Sunday, 17 April 2011

Sad day is sad.

It's been a long and difficult day.  The rain fell pretty steadily all morning.  It died down later on, but it was the kind of rainy day that made me want to curl up with a book and a blanket and do nothing but read (and maybe take a nap) all day long.  This wasn't an option, of course, because I had to write a paper.

This shouldn't have been such a big deal.  It's the very last paper I have to write in this degree.  I should have been able to buckle down, work hard for a while, and get it done as soon as possible so that I could curl up with a book at least for a little while.  The problem is that I didn't really like the class and I didn't really like any of the suggested topics or even any of the books we read in that class, but mostly the problem is that I just am so burnt out on right now that it's almost unbelievable.  So this paper has been incredibly difficult to write and it's not done yet and it's due tomorrow and I just want to go to bed.

That's not the worst, though.  In the grand scheme of things, writing one miserable little paper is a fairly minor problem.  One of my roommates moved out today and it is really not okay.  It's just... he was here and everything was normal and then a few hours later he was gone.  His room is empty.  And it made me realize that we've already had the last kitchen dance party and the last silly conversation and never again will he declare one of us to be "the weird one" for that day.  Yeah, we'll see him again before he moves to Ontario next month, and again at the end of August, and I know he'll be around for a while at Christmas, but it's just not the same.  The big gatherings will still happen now and then, but all of the little everyday sort of things, those precious important moments are never going to happen again.

And him moving out made me realize just how much I am going to miss absolutely everything.  I will miss this apartment, and I will miss this neighbourhood, and I will miss my university and I will miss just being an undergrad student.  I'm really not ready for this part of my life to be over yet.

I think the absolute worst part of it is that it's not happening all at once.  One of my friends already moved away a few days ago.  My roommate left today.  Another friend has a goodbye dinner planned for tomorrow.  I'll be leaving later in the week.  My roommate who moved out today flies out to Ontario in two weeks' time.  Graduation is in a month so there will be another round of goodbyes then.  My other roommate is moving across the world in a few months' time.  At the end of summer there will be even more people leaving.  It's just going to be a big long stretch of goodbyes forever and it's going to keep breaking my heart over and over again and I dread having to go through it.

It didn't help that some of my other friends rubbed salt in the wounds by wanting to hang out tonight.  Tonight of all nights, I especially wanted to cling to these last precious moments... but I've got this paper I have to write.

There are happy things happening right now, too, though, so more on that soon... tonight is just a night for being sad.

1 comment:

Bob D. said...

Sad, indeed. I've been through so many of these kinds of transitions, and I always feel deeply sad while they're unfolding. The sense of nostalgia never quite goes away for me. Then there are new experiences and new relationships, followed by more letting go and moving on...

Life is a rollercoaster ride, especially for the sensitive and open-hearted. Hang on...