missing you like crazy, day two.

Have I mentioned, also, that no one calls me Mouse anymore, and even though as we never really that attached to it as a nickname, it's weird that everyone used to call me it, and now no one does?

Or that the FYPers handed in their Augustine essays this morning? And nothing reminds me more of RC than the Augustine essay... and us sitting in the Wardy, talking on MSN so that we could make fun of the people with us without them knowing, and then her dragging me to the Manning room so I would get off Facebook and do some work, and then she had a nap and KT threw the bible at her, and then she was "helping" me finish my essay by basically doing it for me?

Or that Formal Meal is this week, and it does nothing but remind me of that Formal Meal last year when I started crying for no reason, and she walked me back to my room and made sure I was okay?

Or that it's the exact kind of rainy day on which we used to go jumping in puddles (and sometimes hug everyone in the entire school afterwards) and then go have showers and change clothes and then get back together and watch some sort of lame movie?

Or that ALL of the sheet music she left in the piano bench is gone, and it broke my heart when I found out?

Yeah, okay, I'm being a huge sapface, but SERIOUSLY.

Sunday, 26 October 2008

Excuses, excuses...

So, I haven't been blogging because I've been writing in my journal. There's far too much going on in my life just now, and I can't write about any of it here because the wrong people read this blog.

And really? My journal is the only one I can tell my shit to these days. All of the people I normally talk to about stuff falls into one of four categories:

a) They're one of the people involved in my situations.
b) They're way too close to the people involved in my situations. Not that I don't trust them, but things do slip. Mostly, it's because they're too involved to be impartial.
c) They're too far from the people involved. As in, don't know them at all. Yes, I have friends I can tell all my problems too, but they're not HERE, they don't know the people I'm talking about, they simply can't grasp quite how delicate the situation is.
d) The one person who has the exact right distance from everything, although willing to listen forever, heavily supports one side of my being in two minds about things, and fails to acknowledge the other one a reasonable course of thought/action in any way.

So that's where I'm at with life.

Anyway. I do have a post in the works to put here soon. And by in the works, I mean I haven't actually written anything yet, but it's pretty much all there in my head. It's a sort of self-reflection on myself, the past two months (especially the past two weeks) and a comparison with last year this time. It will likely also include quotations from one of my two new true loves, Blaise Pascal. Be excited.

My other new true love, btw, is Pete Yorn. Go listen. Right now. Especially the songs Ice Age and EZ. And all the others. Basically.

Anyway. In the abscence of actually posting, I am doing other stuff. For one thing, writing this kind of sort of post. Also, I added a blog list. Apparently there are only actually 7 blogs I read which I consider share-worthy. Two of those I discovered today, haha. Anyway, the point is, I would have guessed it to be more than seven. Apparently not. Oh well. They're there anyway. On the left. They're pretty neat. You should go read them.

In other news, missing people is weird. There are simply so many different ways of missing people, and there seems to be neither rhyme nor reason to which people are missed in which ways. Some people I miss constantly, as a sort of dull ache, regardless of how often I see/talk to them (LH & MM, mainly). Some people get an occassional twinge of being missed every few days, when something reminds me of them (T., MW, OLS, for example). Others, I can not talk to for days at a time and be fine, but other days I can miss them when I've just talked to them a few hours ago (JH, JB, ES, TM, a few others). And then finally, there's people who I barely think of for a few weeks, and then spend a whole day doing nothing but missing them like crazy.

This last category is dominated by RC. In fact, she is the only person I can think of who fits that one. Today was one of those days. I missed her at breakfast, when there was no one to play piano with. I missed her at lunch, when no one called me pathetic for sitting by myself. I missed her at dinner, when there was sundae bar, and she wasn't there to eat cereal in her ice cream. I missed her when I had hiccups, and she didn't say "Mouse! Stop squeaking!" I missed her because it's FYP Sunday, and all the first years are talking about how much of their essays are done, and she isn't here to nonchalantly mention that she hasn't started yet. I sent her an e-mail, even though I didn't have anything to say. I've been listening to "Mad World" all day, because really, there aren't that many tangible things which remind of her, and this happens to be one of them. Oh well. Maybe tomorrow I'll remember how to live without her. I'm not sure I want to.

That's about it. The only other news in my life is that I'm excited like crazy for next year.

Monday, 20 October 2008

I am so self-centered.

Sunday, 19 October 2008

Everything is way too complicated. I don't even know how to go about starting to get my life sorted out. I'm just really frustrated with everything right now.

In other news? I've been meaning to write an actual post for a bajillion years now. Several actual posts, actually. But I was too busy to get to it, so none of those posts got written at the appropriate time, and I don't care enough about any of them any more to write a post so far after the fact. I'll probably write something real sometime soonish, hopefully.

Saturday, 11 October 2008

I Love So Much

Things that I love today:

-Electric blankets
-Sleeping in (but not too much!)
-Non-scuzzy showers
-REAL FOOD.
-Not being in the city. As in, I can see trees. Lots of trees. And... they're all fall-coloured! Which is perfect.
-Fall decorations in my house. :)
-Sailing!
-Sunshine, ocean, wind, clouds
-Bickering. And arguing. And quarreling. And squabbling. And then some more bickering.
-Picking on friends
-Secretly laughing at clueless boys
-Group photos
-Having a whole floor of a restaurant to yourself
-Stealing french fries
-Taking (not-so-)sneaky pictures of people while they're eating
-Funmobiles!
-"Oom bop" dance parties (in funmobiles, of course)
-Fondue! <3
-My cat
-NASCAR announcers who accidentally say "breast awareness month" instead of "breast cancer awareness month"
-Planning visits to LH!!! <3<3<3 Just a little bit excited... okay maybe a lot :D

Friday, 10 October 2008

I hate that I always want to write here when I'm sad. Things are actually mostly good right now, but the bads are so much more tempting to write about.

Oh well. I guess I'll just say nothing, then, because I don't want to my blog to make me sound like a huge emo-face.

Thursday, 9 October 2008

I wish...

I wish any of my friends were the kind of people I could just call up and chat with for no other reason than because I'm bored and lonely.

I wish I didn't have so many problems to fix. Or that I at least knew how to fix them. Or, in some cases, that there was any solution.

I wish there weren't so many days that the best thing that happens is crossing the previous day off my calendar.

I wish a 'good week' wasn't defined as one where I only cried once or twice.

I wish LH was going home for Thanksgiving, so that there could be someone for me to look forward to seeing other than my cat.

I wish I had any sort of ambition to get my schoolwork done sooner and better and stop getting such bad marks.

I wish that a lot of the things that changed had stayed the same, and that a lot of the things that stayed the same had changed.

I wish people were okay with themselves, because I think that would make everything better.

I wish I was still okay myself today the way I was yesterday. Or this morning.

I wish it were last year.

I wish it were next year.

I wish this post wasn't so whiny.

I wish wishing weren't so useless.