Gnomes at Night

New Things

2011-09-28T21:47:00.000-03:00

I like this house. I like that when I come inside I get to go upstairs instead of down. I like the enormous windows in my room. I like the way the late afternoon sun shines through them and gives me a couple hours of cheery warmth and light during peak homework time. I like the cast iron radiators that remind me of the house we lived in for a couple months when I was four. I like the piano in the dining room. I like the backyard and the little deck and the clothesline and my birdfeeder. I'm even learning to like the peculiar music of the squeaky creaky staircase.

I like this neighbourhood. I like the cats who sunbathe on our deck. I like how many people in the area have dogs. I like the sound of my neighbour's kids playing outside most afternoons. I like the delicious aroma that drifts over from the Ben's bakery down the street. I like hearing all the different church bells ring on Sunday mornings, creating the comforting small town feel of home.

I like this song.

I like the way it twines itself around my brain. I like the way I find myself drumming my fingers to the melody. I like the way those haunting lyrics show up in my thoughts when I'm not expecting them.

Change of season

2011-09-17T22:32:00.000-03:00

Three nights ago I awoke, sweating, the oppressive humidity clinging to me even after I had thrown off the blankets. I staggered, half-asleep, to crack open the window, the cool air recalling distant days of dragging blankets off my bed to make a soft nest where I could lie in front of the fan, gaining enough reprieve from the heat to drift back to sleep. It was the heat of summer, of childhood.

The following night I fell asleep to the sound of rain, falling gently but steadily, washing everything away - the humidity, the stress, the loneliness - cleaning the palette for a fresh start. I awoke next morning to the bluster of the winds of change as they blew a new world in through my windows.

This morning I awoke shivering, clutching the blankets closer and seeking warmth in the forgetfulness of sleep. I was forced to give in, closing the windows again, and pulling on a fall sweater to run some morning errands. Living my grown-up life in my grown-up clothes, I thought with a sigh of the childhood heat, regretting, as always, the reality of autumn.

Phantom Summer

2011-08-09T15:15:00.000-03:00

OH. Oh hey. Hi! Erm. How do I write one of these, again? Hmm. Words. Okay. Here goes.

I'm not sure exactly what happened to this summer. I'm still not entirely convinced, despite the insistence of every calendar I've looked at, that this summer actually happened. I really haven't done enough this summer for it to be almost over already (Note to self: never move back into my parents' basement again. Bad plans).

Fortunately, I lucked into a summer job that only lasted fourteen weeks, meaning that I'm completely free to do as I please for the rest of the summer. I am pretty determined not to let it go to waste. To fill the spaces between a camping trip, jumping out of an airplane, and a hopefully a few beaches days if the rain ever lets up, I'm going to attempt to spit out enough words for Camp NaNoWriMo, finally finish that sweater I've been knitting for the past three years, and do an awful lot of running.

And yet I still want more things to fill my time with. This just isn't cutting it.

Changing Landscapes

2011-07-09T15:52:00.000-03:00

One of the strange things about being at home after not living here for so long is seeing all of the places that I used to haunt but don't usually see when I'm only home for shorter visits over Christmas or on weekends.

The first few years that I was at university I used to play "find what's changed in the house" every time I came home. Since we only moved the summer before I moved out, it took my parents a while to get things unpacked and arranged, and buy new things to fill the new space, so there was actually something new and different on almost every visit. This has slowed down now, though, so usually the changes, if there are any, are fairly minor.

The other fun game I'm used to playing is "see which stores have closed out of the mall." This time it was CD Plus. Since the Wal-Mart was built when I was in high school, and a lot more big box stores have moved in near it, a lot of the stores have either followed them up there or gone out of business. I feel like someday I'll come back and the mall itself will have vanished, leaving nothing but an empty parking lot for a town that's becoming more and more dependent on car culture.

Those are the usual games, but this time I'm getting to explore things in a more in-depth way. Today I drove the road that was my route to and from school for six years, which I hadn't seen in at least two or three years. A patch of forest has turned into two houses. A barn near my old home had been repainted from a light grey to a dark burgundy red, and it caught my attention so much that I nearly drove off the road. Another house had been repainted, and I realized that I can't even say what colour it was before. It was that familiar. Just part of the landscape; not noteworthy until something was changed. It's been interesting to rediscover my familiar landscapes, and being startled into truly noticing for the first time in ages.

Happiness is...

2011-06-08T23:15:00.000-03:00

Cruising down the highway listening to the sweet sounds of Meaghan Smith from the stereo.

Leaving the pool, refreshed and relaxed, stepping out into the cool misty evenings we've had for much of the past month.

The chorus of spring peepers that strikes up almost every evening here, particularly when heard from my living room through the open deck door.

The series of flowers that have graced our dining room table, including these:

and these:

among others.

Looking up at the sky and being able to see a whole sky full of stars.

Sitting around a campfire with good friends not seen often enough.

Summer

2011-05-27T22:59:00.000-03:00

For the past month I've been taking a rather extended break from just about all of the things I usually do. It was nice, but I've finally gotten bored, and so I've slowly been returning to my usual activities, and today was the day it was time to return to the blog.

I've moved back home with my parents for the summer, and it's wonderful and terrible at the same time. It's so much more peaceful at home. I'm appreciating having a bit of a break from the city. It's nice to be somewhere that has trees and stars and birds and many other things that I love. At the same time, I miss my roommates, and I miss having more than two friends in the area, and I miss being in walking distance of everything. It's also frustrating to return to life at home after being independent for the past four years.

On the bright side, I am experiencing unprecedented levels of job satisfaction. I never dreamed that I could enjoy a summer job as much as I do this one. It's difficult in a lot of ways because there's a lot of interaction with strangers and using the phone and pretending to be an expert on things I've heard of, all of which are things I find stressful, but it's only been three and a half weeks and I can already notice myself getting better at them. I'm really enjoying how much freedom we have to push the job in different directions, and there have been a few times this week that I've been gratified to feel as though I've actually, really, helped people, and I love that. A lot of contentment about this job. Some days it just seems ridiculous that they actually pay us to do this.

I graduated last week, which is just a strange thing to have done. It's funny; I keep expecting to feel like things have changed and that all of a sudden I'm going to turn into a real grown-up just because I have a university degree and that section of my life is over, but of course nothing's changed. Or rather, things have changed, but not all at once. Things have changed and things are continuing to change but I probably won't realize how much until September when I move on to the next part of my life. In some ways it feels as though I've put everything on pause for this summer, and that when I go back to Halifax in the fall I'll find that everyone else has just been frozen in time for four months and I'll just slip easily back into my old routine and my old place in the world and everything will go on as it always has.

I think I need to find ways to "un-pause" and make it feel as though time is actually passing. That will be something to work on.

Sad day is sad.

2011-04-17T22:53:00.002-03:00

It's been a long and difficult day. The rain fell pretty steadily all morning. It died down later on, but it was the kind of rainy day that made me want to curl up with a book and a blanket and do nothing but read (and maybe take a nap) all day long. This wasn't an option, of course, because I had to write a paper.

This shouldn't have been such a big deal. It's the very last paper I have to write in this degree. I should have been able to buckle down, work hard for a while, and get it done as soon as possible so that I could curl up with a book at least for a little while. The problem is that I didn't really like the class and I didn't really like any of the suggested topics or even any of the books we read in that class, but mostly the problem is that I just am so burnt out on right now that it's almost unbelievable. So this paper has been incredibly difficult to write and it's not done yet and it's due tomorrow and I just want to go to bed.

That's not the worst, though. In the grand scheme of things, writing one miserable little paper is a fairly minor problem. One of my roommates moved out today and it is really not okay. It's just... he was here and everything was normal and then a few hours later he was gone. His room is empty. And it made me realize that we've already had the last kitchen dance party and the last silly conversation and never again will he declare one of us to be "the weird one" for that day. Yeah, we'll see him again before he moves to Ontario next month, and again at the end of August, and I know he'll be around for a while at Christmas, but it's just not the same. The big gatherings will still happen now and then, but all of the little everyday sort of things, those precious important moments are never going to happen again.

And him moving out made me realize just how much I am going to miss absolutely everything. I will miss this apartment, and I will miss this neighbourhood, and I will miss my university and I will miss just being an undergrad student. I'm really not ready for this part of my life to be over yet.

I think the absolute worst part of it is that it's not happening all at once. One of my friends already moved away a few days ago. My roommate left today. Another friend has a goodbye dinner planned for tomorrow. I'll be leaving later in the week. My roommate who moved out today flies out to Ontario in two weeks' time. Graduation is in a month so there will be another round of goodbyes then. My other roommate is moving across the world in a few months' time. At the end of summer there will be even more people leaving. It's just going to be a big long stretch of goodbyes forever and it's going to keep breaking my heart over and over again and I dread having to go through it.

It didn't help that some of my other friends rubbed salt in the wounds by wanting to hang out tonight. Tonight of all nights, I especially wanted to cling to these last precious moments... but I've got this paper I have to write.

There are happy things happening right now, too, though, so more on that soon... tonight is just a night for being sad.

An Update on that Decision Thing

2011-04-03T11:30:00.001-03:00

I realized as I was posting the other day that I never really gave an update on the outcome of the events of one of my most recent posts. So, here it is.

The (almost-but-maybe-not-quite) final decision on next year is this: I'm staying in Halifax. I'm going to Dal.

The reason I applied to other schools was because the way I would like things to go, ideally, is to get away from this place now and have wonderful adventures elsewhere, and then come back in three years and spend the rest of my life in the Maritimes. Except that at the same time three years seems like a really long time to commit to living somewhere else. (I'm kind of a pansy about big scary life changes. Shhhh, don't tell anyone.)

The problem with this, though, is that with law school it's generally recommended to go to school where you want to work because there are a lot of opportunities for networking and a lot of job interviews are done on campus and blah blah blah. Apparently this is especially true for the Maritimes because a lot of Ontario kids come out here, article for a year, and then go back where they came from, which makes employers distrustful of those who didn't commit to living here for three years.

So, in order to achieve my long term goals, and to get the best of both worlds on moving away and not moving away, my plan is to stay here for school, but to plan things around doing at least one semester on exchange. That way I get the adventure, but without all the commitment and major life upheaval.

My Favourite Box

2011-04-01T22:24:00.000-03:00

This box arrived today:

This is my favourite box. It's from my grandfather's church, and it arrives around this time each year. Members of their congregation can submit the addresses of their children or grandchildren who are away at university, and then they send off this nice little exam-time package.

It has about the same things every year: a variety of granola bars, some hot chocolate, a few packages of microwave popcorn, one package of Mr. Noodles, some Easter candy, maybe a few other snacks, a $5 Tim Horton's gift card, some school supplies, and my favourite part: homemade chocolate chip cookies.

It's really not much; certainly nothing I couldn't easily get for myself with 15 minutes and 15 dollars. But the thing is, I wouldn't. I would never go to the store and buy these things; instead I would wander around the kitchen for ten minutes looking for food and end up eating a few crackers or something. Now I have enough snack food to get me through the end-of-semester push no problem.

It's just such a nice gesture. I don't even know anyone at my grandfather's church, and even though they do these packages for lots of people, it always makes me feel loved. (It also doesn't hurt that packages are pretty much always exciting, especially since I always forget about it every time April rolls around, and so I'm just as surprised by it each year.)

This year there were two more surprises: as you can see, one of the hot chocolate packets is a gourmet chocolate chai, which I'm really excited about. Also, the school supplies this year included a stapler in addition to the usual pens and pencils. Sending out staplers seems like an odd thing to do, but I actually just happened to need one, and this particular one is a beautiful shiny green that will make me smile every time I use it.

It's a little thing, this box, but it brings a lot of joy into my life at this otherwise generally unpleasant time of year.

Oh hai.

2011-03-16T21:01:00.000-03:00

I guess I've been gone for a while, but hey look, here I am!

I'm feeling somewhat short on words, actually, but hey look, here's a picture:

I made apple pie for pi(e) day. As you can see, the crust burnt a bit, which set off our ridiculously sensitive smoke detector, which caused me to burn my thumb as I was taking it out of the oven. Then as I was about to cut into it I realized that I had forgotten to put the butter in it... I'll admit that I was really very grumpy about the whole ordeal. All things considered, it's not awful. In an unrelated incident, I made banana coconut ice cream, which was a far greater success. Kind of an odd combination of flavours with the pie, though, so I'm not sure I'll be eating them together again.

Should I stay or should I go

2011-02-19T17:19:00.002-04:00

I've known since November that I had until March 1st to make a decision on which law school to attend. I was starting to get concerned that I only had a few weeks left and I still didn't know which option to choose. I want to take charge of my life and make a decision all on my own that I feel good about, and I was hoping I'd be able to figure it out by then.

On Wednesday I received an email from the school that set the March 1st deadline, bumping it up to February 21st at 9 a.m. Less than five days notice. Less than two days left now, and I still haven't got a clue.

Basically, the decision I have to make right now is Dal or not-Dal. I can decide between McGill and UVic later, if I even get into McGill, but it's now or never on the Dalhousie front.

This is the single hardest decision I've ever had to make in my entire life and I just. don't. know. I have no idea what I want to do. No idea. There are good things and bad things about either option, and I don't know which one is better.

I am really unhappy about this.

So long, old friend.

2011-02-16T22:40:00.000-04:00

This is Sofia. She is my bag.

I've had Sofia for a long time. It's been close to six years now that she's been hanging out with me. I finally gave in to my mom's insistences last year and retired her to the closet, replacing her with a newer and shinier model.

She was a staple of my adolescence. She accompanied me on all my adventures - at beaches, parks, playgrounds, the mall. She served as purse, picnic basket, and bookbag. That girl can carry a lot of books.

In the inventory and purge that I've been conducting recently, I finally hit the section of my closet that is home to miscellaneous bags. There was Sofia, waiting for me like an old friend. Sadly, I just can't justify letting her hang in the closet any more. She's more than a little worn out, and no, those stains don't come out any more.

I'm sad to see her go, but it's time. And I am saving a little bit of her, hard though it was to cut into my precious girl. The section of material under her pocket managed to remain unstained and intact. It's going to be tucked away into my craft basket, where it will eventually become part of... something.

This was my bag. She was Sofia.

Reverb11: February

2011-02-11T14:25:00.000-04:00

One month into 2011, what question(s) are you living? Are there any prompts/questions that arose during #reverb10 that are still resonating in your life? Are you living new questions?

There are only a few questiona from #reverb10 that really stuck with me. The most important one is from day 11, about things I don't need in my life. As I’ve mentioned already, several of those have influenced my New Year’s resolutions and the things that I’m trying to change in my life this year.

The other is the second prompt, on writing. I write at 750 words every day now; I have written every day this year. Even when I feel like I have nothing to say and even if I did I wouldn't know how to say it, I still write.

Most of the questions I've been living are new ones, and most of them have to do with how I devote my time and which decisions I choose to make and which life I choose to live. I ask myself many many times a day "is this really what I want to be doing with my time?" If the answer is no, I follow up with "Is this something I need to be doing with my time?" If the answer is still no, I stop doing it. Well... usually, anyway. I'm not perfect.

I also ask myself questions like "If I had to explain to someone what I did today in any amount of detail, how would I feel about the answer I would have to give?" If the answer is something like "embarrassed by how little I did" or "disgusted by how much junk food I ate," I do my best to salvage whatever remains of the day.

I've found myself asking, frequently, "What am I passionate about? What do I want to do with my life?" I don't have answers to these ones yet. I never seem to get any closer to answers, either, but I keep asking. I wouldn't want to get complacent and settle for something less if I didn't have to.

Halfway

2011-02-05T15:55:00.000-04:00

I feel, lately, as though I've been doing things by half. I have all these projects laying around, started but never finished. They've not been given up on, but they sure look abandoned. I just don't have the itch to work on anything consistently lately.

In my room right now, I have:

- A mess of half-finished homework on my bed

- A half-written letter to my penpal

- A pile of books and papers on the floor, only half put away

- A half-read book and a half-filled journal

- A half-knit sweater

You'll have to take my word on these last ones, but:

- There's a paper sitting on my hard drive which is finished aside from the introduction and conclusion

- As I write this, I am halfway through formatting a set of minutes

- I am paused halfway through an episode of Doctor Who because I just hit the Megavideo limit

Until a moment ago, I also had a half-written blog post. When I started writing this, I was frustrated by all the half-finished things around me, but I’ve mellowed out toward them since then. Sure, I should probably actually finish some of my homework at some point, and that letter really needs to get sent off because I’m horrendously late with it, and the sweater is frustrating because it’s been half-finished for so. freaking. long.

But that’s okay. Because I think this is life. Always being halfway through something is how this thing works. If I were finished everything, that would be sad. And impossible. And dead.

So I’m going to go finish some half-finished projects. But I’ll start new ones before I get them all done. I’ve just got to try to avoid letting them pile up too much.

101 in 1001: The Last Update

2011-02-01T22:13:00.001-04:00

I have removed the tab for my 101 in 1001 list from where it used to live in the bar beneath the banner.

As I mentioned a while ago, I was beginning to lose interest in quite a few of the items on my list. Part of this is because I foolishly put a number of things on the list that were just things I had to do anyway. Part of it is because I ran out of ideas and begin perusing other peoples lists, which led to adding 10 or 15 things which seemed really interesting at the time, but quickly lost my interest. Part of it is because I am wishy-washy and ever-changing, and many of the things I thought I wanted to do a year ago no longer spark any interest in my life.

The list served its purpose while it lasted, but it's time for it to go. It hasn't been updated in months. I can't even remember the last time I opened the excel version of it to update it for my personal records. It's done.

There are a few things on the list that I still want to accomplish, but they'll get done. Several of the smaller ones have made their way into my New Year's Resolutions, and several of the larger ones have made it onto my Life List. Eventually, I will accomplish all of the things that it is important for me to accomplish.

For now, I'm going to forge ahead with my New Year's Resolutions, which, so far, I am only failing a little bit (there's this one about junk food...), and slowly make my way toward my life goals.

All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.

2011-01-25T11:56:00.001-04:00

I grew up on Tolkien. When I was young, my mom used to read to my brother and me in the evenings, and The Hobbit was one of the ones I recall quite clearly. Unfortunately, my poor auditory learning skills lead me to imagine hobbits as something much closer to large gophers than smell men, but that mistake was soon remedied when I re-read the book for myself a few years later.

My grade six teacher gave us reading projects from a list. The list one hundred different projects listed on it, each one with a different point value. They ranged from re-writing the ending to keeping a journal for one of the characters to building a diorama of a scene. We could pick any book (with teacher approval), and do any project we liked for it, as long as the points added up to 100 for each book, and we didn't repeat one project for multiple books. We would do several books over the course of the year.

When my brother was in grade six, he used The Lord of the Rings for at least one of his books. Everyone was so impressed that he was reading such difficult books at such a young age. Academics is about the only area where there has ever been competition between my brother and I; outside of that, we share very few interests and skills. When I was in grade six, I also read The Lord of the Rings.

Fortunately for me, I accomplished this just in time. It was during the next three years, the duration of my junior high years, that the movies came out. Of course, this only served to feed my enthusiasm for all things Middle Earth. Those were the golden years of fandom. Everyone loved Lord of the Rings and it was a beautiful and wonderful thing for us all to share.

I re-read the books in junior high and again in high school. I haven't had a chance in the last few years, but I did re-read The Hobbit for the book club my friends and I briefly had, read a copy of The Tolkien Reader that I found at the thrift store, and make yet another half-hearted attempt at The Silmarillion.

In the past few weeks, casting confirmations for The Hobbit have been trickling out, and what a slippery slope they are leading me down. There are so many tumblrs out there dedicated to The Lord of the Rings. I keep looking at pictures from the movies and making my heart hurt for nostalgia for the days when it was all Middle Earth all the time. And oh, the cast interviews! I love this one with the four hobbit actors - so adorable, and so hilarious. I really really wish I had twelve hours to spare, because I haven't seen the movies in ages, and I've never seen the extended editions, and and and...

Basically, in the amount of time I've spent drooling over fan sites in the past few days, I could have watched at least one of the movies instead. This realization has lead to a new addition to my wall:

Gandalf the Wise, indeed. Back to work now. No more tumblrs. Maybe I can spare the time over reading week.

Stuck

2011-01-19T17:26:00.000-04:00

One of my many New Year's Resolutions was to publish to this blog twice a week. My plan was to try and do it every Monday and Friday (my "bonus" days off due to my fantastic class schedule). I've been trying to write an entry since Monday morning, and I still don't have anything.

The reverb10 experience made this blog into something it isn't usually, and as I wrote in my wrap-up post to that, I liked telling stories and being a little more personal and sincere, rather than my usual banality. That is something I would like to keep up here, but I am having a really hard time producing that kind of content of my own volition. I'm going to work on it, and hopefully by Friday I'll have come up with something. For today, my very sincere story is about how I've been trying and failing to write serious blog posts with real content to them.

Resolutions

2011-01-14T11:24:00.000-04:00

I am one of those people who always makes resolutions, but never keeps them particularly well. I'm quite determined for this year to be different. Which means I have to change how I go about it.

One of the "future tools" attached to the later reverb10 prompts was Chris Guillebeau's How to Conduct Your Own Annual Review, which I found incredibly helpful. I think in spreadsheets. My goals for the year are all put into nice little categories. I have a tab for each month to keep track of weekly and monthly goals, I have deadlines set for non-ongoing goals, and I have a master tab to keep track of my success rates on all fronts.

I'm also coming at it with a different attitude. Several of my goals are to do things x times per week or month, and those are the sorts of things that usually defeat me. This year, I'm not going to ask myself for 100% perfection. I will aim for 100, but if I come out of the year with a 75%+ success rate on these ones, I will be content.

My resolutions were pretty heavily influenced by my response to the reverb10 prompt on 11 things my life doesn't need this year. I'm dropping #6 Perfectionism from the way I measure success. I've got resolutions to counteract #4 Laziness, #5 Loneliness, and #11 Clutter.

I won't list all my resolutions here, because there are a lot of them, but I they fall into the categories of Health, Friends and Family, Clutter, Writing, Crafting, Music, Happiness, Money Management, and Miscellaneous. Some of the most interesting ones are:

The aforementioned inventory and purge

Read 25 books from my to-read list

Bake twice a month

Listen to The Vinyl Café once a month

Cook from 20 different world cuisines

I've already been making good progress on quite a few of my resolutions, though I expect this will slow down within a few weeks, once reality kicks in and I have to start doing actual school work. Ah well.

Reverb10 Wrap-up

2011-01-11T13:29:00.003-04:00

Yeah, so this is a little late, seeing as we're into the second week of January already, but here it is.

The final prompt for the month was entitle Core Story, and read as follows:

What central story is at the core of you, and how do you share it with the world? (Bonus: Consider your reflections from this month. Look through them to discover a thread you may not have noticed until today.)

The central story bit is a bit new-agey for me. If I had to give an answer it would be that I don't know what my central story is yet because it's still being told and I'm not sure what direction it's going to take.

The bonus question, however, is a-okay. I'd say probably the main thread in my responses, especially the later ones, and including this one, is my refusal to respond to prompts properly. I'm not sure why I struggled so much to do some of them, but that is the way it went.

I actually don't even really want to respond to the bonus question. Forget that. I just want to do an overall review of how I felt about the month. I enjoyed it as a whole because it brought out a more personal, coherent side to my writing that I confess doesn't show itself frequently on this blog. I tend to write posts that go something like "here is a list of things I've done recently" or "here are a few jumbled-up paragraphs about things I've been thinking about lately." Reverb10 gave my posts some order and consistency. It brought out stories and coherent reflections.

In other ways, the project had a pretty big influence. My response to the 11 Things prompt has affected my plans and resolutions for 2011. Reverb10 also got me started on using 750 Words, which resulted in me writing 35 of the last 42 days, and making progress on a story I've been trying to get out for a year and a half.

I also enjoyed building community, however small (shout-out to Kim and Bob). The daily prompts got to be a little bit overwhelming as the month went on, however, especially when trying to read and discover and comment on other people's posts as well. That is my only complaint about the month, well, aside from the fact that I apparently didn't like as many prompts as I thought I would.

Overall, it was a good experience. I'm glad I did it. This is the final post I will write for it. The end.

Inventory

2011-01-07T22:04:00.003-04:00

One of my New Year's resolutions this year is to take an inventory of my belongings, and purge at least 10% of them, preferably by the time I move out of this apartment. I'm hoping this will serve multiple purposes:

1) getting rid of 10% of my stuff, thus reducing the amount of clutter in my small room/stuff I have to drag with me when I move possibly far far away

2) forcing myself to go through everything means that when I'm done everything should be more neatly organized

3) reminding myself what I have so that I don't go out and by more things that I don't need/continue to add to my toothpaste collection

I've already started in on it because I'm super keen on this particular resolution, and so far I've inventoried 247 items, 81 of which I've gotten rid of. That's more than triple my target percentage! But I know it will only get lower from here, because I've mostly gone through things like clothes and jewellery, which I'm far more willing to part with than the things I have yet to inventory, such as books and dishes.

The unexpected thing that this project has forced upon me is that I'm also taking another type of inventory. I find myself taking stock of which memories, attachments, and emotions I'm still holding onto, and which ones I'm ready to start letting go of. Disposing of the physical reminders of these things means that I'm relying solely on my memory to keep them with me, which means eventually I will forget them. There were a lot of things I was ready to let go. There were some things I was not.

For example, when I found this necklace in the bottom of my jewellery box, I thought "I never wear this. I can't even remember the last time I wore it. It's been years. I could get rid of this." The flash of memories from the day it was first pressed into my hand, and the accompanying lump in my throat as I stretched my hand toward the 'discard' pile, disagreed with this diagnosis. The necklace is back in my jewellery box, where it belongs.

The once-treasured Reel Big Fish scarf hiding at the back of my closet led me to discover that they put out a new album two years ago, and I had no idea! I'm listening to it now to make up for lost time. After that, I'm going to listen to their live album to see if I can still sing every word and speak every piece of dialogue along with them. I really thought I could have let this one go, but it somehow ended up around my neck instead of in the pile. I guess I'm holding on for a while longer.

Going Back (Again)

2011-01-04T13:34:00.002-04:00

I have a lot of things I want to write about: a reverb10 wrap-up, the holidays, my New Year's resolutions, etc. Today, however, is the very last day of Christmas break. I don't understand how that happened. The whole three weeks feel like they just flew by me. I didn't get any of the work done that I meant to, and I'm sort of panicked about how that's going to go in the next few days. I don't want to go back to the city, I don't want to go to class, I don't want to do homework.

Every single semester, from second year onward, I've been hit with a huge case of the "don't wannas" about having to go back. After three years of this, I've figured out that when I let myself convince myself that it's going to be awful, it turns out to be awful. So, to prevent awfulness, I started listing the good things that I'm excited to go back to. This semester, the list looks something like this:

1) My mug. I have this enormous mug that I painted at Clay Café a few years back. It's black with fall-coloured leaves on it, and it's big and round and completely fills up my hands. It is my absolute favourite mug. When I get back to my apartment tomorrow, I'm going to put on the kettle, open the cupboard door, and my mug is going to be sitting there, loyal treasure that it is, saying "welcome home."

2) Roommate parties. I love seeing friends who are away and come home over Christmas, but it is so weird not to see the people I live with. I'm excited to see them.

3) Seeing other Hali-friends that I haven't seen for the past month, too!

4) Leaving the house on a daily basis. I don't even want to talk about the proportion of days I spent sitting inside over the break. I'm sure once I get back I'll start complaining about having to walk to and from class in the freezing cold, but the fresh air will do me good.

5) Swing dance. It is one of the things in my life that just fills me with joy whenever I do it. I missed a few weeks at the end of last semester because I was just too busy, and then it was the holidays, so it's been a while. I'm excited to get back at it.

6) Skating on the Canada Games oval. Every year my friends and I take our skates back with us after Christmas break, intending to go skating at the arena, and every year they get sent home, unused, in the spring. This year, I'm hoping that the super-cool outdoor oval will be motivation enough to actually go, at least a couple times.

7) No more TV. My parents watch TV most evenings, and I actually like a lot of the shows they watch, but oh my good gracious. It is so hard to do ANYTHING else when that thing is going. It is so distracting. I am so pumped to get back to watching my two shows a week on the internet and not having the damn thing melting my brain all the time.

Photo

2010-12-29T23:28:00.000-04:00

Recently, Christmas has been happening. Travelling has been happening. Friendsing has been happening. Shopping has been happening.

Blogging has not been happening. Reverb10ing has not been happening. 750wordsing has not been happening either.

In the next week or so, there are a lot of things that need to and/or are going to happen. Taking my brother back to the airport tomorrow will happen. New Year's Eve will happen. Playing my new piano music will happen. Playing Mario with my mom on her new Wii will happen. Formatting two sets of a minutes needs to happen; working on my honours thesis should happen; packing to go back to Halifax will happen.

I find myself with seven missed reverb10 prompts, and two more to go. I can't do everything. There just isn't time. I'm going to skip some prompts and focus on the ones I find more inspiring. So, I'm moving past a couple of other ones and tackling the one from Christmas day.

Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and what it best reveals about you.

It was raining that night: no great surprise, in this city. From our basement apartment where the windows are either high or small and covered with blinds that can't be raised, it is so difficult to tell what the weather is doing. All I could tell it was raining, and they'd been calling for a lot of rain, so I assumed it must be a downpour out there.

It was that mid-evening time when I tend to be tired of doing homework but not yet done, and not yet tired in general. It's that time of evening that my roommates and I tend to all end up in the common areas of our apartment by frequently-occurring coincidence. As we finished the night's shenanigans and prepared to return to our respective rooms and our respective academic sorrows, I glanced longingly up at the tiny living room window, seeing the drops of water gathered on it.

"Do you think I could go outside and dance in the rain?"

Roomie J assured me that this seemed like a not unreasonable thing to do.

I paused contemplatively. "Do you think I could dance in the rain in a dress?"

This one earned me a sceptical look. "You know it's November, right?"

I did know that. I wasn't planning to stay out too long, though, just enough for a bit of a romp.

I skittered into my room and re-emerged after a few minutes. "Do you think I could dance in the rain in this dress?"

"Ha. You chose that one because it would dry quickly, right?"

It's true that it was a nice heavy weight fabric, and didn't have too much to get wet in the first place. All that was just an added bonus, though. "No... when I looked in my closet this one sparkled."

I slipped on a pair of flats and scampered up the stairs and into the night. By this time I had Roomie J intrigued enough for her to grab a camera and follow me out. It actually wasn't downpouring at all but just barely sprinkling. I was disappointed by this wimpy weather in my normally wet city, but was too far invested in the adventure to turn back now. I performed a few silly dance moves and spins while Roomie J shot a few pictures, before rushing back in for my sweatpants and a hot chocolate because it was, as she'd pointed out, November.

This is a picture of myself as I'd like to be more often. Spontaneous. Impractical. Unafraid.

Future Self and Travel

2010-12-22T15:02:00.001-04:00

Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?)

I feel as though I've been belligerent about several of the most recent prompts, but, well, I'm not doing this one either.

Actually that's a lie. I did do this one. Then I re-read it and realized that what I wrote had nothing to do with how I imagine myself in five years, but was simply a collection of all the reassurances I would like to hear now. So I started over, and really tried to imagine myself five years from now, but I just couldn't do it. I have no idea who/what/where I want to be. I came up with absolutely nothing. So I'm going to pass on this one.

I tried to do the bonus question too, but it was equally unsuccessful. There was nothing I could tell my past self. Past self gets by pretty well and present self is content with the way things turned out. There is nothing I would ask past self to change. Besides, I wouldn't want to spoil the surprises. I would never forgive myself. I love surprises too much.

How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

Heyyy look at this prompt! I can and will answer it, gladly.

How did I travel this year? Mostly by foot. I walked to and from campus every day that I had class. I walked to and from work every weekday this summer. I walked to the grocery store, the drug store, and every other store I had to visit. I walked to appointments. I walked to friends' houses, restaurants, festivals, the library, the bank. On sunny summer Saturday mornings, I walked to the farmer's market, and my favourite coffee shop, and then the thrift store on the way home. Sometimes I even walked to or home from the mall, which is far enough to usually be a bus trip. My friends and I went on our annual camping trip, where we walked six kilometres into the woods with our gear. This year, I walked.

I travelled by bus occasionally, mostly in the winter semester when I had an evening class and by the time I left it was cold and dark and my desire to be at home with a mug of hot chocolate far outweighed my desire to not be on the bus.

I was in cars now and then as well, mostly on trips home, but sometimes when friends from out of town who have cars came to visit.

Also of note, I travelled by plane for the first time ever, when my parents and I went to visit my brother in May.

As for next year, I'd like to keep travelling in more or less the same ways. If I live somewhere that actually has bike storage, I'd like to have a bike. It's like walking, but faster! I would also really like to take a train trip across Canada, but that might not be in the cards for next year.

Beyond Avoidance

2010-12-20T23:03:00.000-04:00

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

This year, I should have written more. I should have exercised more. I should have cleaned more often. I should have spent more time with friends. I should have called my parents more often. I should have studied harder, eaten healthier, laughed louder, and taken more chances. Causes: worry, busyness, laziness.

Mostly, I should have dealt with interpersonal problems instead of being passive-aggressive about them or just being bitter and never speaking to people again. Main cause of this problem: fear.

As for the bonus question: I will do my best to do all of these things, but I only have so much time, energy, and courage. I'll make what improvements I can, and those I can't will wait for another year.

Try and Healing

2010-12-19T14:32:00.000-04:00

Another reverb10 double-up, since I didn't have time yesterday.

What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did/didn’t go for it?

Next year I want to try:

Law school

Communicating properly with people

Spontaneity

Doing things that are impractical, because I'm just so sick of always choosing the most responsible options, instead of the things I really want

I set out for this year with the goal of trying new things in general, and I didn't really do as much of that as I would have liked. I guess I tried new things in the kitchen, mostly, which was generally successful.

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?

To be honest, I take issue with this prompt. It demands that I had to be broken or damaged or wounded in some way, and I really don't think that I was. Maybe I'm just a pretentious jerk and don't realize that there's something wrong with me, or maybe I'm just too young and privileged to have been damaged yet, but one way or the other, I'm just not feeling it.

I am a whole and complete person. I am not broken. I did not need healing.

Lesson Learned

2010-12-17T22:18:00.003-04:00

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

I learned, this year, that I run away too much. If there's a problem, especially a problem that involves interaction with another person, I tend to do everything in my power to pretend like the problem doesn't exist.

It doesn't work. I can deny and repress as much as I like, but it never helps. Avoiding problems doesn't fix them. A lot of the time it makes them worse.

I need to stop doing this. I need to learn the art of confrontation. And communication.

Friendship

2010-12-16T21:35:00.001-04:00

How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst?

I've been turning this prompt over in my mind all day. I've started to write and stopped again about five times. I'm just not coming up with a good answer to it. I have friends who have changed me, and my perspective, for sure, but not really this year in particular.

I could give a partial answer with the friend I talked about in my post on appreciation: that a friendship gone sour made me appreciate my healthy friendships more.

I could also give another partial answer to the friend I made volunteering at Jazz Fest (as mentioned yesterday). This was the first new friend I made in what felt like a really long time (seriously though, a year, maybe?), and it changed my perspective on social interactions and my own self-confidence.

Neither of these answers sit quite right with me, I think because they're not specific to those friends themselves. It wasn't anything special about either of those friends that changed me, simply the situations we were in.

To be honest, 2010 was the year of wrapping myself up inside myself, away from the world as much as possible. Maybe in 2011 I will emerge and let others impact me again.

5 Minutes

2010-12-15T19:56:00.001-04:00

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010.

I want to remember:

Lying on the bridge at our campsite with Roomie J and JB, looking at the stars and talking about our lives.

Ice cream and lemonade and roommate hangouts all the time this summer.

Picking up garbage at JazzFest in the pouring damn rain with my newfound friend Team Cups.

Dancing the night away to the Mellotones at the Seahorse with Roomie J.

Being together with my family in Newfoundland at the start of summer.

L telling me the birthday present I made for him was the nicest thing anyone had ever given him.

The night of the EMSP party when I went crying to JDFL, who let me bug him for the rest of his shift while doing silly things to cheer me up.

Sneaking into the CSP party.

Being a member of the Canadian Studies secret seminar.

Floating in the massive Hurricane Earl waves at the beach with my mom.

Sitting on a bench in the middle of the night in the freezing cold, with a boy I had a crush on, saying that we liked each other, kissing and holding hands.

Action + Appreciate

2010-12-14T21:34:00.000-04:00

When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step?

I find this prompt difficult, not because I don't know what actions to take to make my aspirations happen. It's because I'm not exactly sure what my aspirations are.

I don't know, at this point, where exactly my next move is going to take me. I guess that means my next actions need to be decision-making, but I don't have all the information I need to make those decisions yet, and I don't have any control over when this information will be available to me. The activities of law school admissions committees fall far outside the realm of things I can control.

A lot of the other things I want from my life are dependent on this too. There are a lot of things I don't want to commit myself to until I know whether or not I'll be moving in 4 or 8 months.

So for now, my next step is waiting. In the realm of much smaller aspirations, I will occupy some waiting time by continuing to pursue my freshly-set deadline of completing the sweater I'm knitting by the end of June. Next step: finish the back!

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

I think the one thing I've come to appreciate the most this year is healthy relationships - romantic, friendships, and otherwise.

In the first part of this year, one of my friendships was souring and becoming very unpleasant. Due to the situation at the time, this was also someone that I had to deal with every single day. Instead of discussing our issues, we just became extremely passive-aggressive with each other, which meant, of course, that the situation just got worse and worse.

I was also in a sort-of relationship. We had started dating in 2009, but due to our busy schedules and lack of commitment, we saw each other very rarely - we saw each other in class a few times a week, sure, but only actually spent time together about once a month. I let myself get far more attached than I should have for that sort of "relationship," and thus felt a lot more distress about the situation than was really healthy.

Being far enough away from both of these situations now to have some perspective on them, it's helped me to appreciate what healthy human relationships feel like, and how valuable they are.

I really don't show my appreciation well enough. I should probably let my friends know how much they mean to me, and a good way to start would probably be by actually acting as though I want to spend time with them, instead of being a reclusive antisocial hermit all the time. Let's add that to my action list.

Body Integration

2010-12-12T19:19:00.003-04:00

This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present?

The moments when I feel my mind and my body integrate are when I'm swing dancing and I just get it.

Most of the time when I'm dancing, my thought process goes "one two three-and-four, back straight, five six se-ven eight, keep arms tense, sink weight downward, oh and remember to smile, shit, now I've lost track of my footwork..."

There are rare moments, though, when everything just goes right for a few seconds. Usually this happens when I'm dancing with a more experienced lead and they do a move that I haven't actually learned yet. My mind stops trying to force my body do what it's been taught to do and just lets it respond to the signals I'm being given. For one brief moment everything is motion, mind and body simply move, together, without worrying about where they're going or how they're getting there.

When the motion stops, I grin and think "that was cool!" Then I realize that I have no idea where my feet are supposed to be right now...

11 Things

2010-12-12T13:29:00.000-04:00

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

I like this prompt.

1. Indecision.

I need to learn to make choices. I will eliminate this by listening to my gut. It will change my life by allowing me to be more spontaneous, and less stressed about everything.

2. Fear.

I don't really have a plan to eliminate this one. I don't think I can eliminate it. I can make it more manageable, though. I need to just do things I'm scared of and let myself see that they're really not so bad. I think the key to this one is going to be starting small. This will change my life in more ways than I can probably even imagine. Not to be crippled by fear of change, of social situations, of being wrong... it would make my life better in a million different ways.

3. Procrastination.

In the past week or so I've been using mytomatoes.com to help myself deal with this one, and it's been fairly effective. I'll continue to do that, and be on the lookout for other ways to tackle it. Cutting procrastination out of my life will free up more time to do meaningful things.

4. Laziness.

My life requires more physical activity. Getting rid of procrastination should also help with this one. Also, I'm considering signing up for some sort of fitness class at the university gym next semester, which would basically obligate me to do it. More exercise = more energy + more endorphins + better sleep, which are all things that will make life happier.

5. Loneliness.

I will fix this by not being a hermit any more. I will not turn down offers to go do things with friends unless homework is really actually urgent. I will actually invite people to do things instead of always waiting to be invited. This will change my life by making it happier.

6. Perfectionism.

I am not perfect. I will never be perfect. The good news is that no one (aside from myself) expects me to be perfect. I can get away with lowering my standards to at least slightly lower than perfection. This will save me a lot of worry.

7. Not asking for help/refusing offers of help.

See explanation to number 6 and add that sometimes I just can't do everything alone, no matter how much I might want to. It's okay to ask people for small amounts of help sometimes. I need to learn how to open my mouth and say the words.

8. Self-doubt.

I may not be perfect, but I am capable. I just need to convince myself of that on a regular basis.

9. Staying up too late.

In any context other than "staying up to hang out with friends," it just isn't worth how miserable I feel the next day. I might have to set an alarm to remind myself to go to bed.

10. Complaining.

"If you complain nothing happens; you might as well not bother." Monty Python, as always, tells the truth. Complaining is a useless practice primarily intended to draw pity or out-do someone else with how bad your life is, which is a stupid competition. It needs to end.

11. Clutter.

My desk is getting out of hand. As are my dresser, my closet, and my floor, come to think of it. Yeesh. I need to clean my room thoroughly more frequently than once every four months. Decluttering my physical space tends to help me declutter mentally and emotionally, so this will hopefully help me even beyond not tripping over a stack of books every time I go in an out of my room.

Wisdom

2010-12-10T22:25:00.002-04:00

What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out?

I really struggled with this prompt. Not because I doubt I have wisdom, but simply because I don't feel as though I've made a lot of decisions. On the day-to-day level, sure, but I don't feel like I can cite my wisest decision being the time I decided to have falafel for supper instead of spaghetti, or something like that.

In terms of major life decisions, the only one I really made was to probably go to law school, and I'd really rather not judge the wisdom of that until it actually has played out.

Basically, I have no answer. This one's got me stumped.

Party

2010-12-09T19:48:00.002-04:00

What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

Had you asked me this question about 2009, I would have had a hard time choosing because there were a lot of really good parties. But you're not asking about 2009, you're asking about 2010.

The problem with 2010 is not that there weren't any parties. There were some parties, and they were almost all enjoyable. The year started with a fairly chill New Year's Eve party at my house. There were some sick dance parties (and some non-dance parties) at the household of Loud et al. There was the exclusive party on campus that I snuck into with some friends. They were all lovely parties, but none of them stands out as having "rocked my socks off."

I think my best answer to this question is that my favourite parties are the ones my roommates and I have whenever at least two of us happen to be in the kitchen/living room space at the same time. It's a new party every time. Last night it was a Trying-to-figure-out-how-to-do-the-worm Party, as well as a Balancing-pumpkins-on-our-heads Party (Not at the same time. That would be intense). Sometimes it's a Make-up-silly-dance-moves Party, others it's a Standing-on-the-furniture Party. It can be a Climbing-our-doorways Party, or a Rolling-around-on-our-spare-wheelie-chair Party, or a Making-random-beats-by-banging-on-things Party. We get up to shenanigans like nobody's business.

Beautifully Different

2010-12-08T19:22:00.004-04:00

Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.

I used to feel different all the time. I very clearly remember that it started in grade six. Before that I'd always been part of the group (my elementary school was very small; there were only seven girls in my class), but that year everyone else started to care about clothes and make-up and boys. I was a year behind on boys, and about nine years late on the clothes and make-up (if you're thinking that brings us to about last year, you'd be thinking right).

I was picked on a lot in junior high for differences that it was difficult to put a finger. In high school, I learned to embrace my differences and had amazing friends who were also different from others -but just like me.

My years at university have taught me that no one is really different. I've learned to challenge my assumptions about people and see the things that connect all of us. Now I see that we're all just looking for our place in the world; trying to find happiness and figure out who we are and where we belong. We might express it in slightly different ways, but deep down, we're all the same.

There is not a single quality I have that you couldn't find just as good or better in someone else. That goes for everyone. We just have different combinations of these qualities. There is nothing about me that I can cite as being the one special thing that makes me different from everyone else.

We're all the same. We're all beautiful. I find that there can be a lot of pressure to be different and unique in order to express yourself. No one ever tells us that it's okay to be the same. I'm not saying we should conform to every standard society sets. It's just that sometimes I feel like striving to be different prevents me from being myself. In a lot of the ways, I'm exactly like everyone else. Why shouldn't I be allowed to embrace that?

There's nothing specific I do that lights people up. Sometimes I'll smile at strangers I pass on the street and be rewarded with the most beautiful smiles in return. Sometimes it's some small chore or errand I do that has my roommate proclaim that I'm "her favourite" (her "favourite" changes frequently). Sometimes it's because I listen well, or because I laugh at the right time, or because I know how to explain something. Little things. Little things that anyone else could do just exactly the same.

Community

2010-12-07T19:16:00.000-04:00

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

I feel like I could very easily coast through #reverb10 answering most of the prompts with "I didn't." It wouldn't be lying. I could do it. Will it be a useful practice? No.

I think the reason I keep wanting to focus on the negative aspects of the the year is because I'm in a shitty mood right now. End of term plus super gross weather tend to do that to me. Was it a bad year? At times, yeah. There are things I would go back and change if I could, for sure. But I don't want to give off only bad reverberations. I do need to recognize the bad things so I can think about how to fix them next year, but I also need to remember that good things happened this year too. Lots of good moments.

So, community. Were there times this year that I felt like I was growing so far from my friends that I just wanted to cry until I fell asleep and didn't have to think about it? Yeah. Were there times it felt like I had absolutely no one I could talk to about anything? Absolutely. Were there times I listened to the song below over and over again just to sing along to "I would go most anywhere/to feel like I belong"?

You better believe it. Does that mean I should stop writing here, like I considered doing when I first read today's prompt? Absolutely not.

So does this mean that I have no community? No. It just means my community is changing, and I'm taking some time to adjust. I still have my very best friends to lean on when I need them.

I guess the prompt is technically about where I have discovered community this year, and I do have a few answers to that. I took a fourth year seminar course this year that came together sort of haphazardly and somewhat under the official university radar, which we lovingly refer to as the "secret seminar." It consists of seven students plus the prof, and we just discussed everything and supported each other through the tough issues we were approaching. I was by far the quietest and shyest one in the course, but it still felt like a community, especially on the last day when we went out for lunch together. We like each other and the course so much, in fact, that we've decided to carry on as a discussion group, just for fun, next semester.

As far as online communities go, I found a forum for law students, where I've connected with some of the other applicants at one of my prospective schools. We've been helping each other through the application process and the admissions wait, and it's great. We are well on our way to our goal of having the longest thread ever on that forum. Plus we've already started planning a party for when we theoretically all end up at that university together.

In 2011, I want to connect more deeply with the community of the swing dance society I'm a member of. I've been hovering around the edges, but I need to dive right on in.

I want to join the community of whatever law school I end up at, really join it. I want to be involved in everything and know everyone and be right in the thick of things.

I will find my way.

I can go the distance.

Make.

2010-12-06T19:03:00.006-04:00

What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it?

Technically, the last thing I made was the garlic fingers I had for supper. If you're from somewhere stupid that doesn't have garlic fingers (No offence to wherever you're from. I'm sure it's lovely. It's just that they don't have garlic fingers, which is stupid), they look like this:

(At least, that's what they look like when I make them. Usually they're a little less, um, lumpy. My dough skills could use some work.)

and they're delicious. They're also easy to make: pizza dough + garlic butter + mozzarella, cook at 425F for 15 minutes. Our garlic butter recipe is as follows:

1 c. butter, softened

1 tbsp garlic, minced

1/4 c. parmesan cheese

1 tbsp garlic salt

1 tsp italian seasoning

1/2 tsp black pepper

1/4 tsp paprika

Anyway, I didn't even really want to talk about garlic fingers because they're just food, and to me cooking is just a fact of life; it's not usually something I consider creative, which is how I interpreted this prompt.

So really the last thing I made was this little fella:

I imagine most people probably need me to tell you that it's Teen Wolf. I made it as a birthday present what feels like forever ago (March) for the then-boyfriend. Materials were:

miscellaneous scrap yarn in brown, orange, and black

yellow fabric

thread

crochet hook (size F)

needle

Sharpie

This is the first thing I ever crocheted, so I was kind of proud of it. Also, crocheted? Weirdest word. I have a hard time not pronouncing the "t" whenever I read it.

As for projects I want to work on: SO MANY. The main one right now is that I would really like to finish the sweater that I've been working on knitting for just shy of three years. So far I've finished the arms and about a 3rd of the back. It looks approximately like this:

I hadn't touched it in months, but I actually just picked it up over the weekend to do some work on it. I think my problem is that I always wait until I have large blocks of time free when I can do a lot of work at once. That doesn't happen frequently. According to the rough calculations I guesstimated the other night, if I work on it for just half an hour a day, I should be able to finish it in about six months. Whereas if I continue this strategy, it will probably be another three years.

I think I can make time for a half hour a day. Maybe not every single day, but a lot of days, yes. In the past month + 6 days I've made time for blogging every day, and for five days now I've made time for writing at 750words every morning. I've had to re-evaluate how I use my time and realized that my time management skills have gotten much slacker than they used to be. I also just really like knitting as a break from my academic world of ideas and books. I find that working with my hands to create something physical is a good way to get out of my head and grounded in the real world.

New goal: Complete sweater by the end of June. That gives me just under seven months. I'm gonna do it. For real.

Let Go

2010-12-05T16:16:00.002-04:00

What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why?

I really can't think of much that I let go of this year. In fact, looking back, I think I've probably spent much of the year desperately, desperately trying to hold on. I've been hanging on to anything and everything, just to prevent things from changing. Friendships, relationships, traditions, music - everything. I just want it all to stay the same.

Next year will be my year of letting go, I think. I'll be finishing my BA and almost definitely moving away; very possibly all the way across this great big country. I'll have to let go of a lot of things to make that work: my province, living close to home, my Hali-friends, a bunch of material possessions, my sense of security, and most importantly, my fear of change.

I could respond to the "whom" part of this question, since I have let go of a few people, but I'm really not comfortable talking about it on a blog they could easily access, so I'll just leave it at that.

Wonder

2010-12-04T20:10:00.000-04:00

How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

The only answer I can give to this question is: I didn't.

Wonder, for me, is really not something I cultivate so much as something that just happens. Mostly, it happens when I look at the sky.

There's that line in the Regina Spektor song "Oedipus"that goes "the sky'd be so big that it broke my soul." That's how I feel about it. I'm so blown away by the fact that we all share this great big blanket that I can't even handle it.

This effect is also multiplied by about a million when I actually get out of the city to see the stars.

Moment

2010-12-03T13:09:00.002-04:00

[Before I start today's reverb10 prompt, I want to make a quick update on yesterday. Right after I finished my post, I signed up for an account at 750words and wrote. I did it again this morning (just one day away from being a turkey!). I didn't necessarily write good words, but that's okay. I wrote. That's the important part.]

Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).

My moment for this post came to mind right away. I actually wrote about it when it happened back in May, but I will re-iterate here, since it didn't exactly have vivid detail the first time around.

One day near the beginning of the summer, my roommates and I went for a walk around our local park. This is probably my favourite place in the whole city -- mostly because it's the one that feels the least like the city. It has forest, and ocean, and ponds, and it's lovely.

While we were walking the path around the perimeter of the park, we stopped to read every sign and plaque we saw along the way. At one point we ran up a little hill to look at something or other, and we ended up just standing at the top of the hill for a minute or two.

The hill looked out over the ocean, and the wind was blowing in off the water. It buffeted us, whipping past my ears and making my eyes water. Between the wind and the sun, I had to squint my eyes nearly shot. I couldn't bring myself to shut them all the way, though, and miss out on the beautiful sight of the wide open sea spreading before me. The wind, of course, carried the most fantastic smell in the world: ocean.

At that moment I felt like my heart was swelling up inside me and the wind was blowing all the bad out of me and filling me with the joys of existing near the sea. I was so alive I thought I might burst.

Writing

2010-12-02T19:31:00.000-04:00

What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?

There is the obvious answer to this question, which is: I spend too much time on the internet. Facebook. Twitter. Forums. Pointless flash games. Solitaire. Heck, this blog can be a distraction, at times. Can I eliminate them? Yes. I'm not even particularly attached to any of them, aside from blogging. They're just things I do to pass the time (or put off my homework).

Then there is the less obvious answer, which is also the reason why I do the above things: I doubt. I fear. I run away. I hide. Writing is scary. Even though a lot of the time it's something I just do for myself, and it makes me feel better about life when I do it, there are the days when I stare at a blank page and nothing comes. On those days, I feel like the shittiest person alive. I ask myself what kind of loser can't think of a single word to put down on an empty page. How boring and stupid and unimaginative do you have to be to not have a single thought or idea to write down?

I avoid writing because I'm always afraid it will be one of those days. I'm terrified of being a failure, even if no one knows it but me. I attended a small writing workshop a few years ago, and the woman running it asked us each to take a few minutes to come up with an object to symbolize our writing style. We went around the room and shared what we chose and our reasons for it, and she made what seemed like pretty perceptive comments to everyone. I don't even remember what the object that I choose was. But I remember that almost immediately after I said it, the first words out of her mouth were "you're afraid." She elaborated on it beyond that, but all I really remember is how much effort I was putting into not crying. It was a little bit scary how easily she had seen right through me, and upsetting because now someone else knew that I was a failure.

Can I eliminate fear? No. Probably not. Can I face it? Yes. Can I make it something I only deal with when I have to, rather than every day? Yes. Yes I can.

One Word

2010-12-01T17:18:00.004-04:00

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

This first prompt for Reverb 10 was posted just a few minutes before I left for class this morning. My first thought was "oooooooh that's gonna be a tricky one." I find it really hard to sum up whole years nicely. I'm sure this is difficult for anyone; condensing 365 days into the space of a few letters is not a simple task by any means. Over the past few years I've found it especially difficult for the student life, because the year is very definitively divided into three four-month chunks which usually involve pretty radical changes from one to another - school to work to school, new roommates, new friends, old friends leaving/returning to town, new extracurricular involvements, etc.

I spent all day thinking about what one word I would use to sum up this year... well, all day except the parts where I was reading my latest law school acceptance letter (for the regular readers: Dal, meh), giving a presentation on my research, having lunch with my secret seminar classmates, and writing an exam... but to no avail. I just couldn't think of anything. So instead I focused on thinking about how I would introduce the subject, and thought "well, I could start off saying how it was really hard to come up with something and I spent all day thinking about it... well, except for when [insert all the stuff I just mentioned]. Man, what a full day this has been!"

At that moment, I had my answer. The one word that encapsulates 2010 for me is empty.

That answer is not as sad and pessimistic as it perhaps sounds. My year has been good for the most part, and I am in general pretty happy with my life. I've just been wanting something... more.

It was largely empty because I have been a huge hermit and spent way more time with my homework and the internet than with all the wonderful (wonderful wonderful wonderful) people in my life. It was partly because my summer job could easily have been done by a trained monkey; I yearned for challenge and interest and spent a full third of my year being bored out of my mind. It was partly because I did not dedicate very much time to creative pursuits. It was also partly because I spent the first part of the year pretending that a sort-of-but-not-quite-a-relationship was yeah-totally-a-relationship (absence of a relationship does not make life empty for me (I am fully capable of being happy single: life has felt more full since I got over it) but being in a non-relationship relationship can). I also have had moments when I felt like maybe it was time to give this religion thing another shot, because sometimes I wonder if that would fill in a few of the holes and bare patches.

This makes my word-wish for 2011 very easy, though. Of course I want next year to be full. I want to see my friends more often. I want to find a job that is fulfilling. I want to spend my spare time writing and knitting and baking and generally creating, rather than on twitter. I don't want to pass up on interesting opportunities because they're scary and/or I don't think I have the time. I will make time. There has to be more to life than my homework. Education is great, but it is not everything. Sometimes I forget that.

Reverb 10

2010-11-30T11:25:00.004-04:00

Today is the last day of November, which means the end of this edition of NaBloPoMo. I feel like I did a lot of whining and posting of random videos, but I guess there were a few decent posts in there, so it probably wasn't entirely a waste of time. Okay, actually, looking back through the month's posts, not that bad. I kind of forgot that I wrote mostly actual posts for the first half of the month. The first half of the month seems like so long ago now.

As I alluded to a few days ago, I am taking on another daily-posting challenge for the month of December. Last year in December I participated sporadically in the Best of 2009, which was a challenge which involved a daily prompt where you were supposed to write about the best [insert prompt here] of the year.

This year, Gwen Bell, who created the Best of 2009 challenge, has teamed up with some other folks to expand the project into a bigger and better one called Reverb 10. The point of this project is to "reflect on this year & manifest what's next." I usually reflect quite a bit on the past year anyway, regardless of whether or not I'm participating in something like this. I don't do as well with manifesting, and the way I've been feeling lately is that I could do with some manifesting, so I'm kind of excited about that aspect of it.

Stay tuned for my first Reverb 10 post tomorrow!

Pictures

2010-11-29T18:41:00.002-04:00

Here are some pictures I took last time I was at home and forgot about until just now. I like home. It was in the fall. I like fall. I'm going home again soon. Two weeks!

Not What I Was Going to Write About Today

2010-11-28T17:28:00.003-04:00

I thought of something super-great to blog about today. The idea came to me, and I was like "yes! That would be totally awesome, I can't wait to get home and start writing!"

But I was on my way to a meeting, which lasted for three and a half hours, and then by the time I got home and did laundry and a few other things, I totally forgot what on earth it was I was going to say.

I'm watching another NaBloPoMo draw to a close and realizing that I really haven't written about any of the things I set out intending to write about at the beginning of the month. Kinda makes me feel like a failure. I hate putting up filler posts.

Two more days, and then... something else that involves posting every day. But more on that later.

Fuck winter.

2010-11-27T22:08:00.003-04:00

I haven't been warm since this morning. I've spent all evening wrapped in two blankets and eating warm food and drinking hot tea and still I've got the shivers. The worst of it is that it's still only November; it will be a million times colder when winter really shows up. Although at least then there will be snow, which makes winter far more worthwhile.

I would really like to spend a whole day in bed just being cozy and warm and reading. I could really rock that right now.

Dear Christmas break: Come soon, please.

Tous les Jours

2010-11-26T19:56:00.002-04:00

I have been putting off blogging (and everything else, really) all day, and now I just don't have time. Ack. So here's a video of a song that I like.

Oh, Life

2010-11-25T08:00:00.002-04:00

I recently found this great online journal tool called OhLife. Every evening, they send you an email that says "How'd your day go?" and all you have to do is reply. This creates an entry for that day in your private online journal, which you can log into to read your previous entries.

Keeping a journal tends to be a really good habit for me. When I'm making a "permanent" record of my life, I tend to want to write down the good things rather than the bad. Back when I hated my life, I used to keep a positivity journal, and every night before I went to bed I would write down a list of all the good things that happened that day. I believe that journal played a large part in pulling me out of that slump. By forcing myself to write down good things, I a) realized how many good things I had in my life, and b) helped me see what the good things were so that I could create more of them.

As beneficial as journalling is, though, it can be really difficult sometimes. When I'm busy and tired, writing in my journal is usually the first thing to get cut out of my life. I mean, I have to pick it up and open it, and find a pencil, and figure out what to write, and actually write it, and that's obviously way too difficult. But with OhLife, all I have to do is reply to an email, and they went to all the trouble of sending it to me, so it's not like I can just ignore it. Seriously.

Inspiration

2010-11-24T21:31:00.002-04:00

A few years ago, I went to a writing workshop held for students writing plays for my school's Fringe Festival. The woman who ran the workshop challenged us all to go home and find five rocks. We were supposed to come up with characters for all the rocks, and then make up a story that tied them all together.

I went out into the parking lot behind my res and found five rocks that were all different. I went back to my room and made a character brainstorm for each rock and then figured out how they would all connect together. I started writing the story, although I never did finish it.

I just recently remembered that this happened. It's good to be reminded, sometimes, that when you look for inspiration, you can find it anywhere. If you sit around waiting for it to show up, you'll never get it. I need to go looking.

I don't feel like doing anything.

2010-11-23T11:02:00.004-04:00

The past five days or so I have felt so completely unmotivated to do anything. Mostly I just want to snuggle up in my bed and read YA lit and maybe drink some hot chocolate.

Actually, that's not entirely true. There are a bunch of things I feel motivated to do, but I just can't right now. I want to start getting ready for our Christmas party, but there's only so many thing that can be done 2.5 weeks ahead of time (so close!), so I have to hold tight a little bit longer.

I recently started making a "life list" - basically like a bucket list, I guess. I was inspired by this post by Gwen Bell and this one by Mighty Girl. So far I'm only up to 19 items, but I was a little distressed by how few of them I can actually do now. Four items require a mostly-permanent living space with some amount of land, and seven are just way beyond my current financial means. A further three can happen starting next September when I'm semi-permanently settled. That means there are a mere five things I can actually do right now! And I know that, looking at them, five are more than enough to keep me busy, but I'm really excited about some of the others, and the prospect of waiting another 4.5 years minimum (.5 undergrad + 3 law school + 1 articling) is just so frustrating.

Basically I mostly just don't want to do my homework, and I think even more so I want to be able to train myself to take productive breaks, instead of wasting time on the internet because I don't want to do homework but can't justify the time it would take to actually go do something.

You can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps if you have no boots

2010-11-22T20:12:00.003-04:00

Poverty has always been an issue that's troubled me. I was, if I may venture to say so, probably a little more informed about it from a younger age, compared to most middle/upper class kids, since my dad worked in the Department of Human Resources and Skills Development for a lot of my younger life, and specifically with Homelessness for part of that time. On "take your child to work day" he had some meetings and stuff going on, so I spent part of the day with him, part of the day with someone else in his office, and part of the day at a local youth shelter.

One of the things that really disturbs me about poverty is how much ignorance there is around it. The people who will make fun of "dirty homeless bums" or refuse to give them any money because "they'll just spend it on drugs anyway" or say things like "well if they'd just get off their ass and get a job they wouldn't have this problem."

Some people on the street have addiction problems. This is true. Some people on the street are there because they came from a poor family and couldn't afford an education. Or they were the oldest of seven kids and dropped out of high school to help out their family. Or they have some form of disability which prevents them from working, and no one else to support them. Or they left an abusive husband/family, but had nowhere to go and nothing to support themselves with. Or or or. Don't be so quick to judge.

As for the "just get a job" mentality, I don't think people think this one through. For someone who lives on the streets or has low income not to have access to things like phones, computers, etc. that we take for granted: How are you going to make and print your resumé? Where are you going to see job advertisements? What contact information are you going to give? What would you wear to an interview? Poverty is a self-enforcing condition; once you're in it's hard to get out. To quote the article I'm getting around to linking to: "You can't pull yourself up by your bootstraps if you have no boots."

So poverty is disturbing because there's a lot of prejudice around it, which means the people with the resources to make a difference are unwilling to do so. It's disturbing because there's not much that people living in poverty can do to help themselves get out (there are some things, yes, but not a lot). It's also disturbing to me because there don't seem to be ways to fix it.

Homeless shelters, food banks, soup kitchens, welfare payments, etc. are not going to fix it. They make life easier and more comfortable for the people living in poverty, yes, and I think for that reason they are important and should be continued. But they're just band-aid solutions. They're not going to eliminate or reduce the number of people living below the poverty line. I don't know what would, though. How on earth do you end poverty? To make sure that everyone has the necessities of life when they just can't provide for themselves?

Then I came across this article in the Globe and Mail about ending poverty by giving poor people money. That answer is just so obvious that it never even occurred to me. It's brilliant.

Would there be problems with such a scheme? Yes. Of course there would. Some people would not use the money wisely. But I think that a lot more people would use it well. Heck, the studies they cited showed that to be true.

Will it ever happen on a large scale in Canada? Probably not any time soon. People are just too concerned with where their "precious hard-earned tax dollars" are going, and if it's not something that directly benefits them, they'll protest it.

I think it could be beautiful.

My Robot Heart Don't Know What It Wants

2010-11-21T17:08:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm

just

an empty shell.

Some sort of robot

designed to read books and write papers and laugh

at all the right times

so no one guesses

the truth.

But inside there's this great big

hole.

Someone forgot

to insert the

human

parts, and so I don't know

how to talk

how to emote

how to love.

I have no

passion

no interests

I don't know

what makes me

tick.

All I know is

read

analyse

write

sleep

repeat

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2010-11-20T21:16:00.003-04:00

All of a sudden it's Christmas here. We've been listening to Christmas music for a few weeks already, but it's becoming a more and more frequent occurrence. Last night we put up our garland and lights out in the kitchen, and more garland arrived for us today so we can fix it up a little better soon. Other decorations also arrived today, and Christmas presents.

We had our first eggnog a few weeks ago, and our first hot apple cider last night. We got candy cane ice cream this evening. It smells like Christmas.

I've already started making mental to do lists for our Christmas party; the cleaning and rearranging that needs to be done, the groceries to be bought, the baking to do, the decorations yet to be put up, the people to invite. The party is still three weeks away yet, but it's constantly tugging at my thoughts.

Supposedly it was snowing today, but I don't think that was true. Everyone's Facebook status was all "omgsnow!" So I ran outside, but it wasn't snow, it was just slush falling from the sky. Not nearly as happy. Oh well.

Street Harassment

2010-11-19T15:59:00.000-04:00

Someone I know recently posted a link on Facebook to this cartoon, called "Street Harrasment" by Barry Deutsch:

I feel like this is a thing that needed to be made. Because it happens; I'm willing to bet it happens to every female who lives in a place with a reasonably large population. And it's not okay. But no one ever talks about it.

I realize that in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't do any serious harm. But it's very invasive, and undermines my feelings of security. Verbal harassment from strangers causes a feeling of powerless because there is absolutely no response that will make it better. All you can do is what the woman in this cartoon does: put your head down and walk away.

2010-11-18T23:48:00.002-04:00

OMG IT IS ALL OF A SUDDEN 11:48 AND I ONLY HAVE TWELVE MINUTES TO WRITE A POST, AHHHH.

That is all. Carry on.

Undesirably Awake

2010-11-17T17:45:00.002-04:00

I think probably the worst thing about having too much to do is that when I get stressed out, I wake up early.

I get up at seven pretty much every day. Sometimes on weekends if I'm especially tired I'll sleep in until eight or nine, but through the week it's seven o'clock, every morning. When I get really stressed out, I start to wake up at about six thirty, no matter how tired I am or when I went to bed.

This sucks. I have coping strategies for when I have trouble falling asleep, but I have no idea how to make myself stay asleep. Sometimes when this happens I can get back to sleep, but usually it takes about ten minutes, so I'll only get twenty minutes of sleep, and even then it's only light sleep.

It's just so miserable that when I'm already staying up really late to finish a paper or something, I can't even get the extra half hour of sleep I was bargaining on. And then I'm even more tired, so I'm less efficient and get more stressed out and then wake up early again. Boo.

Fill-in.

2010-11-16T16:49:00.003-04:00

Yeah, this is a filler post.

I have to write an entire essay tonight, plus theoretically do some reading, and also write a short thing for the CBC (More on that in the next few days). So I don't really have time to do a for reals blog post.

BUT. Here's a video of Tom Milsom playing a medley of four Lady Gaga songs. Yeahhh.

Project

2010-11-15T12:25:00.002-04:00

I want to have a project.

Not like a lame-o boring old school project, but a personal happy hobby type project. Something to pick away at when I have a little bit of spare time instead of just wasting it on the internet. Also, something that will make me feel accomplished and successful when I've finished it.

Something along the lines of restoring an old car, except less expensive and more interesting, or doing a jigsaw puzzle, but more exciting and complicated.

I suppose I could get back at my knitting and maybe actually finish the sweater I've been working on before I finish my undergrad. Or find some other craft supplies so I can get at some sewing projects I've been wanting to make... Okay, so I could have a project, I'm just not motivated enough to get started on them, I guess. I should get on that.

Accepted.

2010-11-14T19:27:00.002-04:00

Earlier this week I received my first law school acceptance, from the University of Victoria.

I don't really remember how much I've actually talked about the specifics of my law school applications on here; I know I've said that I'm applying and everything but I feel like I didn't really talk about the wheres, etc. so I'm going to do that now. Apologies if I have already discussed this in detail.

I applied to three schools, UVic, McGill, and Dal.

UVic is the only law school in the country to offer a co-op program. You do three work terms, one each in a law firm, government and public interest/NGO law. (This is really attractive; everyone I know who's done a co-op program in any program has really enjoyed it, and I like the idea of getting to experience those three different sectors before I have to make real-life decisions about them.

At McGill, you do a joint law degree for both English common law and French civil law. According to the King's-alumni-lawyer-guy I met with for a mentoring session, this opens up possibilities that you don't even know exist if you haven't done that degree. Also, I like French.

Dal is just a regular law school. It's my back-up plan, both because it was the only one where I felt guaranteed to get in (they give huge preference to Maritime residents), and in case I get too scared and don't want to leave.

That said, I really don't even consider Dal as an option right now. My acceptance at UVic took out half of my reason for applying there, and in general I feel more excited than scared about moving away.

I'm not entirely sure where I would choose between UVic and McGill. Both the co-op program and the combined degree are really intriguing to me. I think I'm leaning more and more toward UVic, though. For one thing, if I decide later that I really want to get the civil law degree I can go and just do that in like a year or something, but not so much with the co-op program. Furthermore, location location location. Montreal is a really big city. Victoria is a smaller, more me-friendly size. Also, Victoria has OCEAN. (Also, bunnies, but those are not going to be a deciding factor. I swear.) But McGill is a lot closer to home, and a lot easier to come back to more often if I get homesick. When I get homesick. That's also a really silly reason to do something, though.

Multicultural Canada

2010-11-13T07:20:00.002-04:00

There was an Angus Reid poll released recently on multiculturalism in Canada. The report can be found here. It asked three questions: if multiculturalism has been good or bad for Canada, whether Canada should be a melting pot or a mosaic, and whether or not Canadian society is tolerant or intolerant to certain groups.

I have some trouble wrapping my head around the question of multiculturalism being good or bad. Multiculturalism just... is. Canada has always been multicultural, since before the arrival of any Europeans, and even more so after that. Like, the people who said it was bad, thinks the French should have done a better job of keeping the English out, and then killed off all the aboriginal peoples, and just held onto it as a French colony without ever allowing immigration here from other countries? I guess I just don't see how 30% of people can say multiculturalism has been bad for Canada, because we've never not been multicultural, so what are they even comparing it to?

I'm also really baffled by the results to the melting pot vs. mosaic question. I would get it if they had represented mosaic as being cultural segregation, but those aren't the words they use at all. A melting pot is described as "immigrants should assimilate and blend into Canadian society" and in a mosaic "cultural differences within society are valuable and should be preserved." I can't imagine ever being in a mindset where I would choose melting pot from those options. I realize I am of the dominant Canadian culture, but if I moved to somewhere where that wasn't the case, I'd rather have my culture preserved than be assimilated.

As for the tolerance question, well, those results are about what I'd expect. I don't necessarily agree with them, but they don't surprise me.

I do find the breakdowns of the results by age group interesting. I did expect that probably younger people were more favourable to multiculturalism, but the fact that there is such a clear movement from the older to younger groups on both the options of the first two questions is slightly surprising and kind of great.

One thing I would like to see is a racial breakdown of results, and I guess I understand why it's probably not politically correct to ask that question on polls, but I think in this case it might make a point. Even if they displayed a list of the minorities they have for the tolerance question and had it as a yes/no of being part of one of them. I just have this picture in my head of millionth-generation white upper-class straight Canadians sitting around going "yeah, this is what multiculturalism in Canada should be." Not that the dominant culture shouldn't have any say, but we shouldn't have the only say.

Countdown

2010-11-12T11:50:00.002-04:00

I spend a lot of my time counting down the time left until other times in the future. For example, I currently have a countdown for half of the days of the week. Monday is weeks until I'm done for the semester (4 + 3 days), Tuesday is weeks until classes are over (3 + 4 days), Wednesdays are weeks until we can get a Christmas tree (2 + 5 days), Saturdays are weeks until Christmas (6 + 1 day), etc. Then there's the times the "months until..." come up, and so on. You get the point.

I always feel guilty about doing this. I'm somehow selling today (and myself) short by trying to rush past it to get to something else. I know I would probably find more things to appreciate about RIGHT NOW if I would only stop to drink it all in. But I just can't bring myself to do it, because all I can think about is ack ack ack so much homeworks not happy times ahhhh!

So I'll just keep on counting.

Lest We Forget

2010-11-11T12:25:00.002-04:00

Thank you, veterans, and those who gave up their lives, for defending this wonderful country.

In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,

That mark our place; and in the sky

The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.

We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved and were loved, and now we lie,
In Flanders fields.

Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow

In Flanders fields.

The Beautiful World

2010-11-10T18:13:00.002-04:00

As I mentioned briefly a couple days ago, I recently got glasses because it turns out that I am near-sighted. I knew I was having some trouble, because it was starting to get difficult to see what my profs were writing on the board or projecting onto the screen. I really thought it was just writing, though. Everything else looked just fine.

Then my glasses came in. I was absolutely astounded the first time I put them on. Sure, I could see fine before, but with them on I can see really well. It's amazing.

I notice the difference most in the trees. I can pick out every twig and leaf and variation of colour now in a way I couldn't before. This was an especially great thing to have happen in the fall when everything is beautiful. There's one tree that I can see out of the window of my French classroom that I've really appreciated. It's lost the vast majority of its leaves already, and it just has that perfect "gloomy lonely bare tree against the sky" look to it, which is all the more stirring now that it sticks out in much sharper detail.

It was just sort of nice to realize that the world is even more beautiful than I always though it was.

Re: Fear

2010-11-09T07:39:00.003-04:00

I guess this might be a case of "be careful what you wish for," but when I said I wanted to be scared, I specified I wanted to be scared of things that weren't real life. This is most definitely real life.

Yesterday we discovered that the lock on the door to our apartment had been tampered with through the night; there were obvious tool marks around the edges of the keyhole.

For the past two years, our area of town has been the target of numerous incidents where a male intruder went into households and watched (and in the more recent cases, touched) female occupants while they were sleeping. Although the fact this was a forced entry didn't match up with that scenario, it was a little too suspicious that it happened when our male roommate was spending the night somewhere else.

The rational part of me knows that no one got in, and hey, the lock obviously held out long enough for the person to give up, so we're safe. But in a city that seems to have had a drastic increase in crime over the past few months, it's still very worrying. I am unimpressed.

Psst.

2010-11-08T07:46:00.003-04:00

I have a secret addiction: the "Pssts" (missed connections) page of the local paper.

I check them online nearly every day. I find them fascinating. It's like the conflict between our human longing for companionship and our fear of rejection have found an outlet in these safe yet vaguely hopeful anonymous messages.

It's both sad and comforting to think of all the lonely people out there, sending out their little distress signals in the hopes that someone will find them...

I've had a few missed connections myself; I imagine most people have, in some way or another. After the most recent time this happened, I told myself it wouldn't happen again. I'm going to muster up some courage and finally make a connection.

I love so much:

2010-11-07T14:12:00.002-04:00

Warm food. Especially with vegetables in it.

Board game nights.

Swing dancing.

Blankets.

Getting dry after being out in the rain.

Hot chocolate when it's cold out.

Hot showers.

Aimlessly daydreaming.

This song.

Finally getting a bit of blue sky after a whole weekend of rain.

Chocolate.

(Was lacking in positivity today. Feel better now.)

Whoops

2010-11-06T16:56:00.001-03:00

I was hoping to make it at least a little bit longer before I had to do a filler post, but I guess not. This weekend has gotten a little out of control. I'll maybe tell you about it sometime.

<3

2010-11-05T13:15:00.003-03:00

Watch this trailer:

Now be angry.

Seriously, WHAT IS THIS BUSINESS?

That hardly even looks like the book. The first two trailers showed that the story in this movie had obviously been aggrandized and epicified, but I assumed it would be left were more or less intact, just a little exaggerated. I can handle book-to-movie changes when they are small and in the spirit of the book. They are different mediums, and different things will work for each. But these are some pretty serious changes we're talking about.

What is the White Witch doing? What is up with the swords? How do they make three whole trailers for the movie without even mentioning the fact that Caspian is looking for the seven LORDS?

Agh. Anger. I love this book, and I was excited for this movie, but not if they're going to ruin it. Grump.

Fuck you, Hollywood, I want my childhood back.

101 in 1001 Update

2010-11-04T19:28:00.002-03:00

I haven't updated re: this in a really really long time, so let's do that now.

Things I've finished without having mentioned them on here:

50. Spend 10 days volunteering

Accomplished over the summer: 3 at Grand Chief Membertou 400 Mawio'mi, 3 at Atlantic Jazz Festival, and... I don't even remember, either 7 or 8 at Halifax International Buskers Festival. This goal was way easier than I had anticipated.

28. Try 10 new restaurants

Curry Village

Henry House

Sushi Nami

Spartan

B Well Sushi and Café

Pilot's Pub

Niche wins for best music; the Gracious Indian wins for best samosas. I don't care to judge any other categories.

2. Talk to an academic advisor

This process actually started back in March, but I have officially sorted out the end of my degree, finally got my honours application submitted and approved, and even applied to graduate. I am good to go.

73. Find a topic I love for my honours thesis

Methods of conversion used by Jesuit Missionaries in New France in the sixteenth century.

70. Get eyes checked

Done. Needed glasses. Have glasses. Can see now.

30. Cook 10 new dishes

Beef stew

Pad Thai

Pasta with chickpea sauce

Garlic fingers

Falafel

Grilled chicken with spinach and raspberries

Yemista

Greek goddes burger

Pork with bell peppers

Roast beef

Most tasty: tie between pad Thai, garlic fingers, falafel, and yemista. I am bad at decisions. Also I just like food.

This brings me to a total of 26 items completed. I should theoretically be at 30 by now, but my partially completed things almost add up to enough to make up for it, so whatever, I guess. I have lost some of my interest in this list. There are definitely still a few projects on it that I would really like to accomplish, and there are a bunch of things on it that I know I should do. There are also some that I'd really like to do, and would jump if the opportunity fell into my lap, but am really not in a position to make happen just now. And then there are other things that I feel like "gee, why did I even want to do that in the first place?" I might change my list somewhat. I might quit. I might do a different sort of thing. We'll see.

Fear

2010-11-03T21:15:00.002-03:00

I've been a little obsessed with fear lately. I guess it probably has at least a little bit to do with the recent holiday, but I just wanted to be scared.

I've never watched a horror movie that actually scared me. Usually I find them laughably over the top. Sure, I'll be startled when something jumps out unexpectedly, and too much gore is a little revolting, but I want to be so scared I freak out and am scared of every little noise and shadow for a while afterward and maybe even have nightmares.

In an attempt to achieve this state of fear, I downloaded a bunch of horror movies to try to help the cause. So far I've only gotten through The Exorcist and [rec]. The Exorcist was really not that scary at all. [rec] was a teensy bit frightening at first, but that quickly wore off. This provided a useful insight, however. [rec] started off well because I was like "oh man, what is up with that old lady? ack!" but by the time I was like "oh, zombie virus, whatevs, lameboats" I basically got bored with the whole movie. So, this tells me that I am scared of the unknown.

I didn't know, for a while, why I wanted so badly to be scared. I spend a lot of my life being scared, and I'm not especially fond of the feeling. But I just want to be terrified out of my wits. Then, by coincidence, Neil Gaiman posted a link in his twitter feed to this article that he wrote a few years back, and it shed some relevant light on my situation:

Fear is a wonderful thing, in small doses. You ride the ghost train into the darkness, knowing that eventually the doors will open and you will step out into the daylight once again. It’s always reassuring to know that you’re still here, still safe. That nothing strange has happened, not really. It’s good to be a child again, for a little while, and to fear — not governments, not regulations, not infidelities or accountants or distant wars, but ghosts and such things that don’t exist, and even if they do, can do nothing to hurt us.

The reason I want so badly to be scared, maybe, is precisely because I am always scared, and it does suck. I want to be scared of something that's really really scary, so I can "get off the ghost train" so to speak, and realize that maybe strangers and social interactions and the future are not actually things that I should actively fear. After all, it's not like they're ghosts or anything.

For Comparison's Sake

2010-11-02T11:38:00.002-03:00

This semester so far has felt like one of the most out of control times of my life. I'm really not sure how this is possible, because I am also considerably less busy than I have been at other times of my life which felt totally in control. Take, for example, this time a year ago vs. right now:

Commitments which were basically the same for both time periods:

4 classes

swing dancing

Student Union Scribe

Commitments I had last year that I don't any more:

2 more classes

the Memoir Project

elections committee

Commitments I have now that I didn't have last year:

honours thesis

law school applications

So last year I was definitely more busy than this year, but it felt like it was more manageable. Sure, I was often exhausted and stressed, but I never had doubts I would get everything done, and done well, which is sort of looking like it might be more of an issue this year. I also am pretty sure I spent more time with friends last year than I have this year, and I know I was getting better marks.

I'm not sure how I ended up being so all over the place (and by "all over the place" I mean I have 3 papers due within the next two weeks that I haven't started and the amount of work I've accomplished on my honours thesis is laughable). I don't think I like it, though, and I would like to get back on track.

And by "back on track" I mean improving the efficiency and quality of my schoolwork, seeing friends more often, getting back to writing (my journal is crying at me, I've neglected it for so long), getting more exercise to boost my energy levels, and wasting less time on dumb things. I know I need a more specific plan if I'm going to make that happen, so I'll work on that for the near future.

It is November.

2010-11-01T08:48:00.002-03:00

November means it's going to be National Blog Posting Month again.

I did this last year and it was... well, it was. I did it, although there were a lot of filler posts, which was kind of unfortunate. It did, however, make me get out some things I'd been meaning to write, but hadn't yet, and probably wouldn't have if I hadn't made myself write every day.

So I'm jumping back on it for another go. November promises to be pretty stressful, so it's entirely possible that a lot of posts around the middle and the end of the month will just be whiny, but hopefully I'll be able to refrain from that. We'll see.

The other thing about it being November, is that it's cold. Really cold. I am displeased.

This is my life, exactly.

2010-10-25T17:42:00.001-03:00

by John Campbell of boo hoo boo (and Pictures for Sad Children)

Musics

2010-10-13T19:38:00.004-03:00

Two songs to share today, both by budding musician Alex Day, aka vlogger nerimon. If you like his music, you can listen to it all for free on his website, or buy it on iTunes or in real life.

The first song deals with a subject which I think many people in my generation can relate to. It's called "Pokemon, What Happened to You?" It makes me so happy and so sad at the same time. So bittersweet.

Then also there is this song, which is just so very very pretty. I like it a lot. You should listen to it.

Applied

2010-10-12T18:11:00.002-03:00

As of today, I am officially finally finished all of my law school applications.

Well, finished what I have to do, anyway. My transcripts and a few other documents are still in the mail and my references haven't finished writing their letters yet and of course the schools in question will have to request my LSAT score and all that. But it's all out of my hands now, things are just going to happen the way they do and that will be that.

It's exciting and terrifying, and at this point, really just a relief to be done with it and have it off of my to do list.

I'm still not convinced law is what I want to do with my life. People ask me why I want to do it, and the only I answer I have is that when I was thinking about what to do post-grad, I looked into law, and the course descriptions were interesting. I might get there and hate it. That would suck. Sometimes I'm really excited to go and study something new, and other times I dread studying the same thing all the time for three years straight.

The whole moving away thing is also a concern. On the one hand, it's terrifying to think about living too far away to be able to go home whenever I felt like it, or for my dad to show up on his way to work with some random food my mom sent for us. I don't want to leave behind my whole support network, and all of the places I love, and an unfinished to do list of the Haligonian things I would like to do, or the things I want to tell people but might not ever have a chance to now. But on the other hand, I do like the idea of a fresh start and new friends and a new city and new opportunities. Moving away is a little bit exciting just because then I'll get to experience coming home. In a way I think I'm somewhat worried about moving away because I might like it better and not want to come back, or at least like it equally and always be missing one of the places.

Oh well. It doesn't matter really until I find out if I even got in, and where. It'll be a little over a month, at least, before I know that, so until then I guess I'll just hang tight and appreciate this Haligonian life while I've got it.

Fall Lovin'

2010-10-10T11:13:00.004-03:00

I love fall. I love everything about fall. I love the smell of the air. I love the colours. I love the temperature. I love the sound of crunchy leaves. I love thanksgiving with all its deliciousness and family time. I love pumpkins. I love scarecrows. I love Halloween and all the costumes, movies, candy, decorations, and stories that go with it. I love sweater weather. I love pretty fall scarves. I love when it starts to get chilly enough to go back to drinking hot chocolate and tea instead of lemonade. I love love love this season. It is the best one, hands down, no contest.

But yet, as much as I love fall, there's something about it that gets me excited for winter (which is only my third favourite season). I was making pumpkin pie yesterday, and even though pumpkin pie is one of my absolute favourite foods, as I added the ginger and cinnamon and cloves, I couldn't help but get excited for gingerbread (which I don't even like all that much). I love being home for thanksgiving, but being here means access to my keyboard, and I couldn't resist starting to practise up my Christmas carols. The other day, I was thinking about what I should do for Halloween this year, and the idea of a Halloween party just ended up getting me excited for Christmas parties. Every time I have a mug of hot chocolate or tea, it makes me wish for apple cider (even though I like hot chocolate best).

Sometimes I feel like it's a shame that being distracted by Christmas so much takes away from my enjoyment of fall for itself. Other times I wonder if maybe on top of all the things I love about fall, I like it all the more because it foreshadows Christmas.

My Manifesto

2010-09-30T23:35:00.004-03:00

When I am old and grey, I will not look back fondly on all the time I spent on Facebook, or be proud of seeing all the cool things that people linked to on Twitter. The time that I spend playing solitaire will mean nothing to me.

I won't even remember the time that goes into random little internet video games, and to be honest, even reading interesting blogs and watching cute and funny boys on youtube, although marginally more substantial, will never make my life fulfilling.

It is okay to take breaks. It is alright to relax. If the occasional day is given over to pointlessness, it is not the end of the world.

But I can't let it take over my life.

I need to spend time with people I love, and write, and exercise, and learn new things every day, and have new and exciting experiences in a broad range of interests. I know that these are things that make me happy, so I need to do them.

Oh the things I would do...

2010-09-29T21:59:00.000-03:00

If only I had the time/money/courage/motivation, I would:

Canadian history makes me feel miserable.

2010-09-20T23:04:00.003-03:00

They killed the last buffalo.

And then the railroad came.

And then Big Bear signed the treaty.

"'We didn't smoke the pipe,' Twin Wolverine said, riding beside him through the granular stinging snow up the bent valley.

"He had not thought The Only One would permit such blackness to be found in him; opening endlessly; he had never known all that could be there, and he could not stop himself.

"'What more do you want?' he cried to his oldest living son. 'I am an old man and it is no longer given me to feed my people. What more can you want?'"

-Rudy Wiebe, The Temptations of Big Bear

Does Not Happen

2010-09-08T23:57:00.002-03:00

While I was at home last week, I read Terry Pratchett's Nation. It is an absolutely fantastic novel. I recommend for anyone to go read it. I've read much of the Discworld series, and I love them because they are funny and generally involve some good satire and are a good fun read. Nation maintains the humour, but has a much more philosophical bent. Lots and lots of interesting thoughts in there. Anyway, the point of this post is not a book review, so just go read it. Or don't. Whatever makes you happy.

Near the beginning, the protagonist, Mau, saves the female lead, Daphne, from drowning. While he's doing this, he hears in his head the voice of the god of death, Locaha. During their interior conversation, Mau begs Locaha to let them go because it's not fair for Daphne to drown. Locaha says something to the effect of there is no should happen, only what happens and what does not happen. Mau shouts (err, thinks loudly, but you know) DOES NOT HAPPEN and finds the energy to save Daphne.

This becomes his mantra for the remainder of the novel. As he tries to rebuild his Nation, whenever something bad threatens, Mau says, shouts, or whispers, "does not happen" and then ensures that it does not happen. He takes control of his own life and his own situations.

So, to all of the things that I've been dreading happening tomorrow and in the coming year: Does. Not. Happen. I am taking control of my life, starting now. This will be a good year. The old fear does not happen. I will be strong.

Picture Week

2010-09-03T11:53:00.007-03:00

Edition number one of #64: Take a picture every day for a week, 10 weeks.

Saturday August 28 to Friday September 3, 2010.

Saturday morning: the "life is perfect" version. Sunshine, park bench, summer dress, good book, pain au chocolat. Deliciousness.

Very early Sunday morning. So worth it, though. (More sunrise pictures in my flickr set)

New winter coat. I love thrift stores. (Accomplished #78: Own a winter coat I really like)

Tuesday morning's handiwork. Also, check out my awesome tan lines, right?

Things I love about coming home: keyboard to play!

Sweater progress.

Other things I love about coming home: cat!

I've lived my entire life in fear of September.

2010-08-24T17:33:00.003-03:00

This week it suddenly feels like September. It's been downright chilly out when I left for work the last two mornings. Since I'm really not looking forward to September, I decided to try to come up with some reasons why I do look forward to the dread month.

1. I will be done with my shitty god-awful job. Forever. Thank fucking goodness.

2. Friends who spend their summers in silly non-Halifax places come back!

3. No more fruit flies. This is actually a bigger deal than you might think. We've had absolute swarms at times this summer.

4. Although there are a lot of big decisions to be made this year (honoursthesisomg, law school yes/no?, if yes where?, if no then what?, etc.), September brings me all that much closer to having decisions made and therefore feeling better about life.

5. TV starts up again. This means new episodes of Glee and Big Bang Theory. Yay!

What else should I look forward to this fall? What do you look forward to/dread about September?

The Best Weekend of Summer. Possibly the Year.

2010-08-19T07:41:00.007-03:00

This weekend will be the third annual backwoods camping trip for my group of high school friends. For me, this camping trip is always one of the highlights of the year.

It's a long hike in to the site with a lot of gear to be carried. It's hard and it's painful. I'm always the slowest and I always feel like I'm a huge weakling. But then once I'm done I feel like such a tank.

"Grrr!"

I love being far far away from the city noises and the city smells and the city sights and just being surrounded by trees and lake and sky.

Definitely not the city

I love getting to see stars. The first year we went, we sat on some rocks at the edge of the lake until one or two in the morning and just looked at the stars and had quiet conversation. The sky was so clear and the lake was so still that I remember thinking the reflection of the stars on the water looked like some sort of fairy lights, or a trick by the mermaids to lure you in to your death, or something.

I love the friends I go with. I love the ridiculous shenanigans we always get up to. I love swimming, and I love camp food.

I know it doesn't look like it, but this is totally a shenanigan. We just hiked out of the woods during Hurricane Bill. Then we went swimming. Also, food!

More food!

I love that we all work together as a real team, for everything: the planning, the carrying, the setting up, the cooking, the packing up.

The team.

I am so excited for this weekend. Super super so excited. Just one more sleep.

University Stories

2010-08-18T17:56:00.002-03:00

The last time that I went home for a visit, I sat around the campfire with my parents while they told me stories from their university days. These is a not-infrequent topic of conversation for them any time the family gets around a fire, and I love it.

On this most recent occasion, though, I found myself wondering, "what stories will I tell about my university years?"

I sort of feel like I don't have very many stories to tell. There are certainly a few that stand out, but for the most part, my university experience thus far feels like a bit of blur. Maybe 20-odd years from now enough of the blur will have faded that I can pick out a few details to make into good stories.

Hopefully I'm not just boring.

What I've Been Up To Lately

2010-08-16T17:33:00.003-03:00

-Volunteering at Halifax International Busker Festival

-Watching the buskers

-Eating tasty food

-Planning this weekend's camping trip

-Shopping

-Learning about make-up (yeah yeah, I missed this boat by like 6 years, I know)

-Going to the Halifax Can't Stop the Serenity event

-Listening to bad music

-Watching Wonderfalls

-Freakin' out

-Having fun, mostly

-Not blogging

I'm not ready for weddings yet.

2010-08-11T07:46:00.003-03:00

This has been the summer when people started getting married.

There have been a few people from my high school graduating class tie the knot in the last couple of months, but no one I knew well. This weekend one of my best friends from high school is getting married, and it is seriously weird.

I'm not sure why the wedding is striking me so much when they've been engaged for years and I've known this was coming for ages. But I just can't get over the fact that he's getting married. Maybe it's because I'm averse to change. Maybe because when it's someone I know and love rather than someone I barely knew, it really makes me realize that we're the same age and holy shit there's no way we've reached marriageable age yet. Maybe the fact we used to date is playing into this somehow. Maybe it's because marriage means babies could happen soon and there's no way the world is ready for mini versions of him running around. I don't know.

Just, he's getting married, and it's weird.

I was invited to the reception, but won't be there since it's out of town. So yesterday I signed a wedding card, wrote a cheque for a gift, put it in an envelope, and mailed it off to them. That was the single most grown-up thing I have ever had to do.

It made me want to throw up.

Dear August:

2010-08-02T12:03:00.003-03:00

I'm really not sure how you got here so darn fast. You probably shouldn't go around sneaking up on people like that. Didn't your mother teach you any manners?

Anyway. Polite or not, you're here now, so I have a favour to ask, 'kay? Last forever. Please please please? I'm just not ready yet.

Sure, I hate my job and want to be done NOW. In that respect alone, I would love summer to hurry up and get over.

But in every other aspect of my life... please no. I can't do it. I'm not sure a month is going to be enough. I haven't done enough swimming/beaching. I haven't been to an ocean beach at all this summer! There hasn't been enough delicious summer food. There hasn't been any driving around with the windows down and the music a little too loud. No roadtrips. No group photos. This summer doesn't even have a song yet. Sadface.

And I'm just not ready for school yet, in any way. I still haven't even finished deciding on course, I haven't got a clue what I want to write my honours thesis on or who I'll ask to be my advisor, I haven't figured out which law schools to apply to or even if I really really really want to.

I'm also just not ready for the people. Not yet. Let me live in my hermit-y little world for just a little longer before you fling me back into the social stress of where to sit on the first day, and trying to spend time with friends in the Wardroom without ending up standing around awkwardly by myself. I'm just not ready for another year of that.

In conclusion: Please, please, August, be long, and full, and beautiful. Please.

Sincerely,

Katie

2010-08-01T14:01:00.003-03:00

I just want to tie a bandana around my head and grab my plastic sword and run outside screaming a war cry.

I want to play bandits or cowboys or something.

I want to traipse through the woods on a fairy hunt.

I've either been reading too many children's books, or I'm just way understimulated.

Bleh.

So far this weekend, I have:

2010-07-31T20:25:00.003-03:00

fingerpainted

played on 3 playgrounds

danced around a field with sparklers

had a mid-afternoon nap

spent an hour and a half in a children's book store

spent the evening thus far curled up with my newly-purchased copy of Five Children and It.

Tonight I'm actually going to be all grown-up-like and go out dancing and stay out well past my bed time.

This is my 300th post, and it is a gnome-tastic celebration!

2010-07-30T07:35:00.003-03:00

The fact that I've written 300 posts here over the past 3 years is occasionally the only reason I don't ditch this blog and build a shiny new one with a brand new title and design.

Today, however, I'll spread some gnome lovin'! Because this blog is all about the gnomes.

In case you forgot, here's the link to my gnome story, which I shared at the Johnny Pez Blog as part of last November's NaBloPoMo blog swap.

Here's a Happle Tea comic about gnomes. Because I love gnomes. They're from the ground.

Here's a tiny gnome knitted by Anna of Mochimochiland. All of her tiny things are adorable. Seriously adorable. Actually most of her non-tiny things are adorable too. If you like adorable knitted things, you should read her blog. She also made a factory which turns pandas into gnomes (no wonder they're endangered!).

That depletes my store of gnominess, but a quick Etsy search turned up all of these gnome-y goodies, plus much more!

See? Aren't gnomes just the best? Hooray for gnomes!

Restless

2010-07-28T22:30:00.005-03:00

I want to do something crazy. I want to break into an old abandoned building or go somewhere at night that I know I'm not supposed to be after dark or climb over fences to get into places I'm not supposed to be. I want to break the rules. I want to cause trouble. I want to do something wrong. I want to make the less safe decision.

I also want to play paintball or have a water fight or a big game of capture the flag or one of those other games that are high-energy, low-skill, and you just run around, act silly, and try to win. I want to be loud and I want the adrenaline rush and I want to run until I can't breathe and my heart is pounding so hard it feels like it might burst.

I also keep watching this video (Yes, I know I've linked to it before) and just wishing that there were some sort of magical mystical realm just on the other side of the wooden gate in the wall you never saw before, where you could just have adventures and explore and quest and find yourself and it would be like a rite of passage and then you could just come out and get on with your life, no questions asked, and everything would make sense and it would all just work and not be so complicated.

This is all somehow related.

2010-07-28T08:24:00.003-03:00

Going back in time a bit from yesterday's post, I was at home for this past weekend. I thought I had been having a pretty good summer, and wasn't super keen on going home and missing out on Hali-happenings, but as soon as I got there I was so glad I did.

Friday night I spent the whole evening having a fire with my parents. My dad just finished making this beautiful fire circle that he's been working on for at least two years now. It's set back in the woods a bit, with a stone wall built around it except for where the path enters. There are solar-powered lanterns along each side of the path and around the inside of the wall, with solar-powered lights strung around the one tree in the centre of the circle. Then there's beautiful wooden furniture for sitting on. We sat out there all evening cooking food over the fire and talking. My parents told stories of when they were in university, which are always my favourite stories.

Saturday morning we got up and went to the Hubbards Farmer's Market. It's not nearly as big or interesting as the Halifax Farmer's Market, but I still like it. It's held at the Hubbards Barn and Community Park, which is a wonderful place. The barn is big and beautiful and the gardens outside are absolutely lovely. Mom said that it gets rented out for wedding receptions pretty much every Saturday evening, and everyone who's been to one says that it's absolutely amazing when they have it all decorated up. I could totally have a wedding reception there. Future husband, be warned: must be open to the possibility of barns.

We picked up breakfast at the market (chocolate covered oat cakes, yum!), and then dropped dad off at home while mom and I went shopping. She took me to get pretty things and food, which are my two favourite things to shop for. After that we went home and had lunch on the deck of the other yummies we got at market: fresh multi-grain bread, smoked salmon, and cherry tomatoes in a variety of colours. Summer food is the best.

Mom and I went to the beach for the afternoon, and then she and dad went to a barbecue with some friends while I stayed home for the early evening and then headed out to a movie with my friends. We saw Inception, which was really good, although I would not say it lived up to the hype everyone was giving it. Good movie, but in my books not worthy of "omg best movie evars it will blow your minds go see it nowwwww!"

Sunday was a lazier day; we stayed home and read and made food (yemista with lemon potatoes, have I mentioned I love food?) and watched tv and cleaned. We went to a movie in the evening because mom really wanted to see Despicable Me. It was cute, and funny in places, but probably won't go down in the books as a great children's classic or anything. We went home and ate delicious cheesecake and lemon chiffon.

Then in the morning I had to come back. Such is life.

Just Your Typical Evening

2010-07-27T08:01:00.003-03:00

The playground was locked. We had ogled it on our way to and from class every day for the past year. Finally, we decided to trek back off the road to check it out. It was even better up close. There was even that Holy Grail of playground equipment: a tire swing. Better yet, the gate was even unlocked. To our dismay, there was a second gate, which was quite thoroughly locked. So we moved on.

On the way to our second-choice playground, we made the discovery of the summer. Tennis courts. Free for public use. Just a 5-10 minute walk from our apartment. With hardly anyone there. Likelihood of playing tennis is now greatly increased, since it no longer involves walking all the way to the Commons and then waiting for a court and then schmucking our errant balls into the middle of someone else's game.

Passing the tennis courts brought us to playground number two which, although accessible, was still a bitter disappointment. Their monkey bars were set up oddly, and none of their other play stuff was any good, and they had but one single swing. What kind of elementary school has a playground with just one swing? Mind-boggling.

We took a shortcut path back to the street and ended up coming out lower on that street than we had ever ventured before. On our way back up it toward home, we happened upon a third and completely unexpected playground. It was a wooden one too; I love wooden playgrounds best of all. The gate (what is with playgrounds being locked up around here?) stood wide open, so we rushed toward it excitedly - only to notice at the last minute the sign that said "Members only." Members of what, we weren't sure, but that's probably a good indication that we aren't members of it.

Having exhausted our local playground options, we meandered along. There was a cat sitting on someone's doorstep, so we stopped to pet him. He was friendly, so we stuck around for a while, and ended up sitting on this strangers stoop petting their cat and talking for quite some time. All of a sudden, we hear noise in the house of someone coming toward us. We bolted off that step and tried to walk casually away, glancing behind us to see a lady holding the cat and staring after us.

We decided to take the long way home because we weren't quite ready yet. The long way involves walking past a cemetery, and we were mildly curious about one of the big grave monuments. Not curious enough to walk all the way around to the gate. Just curious enough to crawl under the gap in the fence that I happened to notice. By this time it was after dark, but still we wandered around the cemetery, looked at all the big monuments, deciphered the old engravings by feel moreso than sight, and tried to determine how all the people buried under them were related. Just as we were beginning to get bored and feel like it was time to be heading home, we had an run-in with a couple of large white seashells - a disconcerting sight in a graveyard after dark from a bit of a distance. We decided it was definitely time to be getting home. Of course, this was just as a couple of guys were walking by our fence-gap, who made grave-robber jokes at us.

We cartwheeled our way through the Sobey's parking lot, and arrived home. Roomie C must have felt like going to Candy Mountain or stealing some kidneys or something, because the second we were inside, he greeted us with a cry of "shun the non-believer!" Of course, this left me no choice but to defend my believer status with a rendition of Smashmouth's "I'm a believer," which led to a roommate sing-a-long dance party.

But this is all just a typical day for us.

Great Lake Swimmers

2010-07-22T18:30:00.003-03:00

Great Lake Swimmers are an absolutely amazing band. I used to listen to a couple of their songs back about 5 years ago before they even got popular. It was recently announced that they're performing at Halifax Pop Explosion this year, so I started listening to them again, and oh man they are so good.

You should listen to them too. You will not regret this decision. Also, then I will have friends to go see them with in October.

In short: Like this band so I don't have to feel like a loser.

More Money Than Brains

2010-07-15T22:25:00.004-03:00

I just finished reading More Money Than Brains by Laura Penny, which I won a few weeks ago from the #cbc140 contest that the cbcbooks twitter feed runs on a semi-regular basis. It's sort of funny that this happened to be the book I won, given that Laura Penny is not only local, but gave a handful of my first year university lectures.

It was a very interesting read. She expressed some ideas that I already agreed with, such as that business/engineering/otherwise career-related programs should be part of the college system, not universities; that it's ridiculous for people who have no interest in academics to go to university just because you need a degree to get a job these days; and that streaming people into technical/university paths like the European system does is maybe not a bad idea; and that standardized testing is a meaningless practice, among others.

She also tied her discussion into a much larger picture, however, one that includes politics and the media and the economy. The problems with the education are both a symptom and a cause of much larger-scale problems in the world in general.

The money-makers gonna bring us all down.

Toy Story 3

2010-07-14T20:43:00.004-03:00

A couple nights ago Roomie J and I took advantage of half-price night at the movie theatre to go see Toy Story 3, and boy am I glad we did.

It was the most fantastic movie I have seen in quite a while - probably since Up, actually. I do maintain that in the past decade children's movies have been far superior to adult movies (Think Shrek, Monsters, Inc., Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Wall-E, Up, and The Princess and the Frog, to name a few), but that's another story. Anyway, I was not really expecting it to be so wonderful. After all, this was the first Toy Story since Pixar was completely bought out by Disney, and after Disney's output these last few years (excluding P&tF, obviously) I was fearing the worst.

My fears turned out to be entirely unfounded. They managed to maintain character personalities, not do anything stupid, be funny without being juvenile, have a plot, and cause an emotional response. Not joking even a little bit: I bawled my eyes out for the entirety of the last 10 or 15 minutes of the movie.

I would absolutely recommend this to anyone. Especially those of you who, like me, grew up with Toy Story.

A Few Tweaks

2010-07-14T19:49:00.003-03:00

I've made a few changes around here in the past couple days.

The most time-consuming one was retagging all of my past posts into a more useful and comprehensive system. This will probably make minimal difference, especially compared to how long it took me, but I will never again have to tag something as being "drama llama" just because I thought it was a good idea three years ago.

I created two pages which can be found in the tabs just above the posts. Hooray.

I also rearranged the sidebar a little bit and updated my blogroll to reflect what I actually currently read.

The Western World

2010-07-08T22:30:00.004-03:00

The use of the word "West" in its academic context really, really bothers me. I mean when people talk about "the Western world," "Western culture," and "Western tradition." Any time someone does this in casual conversation, it's about all I can do to not chastise them for it. The word is a) grossly inaccurate and b) creates and extremely exclusionary discourse about World culture/history/politics/literature/whatever.

Point a) was pointed out by one of my profs last year. Point b) is something I realized a while ago when someone was discussing something along these lines, although I don't even remember what it was now.

When we use the word West in this sense, we do not mean any actual area of land that is actually West. We certainly don't mean the Western hemisphere:

This map clearly does not include enough of Europe, and too much South America and Africa. So, let's try adding a lot more Europe into the mix:

Horrors! Even more of Africa is included in that definition. No, what we really mean when we say "West" is a map that looks more like this:

So when you see the word "West" you should read it as "white." This is what we really mean. It no longer has anything to do with an actual geographic direction, although it did at one point before the New World got thrown in to the mix. The simple fact that it's inaccurate isn't such a big deal. There is a generally accepted definition which is accepted and understood by the majority of folks.

What I do have an issue with is the exclusionary attitude toward world history/culture/literature/whatever that this creates. The focus of so many discussions becomes the East/West divide, because this is the language we like to use. Unfortunately, when West means white and East means Asia, you end up with a world map that looks something like this:

And while I agree that East/West comparisons/contrasts are often useful and interesting, I also would like to know about Africa and the Middle East and South and Central America and Native Americans and the South Pacific. It bothers me that they are continuously excluded from our international discourse. They exist too. So let's get over our Western tradition of calling ourselves Western.

Good Online Reading

2010-07-07T17:42:00.003-03:00

I feel like I've come across a lot of good reading material here on the internet lately, so I thought I'd share some of what I've been reading.

Teenagerie. This is a brand new project by Jamie Keiles, the girl who did the Seventeen Magazine Project, which I wrote about here. According to her own description, Teengaerie is "1: a collective set of media representations defining society's understanding of the exotic condition known as adolescence 2: a blog meant to analyze, deconstruct, and promote discussion centered around these representations." I know I (and most of my readers that I know about) aren't exactly teenagers any more, but we're not that far off (only 2 years older than Ms. Keiles), and a lot of her criticism of media is actually applicable outside of teen culture.

Spacing Atlantic. I've mentioned Spacing a couple of times before, but I don't think I've said a whole lot about it in any amount of detail. Spacing Atlantic is "dedicated to engaging readers with the urban environments of Canada’s Atlantic provinces." They post about transportation, public spaces, community development, and community events. I didn't realized how interesting urban development was until I started reading this blog. I recommend it quite highly. Spacing also has sites for Toronto, Ottawa, and Montreal, with Vancouver coming soon, as well as a podcast and a print publication.

Unphotographable. This is a beautiful blog that I discovered quite recently. It was started by Michael David Murphy, a photographer/writer, during a trip to Ethiopia on which he was told that taking photographs was considered not culturally-sensitive, and not a good idea in many communities. So instead he began Unphotographable, where he captured all of the picture picture moments in words instead of images. He has continued the blog ever since, and the entries range from the beautiful to the bizarre. Updates are generally sporadic and brief.

Happle Tea. I can't believe I somehow haven't shared this one yet; I've been reading Happle Tea for ages now. It is my most favourite webcomic ever. Its tagline "a webcomic about mythology and other things" is pretty much the best descriptor. It is often based on mythology, but sometimes mythology-inspired literature such as The Lord of the Rings, and sometimes history, and sometimes it's just about owls. It's usually about the main character Lil K, but sometimes it's not. Regardless, it always makes me laugh, and the author/artist Scott Maynard always includes a fun/interesting bit of accompanying writing which varies from explanation of obscurer myths to social diatribes.

Captain Estar Goes to Heaven. This is an online graphic novel. It is a little bit dark and disturbing. But it's really good. Captain Estar is a contract killer, and she wants to die but is not quite suicidal enough. She gets kidnapped and taken to Heaven, and what happens afterwards is the most interesting part.

That's the cream of the crop on my end. What have you been reading lately?

101 in 1001 Update for the second half of June

2010-07-06T07:44:00.003-03:00

In the latter part of this month I completed three goals, all of which I have already blogged about.

First, I finished #12, Attend a pow wow. This also took out 3 days of #50, Spend 10 days volunteering.

Then I completed #97, Score higher than 160 on the LSAT, and #63, Renew my scholarship for 4th year at pretty much the same time.

Also, I'm making some changes. My four exercise goals that were all "do x 20 times per day for a month, 3 months" have all been changed to "do x 20 times per day for a week, 12 weeks." I'm still doing basically the same amount over all. It's just hard to do a whole month without getting interrupted by something.

I actually have no idea what I may or may not accomplish in July, so this should be, er, exciting.