I left at the end of the night torn between two strong feelings. I've been thinking a lot lately about what to do post-grad, and law school is standing out as an option I'm strongly considering. After that panel discussion, I felt on the one hand that "YES! This is what I want to do. I want to be involved in this; I want to make a difference." But at the same time, I was almost overwhelmed with feelings of "The problems are too big and no one will ever make a difference and the whole thing is futile" and basically I feel something akin to despair.
Tomorrow, I just hope I can make it through another three panel discussions and two movies without bursting into tears. That's actually a serious danger here.
Weary is a word I like to use to describe the way I feel when I feel the way I do tonight. My dictionary defines weary as "tired, exhausted, jaded; tiring; tedious." I define weary as "the tiredness experienced when one feels as though the weight of the world is on one's shoulders and one can do nothing but struggle onwards."
Between the hopelessness I feel about the plight of the world, the every day normal stress of school and living arrangements and decision making and job applications, and the exhaustion and frustration caused by my complete inability to fall asleep or stay asleep... tonight is a weary night.
On the bright side: Today I found inspiration, for the first time in a long, long time. I was afraid it might be gone forever. But today, I feel as though I could write again. This is a feeling I like.